To Unsay What Has Been Said

Writers: Devin, Halyonix
Date Posted: 15th May 2025

Characters: K'mai, I'serin, A'len
Description: I'serin has another argument with his father and K'mai walks in at the worst time.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 6, day 16 of Turn 12

K'mai

I'serin

Notes:

~*~

"We have to talk," A'len said without preamble and certainly without
knocking as he walked into I'serin's office. The young Weyrleader's
face immediately became a steely scowl. "Don't give me that look. This
is a far bigger problem than your feelings about etiquette," A'len
said sharply.

"And what problem would that be?" I'serin asked with frigid
politeness. If his father would not learn to respect him, I'serin was
beginning to wonder why he should extend the same respect back.

"The Holdless," A'len answered, folding his arms over his chest.
"They're still _here_."

"Some of them, yes. Some have moved on."

"Those _some_ are still _here_."

I'serin rose from his seat to brace his hands on his desk. "This is
why you are interrupting my time? Do you think that I am unaware to
the situation? That I choose to ignore it?"

A'len's expression turned sneering. "It's hard to know where your
attention is nowadays, boy."

Cold anger settled in I'serin's stomach. That look from A'len could
mean a great number of things but the words... "Are you insinuating
that my attention is _not_ on the concerns of the Weyr?" he asked in a
low voice.

K'mai hummed to himself as he headed to the Weyrleader's office, but
just as he reached for the handle, he heard voices inside and stopped.

"Don't think I haven't noticed how much time you've been spending with
that bluerider," A'len said as though it was a threat. While it wasn't
(because how could his father possibly know the truth?), I'serin still
struggled to maintain his mask as a bolt of panic sliced through the
anger.

"I have known K'mai since we were children," he heard himself say from
far away as the blood roared in his ears. Too close. A'len was too
perceptive. Turns of hiding his thoughts, his desires, himself kicked
in, wrapping tight chains around his chest. He inhaled deeply, trying
not to give in to a knee-jerk reaction. That was what A'len wanted.

In the hall, K'mai held his breath. Maybe he should leave? Walking in
now would just prove A'len's point.

"He's a bad influence on you," A'len snapped. I'serin tried not to
flinch at the malice in that tone, telling himself that he was no
longer a child facing the wrath of a parent. Turns of facing that
wrath was hard to unravel in the moment. It was hard to control his
emotions when A'len was around. He felt weak, afraid. Like someone was
about to discover every fault, every failing. Why did no one but his
father have that sort of sway on him? "Always has been. Distracting
you from your duties. And you -- you're too daft to see it! You
Impressed a bronze for a reason, boy!"

K'mai's chest swelled. I'serin _had_ Impressed bronze for a reason and
he was the _Weyrleader_ and his father was _still_ bullying him. K'mai
turned the handle.

Neither bronzerider heard the door opening. Perhaps, if they had,
I'serin would have been able to avert what happened next. Instead, in
an effort to escape his father's anger, an exhausted, panicked I'serin
said the most damning words he could have said:

"He means nothing to me."

K'mai stepped in at just that moment, the words turning him cold. He
knew, he _knew_ I'serin was just saying that to throw his father off
the trail. Right? But the first person he'd ever fallen in love with
saying he meant _nothing_ hurt like a physical blow. He stood frozen
in the doorway feeling small and shaky.

I'serin opened his mouth to say something else and that was when he
saw K'mai standing in the door. At first he thought it was an
apparition, a trick of his tired eyes. But it was not. And, judging by
the look on the bluerider's face, he had heard those terrible words
and more.

A sense of dread sickness consumed I'serin. "K'mai," he said weakly.

A'len turned. Sneered. "Why are you here, bluerider?"

"I . . ." K'mai struggled to think. The anger was still there, but it
was buried deep under the shock and pain. " . . . wanted to see him,"
he finished in a subdued voice.

}:What is wrong?:{ Sebeth was filled with concern. }:Mine? What happened?:{

**He didn't mean it,** K'mai thought desperately.

"He's busy," A'len answered. "Being Weyrleader. Surely you can see that."

I'serin, still struggling to formulate _some_ sort of response, felt a
dart of anger pierce him. Why was his father answering for him? Why
did A'len always feel the need to belittle I'serin? Why did I'serin
always submit to being bullied by his father?

"K'mai," he repeated softly, as though saying the bluerider's name
would explain _everything_ going through his head in that moment. As
if saying his name would somehow undo what he had just said. It would
not. Nothing would. I'serin _knew_ that. And yet...

Of course I'serin couldn't say anything honest in front of his father,
not even an apology because that might make A'len suspect something.
I'serin couldn't, _wouldn't_ take any risk that might lead to people
finding out he liked men. To K'mai, I'serin was worth hiding for,
lying for. But to I'serin, K'mai wasn't worth telling the truth for.
K'mai swallowed. "I should . . . go."

"Obviously," A'len answered with a dismissive gesture.

Yet I'serin did not want that. He did not want K'mai to go. He knew,
he _knew_ how this moment would end. He felt it in his bones but he
could not move. Like the nightmares he had of River Bluff. He was
chained, closed in. "K'mai," he said weakly, as if saying the
bluerider's name would stop what was about to happen.

And then K'mai _had_ to go because he was going to cry and he wasn't
going to do that in front of A'len. He turned and forced his legs to
move, one step, then another until he was stumbling down the hall.

}:I love you, I love you,:{ Sebeth's mind wrapped around his rider as
he left the Heights and flew to their weyr. }:I'm here.:{

Meanwhile, his departure had finally spurred I'serin into _moving_ but
it was already too late. "What's wrong with you, boy?" A'len asked
sharply, practically interposing himself between. "Let that fool go.
You're better off without his distractions." But that was not true.
I'serin knew it. A lifetime of careful decisions, careful words, and
he had torn it apart in an instant.

"It was still the wrong thing to do," I'serin said softly. He did not
hear A'len's response.

Last updated on the May 19th 2025

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To Unsay What Has Been Said