Something to Think About (1/2)

Writers: Avery
Date Posted: 14th December 2017

Characters: A'kades, Jadirah
Description: Jadirah checks on A'kades and winds up giving him a lot of advice.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 2, day 14 of Turn 9
Notes: Mentioned: Onnyth, Vatirel

part 1 of 2

Jadirah showed up in A'kades' weyr with her usual breezy ease. She threw
open the door and strolled in like she owned the place. "Since I haven't
seen you in three whole days, I figured that I would just show up here,"
the Healer said cheerfully as she flopped onto the couch and sprawled.

"Good afternoon to you, too, Jadirah," the bronzerider said from where
he was sitting at a desk, mending a strap.

"Good afternoon. You know, it's rather a lovely day out and you should
enjoy it now that your drills are over," she said to him. "Instead
you're brooding here inside your weyr."

"I'm not brooding -" he began.

"Brooding inside your weyr, isolated all alone with just Volaith," she
interrupted. "I heard that's what you do on all of your restdays now.
Unlike the fun old A'kades, who would go on outings. Though I'll give
you credit that at least you spent one of the recent restdays with your
children."

He raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't aware you were keeping such close track
on me."

"Of course I am! I hear about when you see them from the children. And I
look out for you because I want to know if you're becoming so wound up
that you're going to wind up in the Infirmary needing to have a stick
removed from your rear. You see, I can intervene _before _ it hits that
stage," she said in her most exaggerated tone.

A'kades snorted. "That is a very vivid description."

"And it made you laugh, at least a tiny bit. Wonderful." Jadirah shifted
her position on the couch. "You want to put that down and come sit with
me while we talk?"

"It depends. Do you want to get me in your reach to tickle me?" he asked
suspiciously.

"No. I want to have a serious talk with you, and I don't want you
accidentally stabbing yourself in the hand with an awl or a needle so I
have to stop lecturing and start treating. Or deliberately stabbing
yourself, to get out of it," she added.

"Have you considered that that is an incredibly ominous way to start a
conversation?" the bronzerider asked, but he set down his work and stood
up to cross the weyr to sit by her anyway.

"I feel better now than I had," he told her when he'd settled down onto
the couch next to her.

"That's it?" the Healer asked, raising an eyebrow. "One cry and it's all
fixed?"

No, that wasn't it at all. But he didn't quite know how to put it into
words, even though he'd been thinking about how to tell her.

Ever since Onnyth's flight and its aftermath, and the way he'd broken
down on the Healer, he had expected to have her confront him about how
he was feeling. He had even spent time considering exactly how he was
feeling now, versus how he'd been the last two months, so he could give
her the best answer. Both because he knew she wouldn't let it rest until
she was satisfied, and because she was one of his best friends, and she
deserved the truth from him.

While trying to deal with the overpowering grief, he had also come to a
few other realizations. It had made him look into what was most
important in his life. He'd used to define himself by a few things:
family, duty, fighting, ambition. When he'd been grounded by
Threadscore, ambition took a wayside in favor of stability, he'd
switched from fighting to teaching, and when he'd fallen for Lenala he'd
added love to it. It was part of maturing and he hadn't thought he'd
missed those.

With everything that he'd lost, he'd had to re-evaluate what he
prioritized. He had no weyrlings to be responsible for, no duties of
leadership but regular fall, and no Lenala to love. He'd lost friends,
he'd lost the place he cared for, most of his constants and touchstones.
It had left him feeling hollowed out inside. And while he'd talked about
ambition – wanting to be a wingsecond or wingleader - ever since he'd
gotten here, it was words said because it was he was supposed to do,
because he always had wanted to do it before. It wasn't meaning anything
like it should have.

He had family with Jadirah and the children, and a found family with
some of his weyrlings. But it hadn't felt like enough to make him
excited about his days anymore. It was just enough to get him out of bed
and keep plodding on.

