Speechless

Writers: AL, Eimi
Date Posted: 3rd March 2008

Characters: Kitali, R'sedel
Description: Kitali tells R'sedel about her difficulties.
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 8, day 19 of Turn 4

The food smelled delicious. The only problem was, Kitali was finding herself with a distinct lack of appetite. She pushed her bowl of soup away and picked half-heartedly at a tuber. Food just did not appeal to her at all.

"What's this?" a male voice asked reproachingly. "Kitali not eating her vegetables? What would the healers say?"

"They would probably extol the virtues of eating a nutritious meal."
Kitali pushed the rest of her food and settled a small smile upon the greenrider who had approached her. "Hey R'sedel. How are you?"

"Oh, good. Had to break another poor bluerider's heart this morning,"
he said with a dramatic sigh, setting his tray down next to her. "It's a inconvenience being as beautiful as I am some days."

"Yes, I'm sure it is." Kitali motioned to her plate and small bowl of soup. "Would you care for this? I'm not going to eat it."

"Who me?" he asked innocently as he pulled the bowl closer and picked up his spoon. "You're going to ruin my figure, you know."

"You don't have to eat it if you don't want to." Kitali pulled over a manuscript that she had set to the side earlier and stared at the empty staff lines. "Shaffit." She pushed it back again and shook her head at herself.

"And just what did that scrap of hide do to you?" he asked with a gentle jibe, and silent invitation to talk if she liked.

"Nothing." Kitali leaned over and stared at her friend. "I was trying to write something...for M'van. The words aren't coming."

"I take it you were not planning to write a list of odd-jobs you wish him to take care of?" he asked, dipping his bread into the bowl of soup.

Kitali shook her head. "No. You know when I left...well, we didn't part on very good terms. I had some thinking that I had to do and decided it would be best to do it back North." She drummed her fingers on the table. "Well...I realised that I had been an idiot but..." She sighed and rubbed her eyes. "M'van, while inclined to agree with me in regards to my stupidity, doesn't seem so ready to forgive."

"Well, if he had been the one who left, would it have been that easy for you to forgive him?" he pointed out. Forgiveness only sounded simple when you were not the one asked to do it.

Another small smile tugged at the corner of Kitali's lips. "Probably not. I never said I was surprised at his reaction. I guess I was hoping for something better, though I knew it was unlikely." A sigh escaped. "To be honest, it wasn't all my fault, though I was the one who made the decision to leave. I can live without him admitting any fault. I just wish he were a bit more open to accepting my apology, though, again, I honestly shouldn't expect much."

"Of course it wasn't all your fault," R'sedel quickly agreed, patting her leg. "And he will come around. Just give him time. He loves you.
He's just afraid." A natural reaction when your heart was broken. It hurt to hope sometimes.

"Does he? Or did his love for me die when I made the choice to leave?"
Kitali shook her head, then covered R'sedel's hand with hers. "Thanks for the encouragement though. My mother said something similar, but...well, I almost think she's hoping we don't work things out.
She's not too fond of weyrlife, to tell you the truth."

"I rather prefer Weyrlife," R'sedel winked. "Though Holdmen certainly have their charms..." That untouchable, bad-idea type of attraction...

"I love it here." Kitali admitted, "I really do. It's just...there are some things that take getting used to, that's all. I guess it was harder to get used to them than I thought."

"Such as?"

"The flights."

"Ah. Yes. Well, not much you can do about that I'm afraid." Or M'van. None of them had a choice when their lifemate rose.

"No. And I know that." Kitali sighed and pulled her hide back in front of her. "I know that, but it's still hard. I was hold bred.
Some things were taught into me. I think I'm better able to handle it now, but I may not get the chance. That wasn't the only thing, though it was one of the issues. I just don't know if he'll ever be willing to give me another chance."

"He'd be a fool not to, sweetheart," he assured her gently. "And you and I both know M'van is no fool."

"No, he's no fool. However anger can cloud the mind and the heart."
Kitali picked at her manuscript, the lines revealing nothing to her.
"I'm trying to write a song for him. I have so much to say, but it's all in feelings. The words aren't coming. I don't thing there are words that could really express what I want to say and how I feel."

"Oh I don't know," he said with an understanding smile. "I think that sentiment says it all."

"Perhaps." Kitali turned over the manuscript, the other side empty of the lines. Then she turned it back. "But I guess I'm used to being able to express myself more eloquently than that."

"Then it's about time you join the ranks of the rest of us speechless idiots," R'sedel smiled, giving her a gentle nudge. "I always figured grand emotions could never be fully expressed just by words. There are certain situations when mere words fall short. That's true for love, and especially true for the loss of it."

"And I may have lost it forever." Kitali felt the telltale tightening of her throat and fought back. She was not going to shed tears, not in public. She cleared her throat and shook her head. "Anyway, I should probably go. I have a class soon." Some things had returned to normal, and that was one of them. It helped. It didn't make her truly forget, but such things distracted her for a while. "We can get together later if you like."

"I'd like that. You know, I might even have a bottle of wine in my weyr if you care to share..."

"I'm not one to drink to forget, but sharing some wine with a friend would be nice." Kitali gathered her things and smiled to R'sedel.
"Thanks."

Last updated on the March 3rd 2008

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Speechless