I Miss Him

Writers: AL
Date Posted: 3rd March 2008

Characters: Kitali
Description: Kitali struggles with a song and reflects over her worries.
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 8, day 18 of Turn 4

"Shaffit." Kitali crumbled up the mansuscript and tossed it aside. She leaned onto the table at which she had been working and covered her face with her hands.

In her turns as a harper, she was a rather prolific composer. She had composed many songs for her classes with the younger children as well as music for older students to sing. She had even performed some of her own music for the entertainment of others. Kitali had never had a problem with prose or with the music itself. Often, the notes would simply fall into place and the words would write themselves.

All that seemed to change when she began to try and write a song for M'van. In many ways, she found music helped her to express herself better than simple words. Unfortunately, the words she had written seemed clumsy and the music trite. Her heart felt more and burned more in regards to the subject than with any other she had done before.
Unfortunately, even music seemed an inadequate way to express not only her regret, but also what she felt. It frustrating to the point of madness.

"Mommy?" Kitali looked up, eyes taking a moment to focus upon her eldest son. The glow she had been using was getting dim and her child seemed little more than a shadow in its wan light.

"Lidrin, honey, why aren't you asleep?"

A shrug was all she got before he padded over to her. In his hand, he clutched a stuffed blue dragon. Someone had made it and was selling it and Lidrin had fallen in love with the toy at first sight. He had, of course, named it Little Kiloth. The boy crawled into his mother's lap and leaned hsi head against her shoulder. Kitali stroked his cheek and placed a kiss upon his forehead. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"No." Lidrin squeezed his dragon to his chest. "I miss Daddy."

Kitali swallowed hard. M'van may not have been his birth father, but he was the only father Lidrin had ever known. This had been particularly hard for him as he had more of an idea of what had been happening. "I know sweetie, I do too."

"When are we going to be together again?" Lidrin tilted his head back to gaze into the shadows of his mother's eyes.

"I don't know." Maybe never. Kitali had thought long and hard about things. She had really needed the time away to get things into perspective, to emotionally work through the issues she had with the situation at hand. M'van hadn't understood that at all. Her moving away had shown her, however, where she truly belonged. Unfortunately, it had also made the situation with M'van even worse. She had hoped things would get better, but even after more than a sevenday, he was still distant and cold to her.

His many nights working toward his mastery, leaving her and the children alone were preferable to that. At least then he had wanted her. Now, it seemed, as if he didn't. Kitali was afraid that the damage was irreparable.

"You should go back to bed, darling." Kitali gave Lidrin another kiss and eased him off of her lap. "Maybe we can visit M'van Kiloth tomorrow."

A soft sigh escaped from Lidrin and he rubbed his eyes with his free hand. "Kay."

Kitali escorted her son back to his bed. Talvan hadn't even stirred.
He was asleep on his stomach, his bottom sticking up in the air, mouth open and slack, his coverlet half off of the bed. She tucked Lidrin into his bed, then went to pull Talvan's coverlet back over them. With a kiss for both of them, she went back to her bed. She didn't bother covering the glow. It had gone completely dim, so she merely slipped under her sheet. She tossed and turned, her mind refusing to quiet.
Eventually, however, fatigue overtook her and she fell into a dreamless slumber.

Last updated on the March 3rd 2008

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I Miss Him