A'kades hadn't exactly enjoyed all of the introspection. Of finding out
that he didn't really love life anymore, or care about anything he used
to. It had been painful to realize that, and to consider that he also
might have been failing both himself and others. His emotions had been
powerful ones and miserable enough to contemplate that he'd been holding
them back for months. Intentionally releasing the cage around his
feelings and digging into them had required Volaith's support and a
great deal of emotional fortitude to get through.

But he'd done it – had looked at his grief and his helplessness and his
rage and his loss - and tried to come to some kind of way to live with
them so they didn't consume him. It wasn't something that he'd done for
a night and then was cured. He still felt all of those feelings, most
especially the grief. But it didn't feel as crushing as it once had,
especially around Turnover.

And it had been easier to do now than it would have been sevendays ago.
He suspected the emotional crash after Onnyth's flight and the initial
unburdening had had something to do with that. Get part of it out of the
way, and then there'd be room to work on the rest. Without that, he
wouldn't have had the starting point to get as far as he had.

"Kad?" she asked, and he realized he'd drifted off into his head.

"I was woolgathering," he said, giving her an apologetic smile. "What
did you ask?"

"I asked if you thought you were all fixed now," she said.

"No. I'm still grieving, for River Bluff, for Lenala. I know I will be
for some time," he said, looking down at his hands so he didn't have to
meet her gaze. "But it's no longer all bottled up inside me like it had
been. I can think about it now, instead of needing to block it out with
work or else I'll explode."

The Healer reached out and took his hand, rubbing her thumb in gentle
circles over his hand. "That's good," she said. "I know you keep things
inside as a matter of habit, but it was really poisoning you. I'm glad
if letting go with me helped you start the process."

"I'm glad it was you, after the flight. I didn't _want_ it to be anyone
other than Lenala. I'm still not ready for that kind of intimacy, and I
wouldn't have taken it well," he confessed.

"I don't think I would have hurt anyone else I wound up with," he
quickly qualified, in case she was worried, "but I wouldn't have felt
good about myself afterwards."

"I know," she said. "I knew you needed to break down with someone safe,
and I knew that goldflights can lead to a loss of emotional control as
well as physical. Being there for you was a sensible choice."

"You make it sound clinical."

"It was a compassionate decision, but one with clinical thought behind
it," she said. "And it seems to have done you some good. Besides, I had
fun." Her hand drifted up to touch her shoulder, where he'd left a mark
that hadn't faded yet.

"It did," he agreed.

"So, what's next for you? Are you going to be keeping yourself detached
and isolated still, or are you going to return to your hobbies or other
healthy things?" Jadirah asked.

"I was trying to figure that out, actually. I was hoping we could talk
about it," A'kades replied.

"About your hobbies?" Jadirah asked. Playfully, she added, "I hear
there's some very fun things you can make with leather, and as a Tanner
you'd be capable of working on that..."

A'kades couldn't help but crack a small smile at the crude images that
she was bringing up in his mind.

"No, I meant about what I should do with myself in the future."

"That sounds ominous," the Healer said, drawing her feet up under her
and shifting how she was settled on the couch. "What's weighing on your
mind?"

"Ambition and family," he said.

"A weighty set of things."

"Indeed."

He was quiet for a moment, and she gave him the time to put his thoughts
in order, curious as to what he was going to say.

"Do you think I made the wrong decision coming here?" he asked her.

It wasn't where she'd expected the question to go at all, and she
blinked. "What?"

"You remember when we talked about where to go, when it became clear we
had to leave River Bluff?" he asked her.

She nodded. "I remember. You were pretty set on Dragonsfall."

"Right. And then I visited Vatirel last sevenday. I thought he was just
very upset at Turnover, and maybe now that it's been a month, it might
have passed over. Then I talked to him last sevenday, and while he
didn't yell at me, I get the impression he's still unhappy that I came
here. It makes me wonder if I made the right decision," A'kades said.

"Why?"

Last updated on the December 21st 2017

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Something to Think About (1/2)