The First Step

Writers: Heather, Paula
Date Posted: 5th September 2019

Characters: J'lor, Saibra
Description: Saibra finally sees a mindhealer.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 12, day 23 of Turn 9
Notes: Mentioned: Lanniya, Erivana, K'reyel

J'lor

Saibra

Saibra did not know why it was so hard for her to just open the door
to J'lor's office in the healer's quarters, but she stood there for
what felt like an eternity, agonizing over the agreement that she had
made. After R'enh's request, and K'yne's refusal, she had agreed to
see a mindhealer to talk about the problems she was having with her
weight.

Only in Saibra's mind, mindhealers were for weak people that had
problems much greater than hers.

**I can handle it,** she thought with a stubborn lift of her chin.
Yet, just as quickly, she ran her hands over her hips and sighed,
**No, I can't.** Even though she had assigned many of her wingriders
to a mindhealer in her time, she had never thought that she would be
in need of one herself.

What would people say when they found out that the Weyrwoman was
visiting a mindhealer? What would her wingriders think of her?

Beginning to lose her nerve, Saibra had just taken a step backward to
retreat when a firm voice made her freeze.

}:I will tell Mnoranth's, Arinoth's, and Erdenth's if I must.:{
Chioneth warned her.

Saibra imagined R'enh, K'yne, and K'reyel ganging up on her to make
her go to the mindhealer. R'enh and K'yne were bad enough, but she did
not want to get the Weyrleader involved if at all possible.

**You don't fight fair,** she said to her dragon as she took a deep
breath, knocked on the door, and pushed it open.

J'lor smiled at the Weyrwoman as she came through the door. "I was
beginning to think I might have to reheat your tea," his eyes
twinkled. "I don't bite," he added and waved her to the couch. "Why
don't you try it and let me know if I need to warm it up."

Saibra flashed a chagrined smile at the bluerider as she took a seat
and then took a sip of the tea. "It's fine," she said. "I'm sorry,
coming to a mindhealer isn't something I want to do. No offense."

"None taken," he smiled. "It's normal not to want to talk to a
mindhealer at first." He sipped from his own cup. "So, why do you
thing the Wingleader wanted you to talk to me?"

"My weyrmate thinks that I am becoming too thin," she said with
slightly pursed lips, doing her best to disguise that R'enh's
assessment of her weight hurt her feelings. She had been working so
hard to be thin, and now that she was finally achieving it, people
said she had lost "too much" weight. "I think I am finally getting to
the point where I can look at myself in the mirror every now and
then."

"Ah," he said noncommittally. "When did you start feeling you were not
thin enough?"

"Right after the twins were born. I mean, it didn't bother me that
much at first, I knew that weight gain was natural and I had carried
two pregnancies to term before but... I don't know, my body never
seemed to be going back to the one I remembered. I have never
struggled with my weight before, I've always been naturally thin."
Saibra recalled how confident and sexy she used to feel in her own
skin.

J'lor remembered the Weyrwoman from before her twins and this woman
was emaciated compared to the healthy beauty she'd been before. "Do
your pre-pregnancy clothes fit you now or are they too big?"

"I can wear my pre-pregnancy clothes," she said with a stubborn lift
of her chin.

His eyes barely twitched but they softened and he gave her a small
slow nod. "But that's not what I asked."

For a moment she looked more like a sulky child than the Weyrwoman.
"They're a bit loose," she conceded.

"Alright," he said, putting down his hide and pen. He leaned forward
with his forearms on his knees. "Have you tried to think about why you
feel the need to lose _more_ weight than you'd gained with the twins?"

"I don't want to quit losing weight until I like what I see in the
mirror." Saibra picked at her fingernails as she considered his
question. "All of the men in my life have other women," she found
herself saying. "R'enh might be the father of another woman's child,
K'yne asked a woman to move in with him because she's pregnant with
his child.... K'reyel has a weyrmate." Saying the words out loud
frustrated her. "I have never been the jealous type, I'm weyrbred, but
ever since the twins I just feel... more possessive of R'enh, which
is silly."

His head tilted the other direction. He could understand some of her
difficulty yet. "Does you being thinner make those women un-pregnant?"

Saibra wrinkled her nose. "Of course not. I have no issue with R'enh
possibly fathering a child that is not mine. He's a dragonrider and
flights happen," she lifted her hands as if that said it all. "And
K'yne has always wanted a child to raise, he is finally getting to do
that now, I am happy for him. He deserves it."

"Okay," he spread his hands and leaned back. "Forgive me for this next
question. Has R'enh stopped coming to your bed?"

She squirmed in her chair, avoiding his piercing gaze. "Not exactly."

"How, not exactly," he asked.

"He sleeps in it every night," she answered, even though she knew that
wasn't really what the mindhealer had asked.

"You're avoiding the question." He said but didn't press. "Part of
this process is about being brutally honest with yourself and with me
or we cannot make progress. I will never say anything to anyone about
what we've discussed here, not even your Weyrmate or the Weyrleader.
What we discuss is entirely between you and me." He slapped his knees
and stood. "We're done for today Weyrwoman. Why don't you come back
the day after tomorrow. Take the time to think about what we've
discussed today."

What was she supposed to think about? Saibra wondered. Her
relationship with R'enh? Lanniya and Erivana? She wasn't sure what any
of those things had to do with her weight, which was what everyone had
been complaining about, apparently. Even K'yne had resisted her
advances and commented on how skinny she looked. That was still a sore
spot.

"That's it?" she said as she stood as well. She had expected more, but
then she didn't know how mindhealers operated either.

"For now," he said. "You did well today. I'll see you day after tomorrow."

Last updated on the September 23rd 2019

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The First Step