It Could Have Been Different

Writers: Estelle, Miriah
Date Posted: 28th October 2020
Series: The Assassin's Story

Characters: Lusilk, Varlin
Description: Lusilk visits Varlin's grave and remembers
Location: Barrier Lake Weyr
Date: month 6, day 2 of Turn 10
Notes: Mentioned: Lorican

Lusilk

Two days before the wedding was to take place, Lusilk finally gathered
the will to visit the area that Lorican had stated he'd buried Varlin.
She'd avoided it initially; he was dead. What good would it do to see
where he'd been buried? She dragged her feet as she approached and
looked at the patch of turned ground. The sight made her stomach
clench. She'd taken lives before and had thought little of it; it was
just jobs. But this, knowing she had taken _his_ made her stumble
forward, kneeling in beside the bare ground that held his body.

A soft sob suddenly emerged, followed by another as she bent forward,
shoulders shaking as tears flowed. A moan of grief and loss surged
out. "Why? Why did you make me do that? I didn't want to hurt you. Not
really. I was angry at you, but I never hated you. I...I loved you so
much, you stupid, stupid man!" She pounded the ground.

She'd seen that momentarily look of joy on his face, clouded by the
dirt he'd flung in her face just before her deadly strike. There had
been a hesitation. Her words had had an impact. Had there been love
there, within him, for her? "Why couldn't you just tell me? Just
once?" She heaved another sob and laid down, stretching her arm over
the bare earth. "Why did you push me away? Why did I push you away? It
could have been so different...."

~~**Flashback**~~

Lusilk emerged from the woods into the small clearing near the
cothold. She was physically healed and once again slender and was
dressed in clothes provided by their mutual benefactor, plain, but
neat and clean. The past two months after giving birth, she'd been
left alone with a Healer and a mute drudge that had been brought by
Bryvin. In exchange, she'd done minor tasks, proving herself to the
Steward. Varlin had been sent away for the larger tasks, staying away
for the entirety of the end of her pregnancy and the time afterward.

She'd not seen him, only short messages giving brief updates proving
that at least he was alive. It only served to prove what she had
assumed. He _had_ only rescued her for his reputation. He felt nothing
for her. It angered her. It hurt her. But, in order to do what she
needed to do, she needed him and his contacts. She couldn't work just
for Bryvin forever. So she waited where Varlin had indicated.

He approached on silent feet, out of habit, and watched for a moment
from the trees. He'd been half-hoping she'd be hiding out of sight,
waiting to leap for his back with her blade at the ready in a playful
ambush. But of course, she hadn't. The thought that she might never
again was a dull, heavy weight inside him.

Instead, he whistled, a low note that had been one of their signals, and
walked out into the clearing, halting a few paces from her. "Lusilk.
You're looking much better." He felt relieved, at least, that her
swollen belly was gone. He'd feared for her, those nights when he'd been
camped out under the stars, wondering how well that healer knew his
craft, whether she'd managed to build up enough strength for the
birth... "It all went well?"

She knew exactly what he was talking about. Of course he'd wonder if
there were lasting issues that could affect how she'd perform; it made
sense. "I'm fine." Her words were short. "I've been doing some minor
work for the Steward in exchange for my debt. We've agreed that I'll
work for him as needed but he'll send word if he needs me for anything
major, so you owe him nothing more. What you've completed is all he'll
require of you. You're free of it."

Varlin's face remained impassive, but for a slight tightening in his
jaw, but it felt like those moments in their sparring when she'd slipped
through his defences and kicked him in the gut. **She wants to be rid of
you.** Perhaps it wasn't all that surprising, when he'd seen her naked
and beaten, at her most vulnerable.

"Until we're both free, neither of us is," he said, his voice rougher
than he'd intended. He didn't want her under the control of the Steward.
Despite all he'd done for them, he didn't trust the man not to sacrifice
her for his advantage. "I'll speak to him, though, so I can do some jobs
of my own, out of this Hold. It isn't good to work in one place for too
long, and...my name is known, now. It shouldn't be hard to find a hire."

"The deal's been made." Lusilk stood firm. "You told me yourself not
to ever interfere with another's agreements. It's bad for your
reputation." She put special emphasis on the last word, then waved a
hand, negating it. She was tired, hurting, and quite frankly, just
wanted to try to go back to as normal as she was able. Certain
factors, of course, had to change. She had another mouth now to think
about. "You've made a name for yourself in the right circles. You
should be just fine. I've got to start over." She looked at him,
studying his face, taking in the scar she'd given him. "You know my
skills better than anyone. So, if you get a job you don't have time
for, you can just send it my way. You can take your cut and I'll take
the rest."

