Worth The Effort

Writers: Devin, Eimi
Date Posted: 17th September 2008
Series: Proving His Worth

Characters: N'vanik, U'kaiah
Description: N'vanik confronts U'kaiah about Trae's upcoming Flight
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 11, day 21 of Turn 4
Notes: Follows "Have To Take The Chance"

N'vanik

He clenched his fists and tried to calm down. This was sure to be a
bad idea, but he couldn't let this slide. Not after he'd seen that
look on her face. N'vanik lifted his hand and knocked on the door, not
quite pounding.

"Come in," U'kaiah said, not taking his eyes off the report in his
hands, and not really in the mood to be interrupted.

He meant to say something at least slightly diplomatic. What came out
was, "You're a sharding idiot."

"So you seem to like to tell me, N'vanik," the wingleader sighed, more
resigned to the fact that it was just N'vanik's way than being angry as
he once might have been.

N'vanik closed the door behind him. "Do you have any idea how much you
hurt her?"

"By her I assume you mean Trae." Now this was a topic U'kaiah certainly
didn't want to be discussing with anyone. But he knew N'vanik would not
let it go so he set the hide aside. "I told her the truth. The rest is
none of your business."

"I'm making it my business. How could you do that to her?" N'vanik
knew he really shouldn't talk. He'd hurt Trae plenty of times himself.
But this was _U'kaiah_, not a screw up like him. He shouldn't be
hurting Trae like this.

U'kaiah could feel his jaw clench a bit. It seemed the bronzerider was
a little too interested in their affair. "I did nothing to her.
Nothing will change. I stayed out of your relationship with Trae, I
would appreciate it if you'd stay out of mine."

He could argue that fact. N'vanik shook his head. "How can you pass up
a chance like that?"

"I don't belong there. Besides, I have a wing to lead." And he would
much rather go back to the business of leading it than have this
conversation. "Go if you like, N'vanik, but I have actually earned my
place here."

N'vanik clenched his fists, nails biting into his palms. "Fine. Just
makes my chances better, doesn't it? And maybe I haven't _earned_ it,
but at least she'll know one of us thinks she's worth the effort!"

U'kaiah's head snapped up as a his eyes narrowed, flashing with a hint
of possessive jealousy that he quickly supressed. "She knows I love
her," he said,
looking away. "But there are things that more important than the both
of us. You only see Trae. You have that luxury. I see every man and
woman I've ever lead in the fight against Thread."

"Oh, that's right. I have no sense of duty." N'vanik crossed his arms.
"I forgot. Fearless Leader has to put himself on a pedestal."

"That's right, N'vanik. You don't. You've never been responsible for
the lives of an entire wing. When Thread is passed your day is done.
Mine has just begun. That's when I go to the infirmary count the bodies
and know that I had a hand in their being there, and if my staying at
Dragonsfall can save one, just _one_ of them, then I must stay, or else
how can I look at myself in the mirror?" U'kaiah didn't even know why
he was
trying to explain himself to the man. N'vanik had always made it clear
that he had no respect for authority. How could he ever understand?
"You can follow your penis wherever it points, but I will stay here and
do my duty."

N'vanik lunged at him and barely restrained himself from punching him
in the sharding face. He grabbed a fistful of U'kaiah's tunic and
leaned close. "You might have those pretty knots on your shoulder, but
don't you think for _one second_ that you're the only one that feels
responsible. You know why I really ended up here? Because I wasn't
fast enough to save my last Wingleader. And every day I look at Tal
and see that shadow in her eyes, and can't help thinking if I was
faster, if I was better, would she still be whole? You don't know how
many times _I've_ looked in the mirror and seen nothing but failure."

U'kaiah didn't make a move, but stared the bronzerider steadily right in
the eye. He would not let N'vanik bait him into another huge mistake.
"That's exactly why I will not go, N'vanik. I refuse to be you. Now
take
your hand off me, wingrider."

N'vanik shoved him away. "You sit there and you judge me just like
everyone else. I'm not leaving. I'm not abandoning anything. I'm not
going to win. But you _could_. You wouldn't just be leading a Wing,
but a whole Weyr, one that needs more help than we do. You'd have all
the duty you could handle _and_ Trae. How could you pass that up?" He
shook his head. "Maybe you know deep down you're not good enough, and
you're afraid to let everyone else see."

The Wingleader snorted as he leaned back in his chair. "Quite the
opposite. It's easy to win when the playing field has been leveled for
you. I don't need to be handed an advantage. I am good enough. But I
want the dragons _here_, in this Weyr, to recognize that. I want to
lead _these_ riders, the ones I've grown up with, the ones I've fought
with, bled with. I don't want to lead strangers. I want have my
friend's back when we go into battle. I want to see my own riders
through another Fall. And if I'm still alive, I want to watch over my
son when he takes to the skies on his own dragon. These are my people.
This is my home. I will be Dragonfall's Weyrleader, or never at all.
But," U'kaiah said, leaning forward and pointing in emphasis, "don't
ever mistake that for not loving Trae enough. She is the first thing I
think of in the morning and the last when my eyes close at night. If it
weren't a Pass I would have been by her side, Weyrleader or not."

"Nice speech." N'vanik leaned against the wall. "Must be nice to bow
out of a chase because you think your chances are too good. Me, I'm
gonna fall flat on my face in front of everyone, but no one'll be
surprised. That's my real luxury, U'kaiah: no expectations. You've got
all these people looking up to you."

"That's right," the Wingleader nodded, tiring very quickly of this
conversation. "I wish you luck, N'vanik, especially if you win her.
But if you do win, and anything at all happens to her, I will hold you
personally responsible. Now get out of my office."

N'vanik snorted. "Good day to you too, Fearless Leader." He didn't
have to be so high and mighty about everything. N'vanik almost wished
he would win, just so he could rub it in U'kaiah's face.

Last updated on the September 20th 2008

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Worth The Effort