To Remain True to Oneself
Dragonsfall Weyr
Amber Hills Hold
Vintner Hall
Healer Hall
Hidden Meadows
Dolphin Cove Weyr
Dolphin Hall
Emerald Falls Hold
Harper Hall
Printer Hall
Green Valley Hold
Leeward Lagoon Hold
Barrier Lake Weyr
Sunstone Seahold
Citrus Bay Hold
Writers: Halyonix
Date Posted: 15th May 2025
Characters: I'serin
Description: I'serin reflects on what he did wrong
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 6, day 16 of Turn 12
Notes: Mentioned K'mai, E'tariax
I’serin did not want to sleep that night.
He knew that the nightmare would be waiting. He could feel it tugging at the edges of his mind. He thought that perhaps, if he got drunk enough, he could avoid its full effect. But he did not think alcohol would dull the dread weight in his chest. Plus, there was Threadfall tomorrow. He would need all of his mental faculties in order to lead the Weyr into battle.
He had tried to speak with K’mai about what had happened. For one reason or another, sometimes because of something external, sometimes because of his own fears, that had not happened. A Wingleader had needed to speak about some last minute changes to the roster. Someone wanted to bring up the situation of the Holdless again. I’serin himself had changed his course to find K’mai, only to recall that awful look on the bluerider’s face and have his resolve crumble.
It had been the wrong thing to say.
It had been the untrue thing to say.
I’serin had spent his adult life adhering to a goal of being careful and thoughtful with his words. To speak precisely as he meant. The only exception to this had been when it came to his sexuality but even then, up until recently, he had found eloquently evasive ways of escaping that topic. However, when it came to his words to or about someone else…
It did not matter. He had failed in his goal and it had cost him. Dearly. Quite possibly the only lover he would ever have.
No, it was not about having a lover. It was about having K’mai.
**I should have never done it,** I’serin thought. He instantly realized the doubled edge to that statement. Done what? Admitted his sexuality to K’mai? Rejected K’mai so easily? Did doing one lead to the other in some indirect path? Would he have been happy keeping his own secret for the rest of his life? Was he happy now that someone knew?
No, he was not happier now that someone knew, not because K’mai knew, but because now he had to work additionally to keep his secret. Could he have gone the entirety of his life without saying a word? Possibly. Or, at least, he told himself, until his parents were dead. Then, perhaps, he would have allowed himself the freedom to explore. To be happy. He had never expected to become Weyrleader, which now threw another layer of privacy to chase. But did it matter? The Holders already considered the Weyr a den of deviancy. Would any of his riders honestly care that he was gay? The answer was no but I'serin knew exactly whose opinion on the matter he (erroneously) valued and that was why he hid.
Gay. Shells and shards, he hated how phonetically short that word was, how it failed to accurately encompass everything that came with that label. And his usual way of describing his sexual preference -- “I prefer men” -- just sounded like he was politely evading the whole subject, per usual. But that word forced him to face himself in a mirror of truth that he had been avoiding for all of his life.
Why was it that words -- his beloved words -- deprived him of his comforts when he needed them the most?
Tugging at his hair absently, I’serin felt like so many aspects of his life were nearing a collision. Or already had. What had worked for him before was no longer working. He needed to make a decision, not remain in this paralysis. He needed to speak with K’mai. He needed to atone. He needed to speak with E’tariax. He needed to figure out how to forge a path rather than have it forged for him.
After Threadfall. He promised himself that he would take the first steps then.
Last updated on the May 19th 2025