"All right." There was a slight fall in his shoulders, a shift so small
as to hardly be noticeable. At least, he thought, her request meant they
wouldn't lose contact altogether. "You're the best I know, in - our
trade. I can find work for you. If that's what you want."

If she still had tears left, she'd weep. What she wouldn't give just
for one inkling that she meant something to him beyond aiding in their
trade. Something. Anything. Even a touch. Faranth, she was stupid.
He'd never do that. He never grew close to anyone and she was tainted
by the Lord Holder to the point that she was no longer desirable. Her
spine hardened. **I don't need his touch or any man's. But I do need
the contacts he can give me. We can use each other now. Partners in
trade. Nothing more.** She would have to forget the other and feel
nothing.

Lusilk stepped forward and offered her hand. "We'll be partners, then.
I have contacts, I'll share them. You agree to do the same. The first
three jobs you give me, you keep all of the cut. For my debt to you."

He wanted to refuse, but bit back his words. There was no sense in
trying to talk Lusilk out of a decision. She was far more stubborn than
he was. "I don't divide up the spoils until the job is done. Nor should
you." It was something he'd told her before, light-heartedly. It would
put off this argument, for now. He took her hand. "Done, then."

She gripped his wrist quickly, giving it shake. "Fine. Deal." She
released him just as quickly and took a breath. "We can arrange for
somewhere to meet every month then. To discuss jobs and contacts." She
tugged her light jacket around her tightly. She was tired and she
wanted this over with. Plus her breasts ached and she was needing to
do the necessary to relieve it. "I guess Bryvin arranged a place for
you to rest. I
don't know where it is. I'll meet you here tomorrow to speak about
where we'll meet and such. Get some rest, Varlin." She turned and
began to walk away, back stiff and straight.

Varlin was struck dumb for a moment. He'd thought that he would spend
the night at the cothold. Even if she no longer wanted him in her bed,
which he understood, he could have slept on a mat on the floor, as he
had when they'd first come there. They could have shared a meal. He
could have told her about his job, and they could have talked about old
times, and perhaps he could have found his way back to their old
closeness, somehow, if only for a moment...

"Wait," he called after her.

She stopped and held still for a moment before slowly turning to face
him. Though her face appeared calm and steady, her shoulders were
slumped with overall weariness. "I'm tired, Varlin. I didn't get much
sleep last night. What is it?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came, only the treacherous
sting of guilt. That he'd brought her here, that he'd taken so long to
bring her out of the Hold. That he'd ever left her at all. The request
he'd thought to make died on his lips. "It doesn't matter. You're right,
you need rest." He met her gaze, saw only exhaustion, and wondered how
bad it had been, at the birth. One more ordeal he'd left her to overcome
alone. "I'll see you tomorrow."

She nodded. "Tomorrow." She slipped into the woods silently,
disappearing into the shadows. If there were silent tears on her
cheeks, there was no one to see them.

Varlin watched until her slight figure was no longer visible amidst the
gloom of the wood before turning to retrace his steps, in search of a
place to camp. He'd half hoped... They weren't too far from the sea
here. His payment from the last job might have covered passage to the
North, leaving Rorrigraf and the Steward and their debts behind for a
new life.

Now he wondered how he could have been such a fool as to think she could
ever forget.

~~*End Flashback*~~

After spending her tears, Lusilk finally rose to her knees and looked
down at the freshly turned soil. "I know I'm not supposed to
apologize, but I wish I could. Silgan should have been yours, Varlin."
She stroked her fingers over the soil. "But he'll be Lorican's now,
for as long as it's possible." She sighed. "I'm marrying him. Not
because I love him and he doesn't love me. But he cares for Silgan and
he can protect him if Bryvin can't. It's necessary. And he's a good
man...an honorable one." Her lips quirked. "The kind we used to laugh
at when they acted stupid. And he can be sometimes. So stupidly
honorable. But maybe...right now, it's what Silgan needs. I don't want
him growing up like us. I want him to be a good man. I don't think we
could have done that for a child. We're so messed up."

She stared at the grave for a moment longer. "I think...I think maybe
you'd have understood that. I don't know. I wish things could have
been different, but it's too late now. Varlin, I promise you, that
I'll take care of Rorrigraf. He'll pay for everything. I'll make it
right. Somehow." Lusilk slowly rose, but kept her eyes on the soil.
"I'm not coming back to visit you. You're dead. You can't hear me, not
really. But I'll always remember you. My heart will always remember
you. I wish it could have been different." With that, Lusilk wiped her
eyes; she walked away and didn't look back.

Last updated on the November 11th 2020

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It Could Have Been Different