I Can't Do It

Writers: Heather, Miriah
Date Posted: 11th January 2020

Characters: Ninaine, Saibra
Description: Saibra checks in on Ninaine and helps with the twins.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 1, day 20 of Turn 10
Notes: Mentioned: N'call, J'lor

Ninaine

Saibra

She had never imagined it would be like this. She had expected that
the two twin boys would be like Callaine, quiet, good natured, and
easy to care for. But they weren't. They were far from it. If one
wasn't messy, the other was and Faranth forbid they be hungry at the
same time! Desperately trying to be a good mother, she felt like she
was nothing more than milk bovine and a baby butt wiper!

Ninaine sat in the middle of her floor, trying to soothe Nican while
his identical brother lay at her knee, squalling. She hadn't bathed in
two days, she couldn't sleep, and even Luneth had had enough of the
noise in the small weyr, escaping to quieter areas of the Weyr. The
only thing Ninaine had managed to do was cry for two sevendays,
scream at J'lor to "leave her the bloody blazes alone" and slam the
door in his face, and try her best not to erupt st the two babies.
She felt more alone than ever and if she couldn't get Nican to just be
quiet for a quarter of a candlemark, she was going to go insane.
Instead, she burst into tears again, sobbing loud enough that she
didn't hear the knock on her door.

From the other side of the door Saibra could hear the crying, which
sounded like a mix of baby and mother. She let herself into the weyr,
coming upon the scene with a twinge of empathy. There was Ninaine,
like an island, in the midst of baby paraphernalia, with one baby in
her arm, the other in the circle of her lap, and all three were
crying. "Oh dear, what have we here?" The Weyrwoman said as she joined
the trio in the floor. "I hope you don't mind, I let myself in," she
said to Ninaine as she scooped up Ninall.

The sight of the Weyrwoman of all people, coming in a seeing her in
such a state set Ninaine off further. "I'm so sorry!" She spoke
through sobs, unable to stop herself from blubbering, "I'm trying to
be a good mother but I'm not doing anything right! I can't have the
boys and Callaine too because she's jealous, and the boys won't stop
crying, and my breasts are so sore and I'm so tired!" She covered her
face with her hand. "Even Luneth left because I'm a horrible mother
and they WON'T STOP!"

"You are not a horrible mother," Saibra said in a calm, firm tone.
"This is completely normal. I was a basketcase when I realized that I
could not produce enough milk to feed both Saihen and Brenha. I
remember sitting there in the bed crying and so frustrated because
they were both mewling for their breakfast." The Weyrwoman glanced
around. "Let's try a tight swaddle, shall we?" She picked up one of
the baby blankets nearby, spread it on the floor, and then laid Ninall
down. Crossing the panels of the blanket, Saibra wrapped the babe in a
snug swaddle that left the his arms secured comfortably by his sides.

"Okay, take him and hold him near your neck. They like to smell their
mama." Saibra passed Ninaine one twin and took the other to repeat the
swaddling process.

She took the baby from Saibra, holding him like she was directed, but
still giave hiccuping sobbing breaths. "I can't do this. It was hard
enough with Callaine and N'call was there to help me. I can't do two
of them. Why did I think I could do this? I make milk, plenty of it,
but they're never hungry at the same time. And I'm so tired, but I
can't sleep. Everytime I lay down, I just can't sleep." Ninall began
to cry against her and Ninaine pulled him away from her neck. "See? He
doesn't want me at all!"

"He knows his mama is upset. Sometimes," Saibra tucked a swaddled
Nican into her arm and stood, swaying on the balls of her feet. "You
have to try ye old rock and sway technique." She shot Ninaine a little
grin. "All babies cry over three things: food, a soiled diaper, or
being too tired and wanting a nap. If they're fed, burped, and clean
and they're still crying, sometimes you have to let them just cry it
out so they'll nap."

The smile irritated Ninaine even as she watched Saibra with watery
eyes. "Well, you must be a better mother than I am, cause I tried
that already. I've tried everything that worked with Callaine. I'm not
stupid. " Even so, she began to rock back and forth, trying to
soothe Ninall. "I just want it to stop. I want a bath." Her lower lip
began to shake again. She was so tired, that even a whimper from her
son made her skin crawl. It was getting to the point she didn't want
her babies with her at all just so she could get some quiet. She
wanted N'call most of all but he was only there a day or so every
other sevenday. The babies never seemed to bother him either! Feeling
defeated, she slumped. "I should send them to the creche."

"I am certainly not a better mother, I could tell you a million ways
how I've failed my children, but that's not what you need right now.
You need some good sleep and rest. Letting the creche care for your
children is nothing to be ashamed of, that's why we have them. Giving
yourself a break here and there will help you be able to enjoy the
times when you are with them." Saibra studied Ninaine's slumped
shoulders. "Why don't you let me take the twins and you crawl into bed
and get some rest, hm?"

She immediately handed Ninall to Saibra, but didn't get up, staring at
the assembly of baby items around her. "Thank you." She didn't have
the energy to get up, so instead, she just folded a small baby blanket
and laid down on the floor, using the blanket as a pillow.

"I'll send someone with a meal for you," Saibra murmured as she
created a makeshift sling around her chest, tucking both babies in
with a little smile. She already missed when Brenha and Saihen were so
small. **Keep a check on her through Luneth,** the Weyrwoman
instructed Chioneth as she slipped quietly from the weyr.

Ninaine didn't answer, just rolled over with her back facing the door
and closed her eyes tightly. The thought of food didn't make her stir,
but when the door closed, it was more than a candlemark before she
forced herself to rise and trudge to the bed.

Last updated on the January 18th 2020

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I Can't Do It