Safe Enough to Try

Writers: Devin, Bree
Date Posted: 2nd October 2006
Series: Saving Each Other

Characters: Talryne, N'vanik
Description: After Talrian leaves, Talryne asks N'vanik what he talked about with her father, and is somewhat alarmed by his answer.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 13, day 22 of Turn 4

Talryne

N'vanik

Talryne waited until her father was safely gone and she was curled up on the couch again before she broached the subject that had been tormenting her during the entire visit. "What did my father say to you before I woke up?"

"He was asking . . ." N'vanik paused, wondering if he should tell her something nice, or the truth. "He wanted to know if I was keeping you here for sex."

For a moment, Talryne just looked at him as if waiting for the smirk or laugh that would indicate that it had been a joke. When it didn't come, her eyes widened and she sat back up. "He asked _what_?"

"He said the only reasons he could figure I'd keep you here was guilt or sex," N'vanik said, feeling his jaw tighten.

"Oh." Talryne shifted uncomfortably on the couch. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" he asked. "You gotta stop apologizing for everything."

"I'm--" She bit her lip to keep the words from coming out. "I'm sure my father didn't mean it. He isn't used to weyrlife."

N'vanik shrugged. "Well, he seems okay with it now."

"Oh. Well, that's good, I guess." Silence stretched out between them as Talryne played with the edge of her quilt and worked up her courage. Finally she spoke, her eyes fixed on her hands and her voice almost too soft to be heard. "I know it's guilt."

The words hurt. N'vanik glanced over at her and then looked down at the floor. "Most of it, yeah," he said quietly.

She didn't look at him, knowing she wouldn't be able to continue if she did.
"I know I should tell you not to feel guilty, but I'm selfish. And I'm scared."

"What are you scared of?" he asked.

Talryne finally looked up at him. "Of what happens when you don't feel guilty anymore."

N'vanik met her eyes. "You think I might kick you out."

"I don't know why you haven't already," she admitted quietly. "Because I'm not going to. Because I think . . ." he hesitated. "I think I want to help you."

She wanted to look away, but she had one more question. "Why?"

"I don't know," he started to say, his usual answer when he was unsure. Then he found a more honest answer, "Because I think you should have a life."

Talryne closed her eyes, struggling against tears. "I want to have one, too," she managed, her voice breaking a little. "But I don't want to ruin yours."

"If someone's going to ruin my life, it'll be me," N'vanik said as he put his arm around her shoulders. "Can I ask you something, Tal?"

Wiping tears from her cheeks, Talryne nodded. "Of course."

The question had been bothering him since the day she showed up at his weyr, and he needed to know. "Why did you come to me?"

Her cheeks flushed as she looked back down at her hands, knowing he deserved the same sort of honesty that he'd given her. "I wanted--I _needed_ someone. To make me forget. It's what I always do when I'm hurt... I find men. And it never really works, but I just keep doing it..." She shrugged one shoulder. "But you didn't do that. You just let me stay, and let me sleep... and it helped. More than the sex ever did. So I just... kept staying."

N'vanik was quiet for a moment, letting her words sink in. Then the hint of a smile curved his lips. "A beautiful woman like you comes to me for sex and I don't deliver." He gave a short laugh before turning more serious. "I do the same thing, you know. Use sex to forget. Or at least, I try to forget."

"That's why I transfered here," she admitted after a moment. "I had a... reputation. My mother died a few months after I Impressed, and I was upset and hurt and I did a lot of stupid things. And none of them made it any better, so I just got more and more out of control..." "I've done plenty of stupid things myself. I got sent here because of one of those stupid things." N'vanik sighed. "I should warn you, Tal, I'm not a very good person."

"You're good to me." Talryne squirmed into a more comfortable position, resting her head on N'vanik's shoulder. "And I wasn't a very nice person either, you know. You don't know how hard I've been trying here."

N'vanik smiled at her compliment. It was so different to spend this much time with someone and not fling insults or have shouting matches. "I have an idea how hard you're trying now. I don't know how you're doing it." He tightened his arm around her. "You're very strong, Tal."

Talryne slid her hand into his and relaxed against him, enjoying the feeling of being held. "I don't feel strong. I feel tired and lonely and empty..." Her voice trailed off and she closed her eyes. "But I feel safe. Safe enough to try, at least."

"That's a good start." He bent and kissed the top of her head, gently.

Last updated on the October 3rd 2006

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