Save Me From Myself (Don't Let Me Drown)

Writers: Halyonix
Date Posted: 14th May 2024

Characters: Vaile
Description: A moment of flashback and grief
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 13, day 10 of Turn 11
Notes: Musical accompaniment -- Drown by Bring Me The Horizon

Two Turns did not seem that long of a time. At least, Vaile didn’t think it had been. That first Turn, she had spent in a dark haze, so it was only until fairly recently that she felt she was actually aware of time again. And yet, it had already been two Turns.

She saw the passage of time most in Moraile. He was growing so fast now, toddling around at surprisingly high speeds, his hands getting into everything that they shouldn’t. Saying words. Asking questions. Becoming less of an inconsolable infant and more of a coherent child.

M’vel was not here to see any of it.

That, Vaile decided, was the next loss for her to heal from.

When M’vel had died, the largest pains had been physical. Waking up to an empty bed. No Ioranth curled around Liranth. No laughter, no voice, no touch. Then it became the awareness that there was no future together. No next rest day at the beach. No planned dreams come to fruition. The familiar that had become entwined with her days was suddenly no longer there. It was a sudden, staggering halt to nearly every aspect of her life, even as life grew within her.

And time, though she screamed for it to stop, continued on, nurturing that unborn child while forcing her to bury her dreams.

}: You’re doing it again, :{ Liranth interrupted softly.

To that, Vaile sighed. She had been watching Moraile teeter about and had gotten lost in thought yet again. She had to stop doing this. The past was the past -- she could not change it, she could not stop time, she couldn’t do anything about what had happened and at this point, it was starting to wear on her that she couldn’t seem to move on.

She got up, called Moraile to her with the promise of a treat, and they headed towards the Dining Hall to see what could be found.

Just as they reached the entrance, someone was leaving.

And Vaile’s world came to a sudden, jarring stop.

No. It…it couldn’t be him.

That smile. That gait. That hair.

No.

Her heart couldn’t beat. Wouldn’t beat. She couldn’t breathe. It was two Turns past. It was two Turns ago. She was stuck, she had to move. This wasn’t happening, this wasn’t possible. He was dead, he was dead, he was dead, he was de--

“Lady?” he asked, concerned.

Not M’vel’s voice. Not his voice at all. The man looked like M’vel but wasn’t. Hearing a different voice coming from a familiar face snapped Vaile back into the present, into reality. The stranger -- he had bluerider knots, not bronzerider ones -- was offering a hand towards her. She must have looked so faint but she didn’t take that hand. She clung to Moraile’s chubby one instead. And now, now that she was regaining her bearings, she could see that this man had different color eyes than M’vel had.

But at first glance…

Liranth landed hard behind her, rustling her wings and rumbling ominously. As if the dragon could protect her from her own grief or terrible tricks of the light. “I’m fine,” Vaile said. To the man, to her dragon, to herself. She straightened her spine. “I’m fine, thank you.” She wasn’t fine, she didn’t feel remotely _close_ to being fine, but she wasn’t going to involve herself in a conversation with a stranger about why she had reacted so. “Up we go,” she said to Moraile, ignoring his protests about being promised a treat as she practically tossed him aboard her dragon.

Liranth needed no prompt to take off towards the safety of their weyr. Moraile fussed for a few minutes longer until Vaile had distracted him enough to leave him alone. She paced near the ledge, near the sheltering bulk of Liranth as she gathered herself further.

“I can’t keep living like this,” she muttered. “I can’t. It’s…it’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to the children. It’s not fair to me. And yet…why can’t I move on, Liranth? Why?”

}: Healing is not linear nor is it on a timeline. :{

It was a phrase Vaile had told many a dragonrider worrying over their injured dragon. It was so very easy to say to them but to hear Liranth say it now…

“I _know_ that,” Vaile growled testily.

}: Your head does. Your heart doesn’t. What happened to M’vel will always be sad. There is nothing that will ever change that. Stop thinking that moving on means changing that. :{

_That_ stopped Vaile’s pacing. “Is that…what I keep trying to do? Holding on to his death because I think that living erases him?”

Liranth was wisely silent for a long stretch of heartbeats. Then, she said, }: You will never erase him from your heart. You don’t need to. But you don’t need to keep holding on to what happened like you are. The children need you. _You_ need you. Not the shadow of you. :{

The shadow. The past.

Vaile pressed herself against Liranth’s warm hide, drawing strength. **What happened with that stranger today--** she started to say.

}: May always happen. There may always be moments where the past blindsides you. There is nothing we can do about that either. But it doesn’t have to keep you down. _Live_, Vaile. M’vel would have wanted that. :{

**Why are you always so sharding right?** Vaile asked rhetorically as tears filled her eyes. Liranth did not answer. She let her rider cry it out quietly, shifting a wing to hide her from view, holding that space until Vaile was ready to face the world again.

Last updated on the May 16th 2024

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Save Me From Myself (Don't Let Me Drown)