The Idea of Being in Love

Writers: AL, Cali
Date Posted: 19th October 2008

Characters: Sorsha, Ri'len, Raise
Description: Sorsha and Railen talk about I'lan and their relationship.
Location: Elsewhere on Pern
Date: month 12, day 12 of Turn 4

Railen swept the brush over the runner's hide one last time before dropping it into the bucket. Then he leaned into Gaff and hooked an arm over his neck. The horse turned his head to get a sidelong glance at the young holder and nickered softly. Railen reached up with his free hand to pat the sturdy neck and let out a long sigh. "I'm such an idiot."

The runner didn't reply, but swung his head back around to contemplate the wall of his stall. "I should have told her. _They_ should have told her from the outset. Even though they didn't, I should have from the get go myself. Now she's going to hate me." He had been a fool to hide it from her, even if his parents had requested that he do so. He was afraid to tell her now, afraid that he would lose any hope of having her. Yet, the idea of keeping the knowledge from her made his stomach twist and he just couldn't bear the thought of lying to her. Yes, lying. That's what it was, lying by omission and that wasn't any better than lying outright.

She would be there soon. Sorsha would come and he would tell her and then she would be so upset that they wouldn't have a lesson. In fact, Railen had the feeling there wouldn't be anymore lessons after that. She would hate him and they would be forced to marry and he would live with her hate for the rest of their lives. What a cheerful thought that was.

"Hey," Sorsha said quietly as she came up behind him. They'd gotten back to the hold very late last night so she'd faked a headache to sleep in a bit. It hadn't gotten her out of her morning studies, but working on her handwriting and reading had kept her busy enough she hadn't had to dwell on the previous night. Now she had to and it made her nervous, he'd hate her, but she couldn't just avoid him for the rest of her turn at Willet Grove.

Railen straightened and turned, fixing a smile upon his face though it seemed tight and thin. "Hey." He shifted from foot to foot and looked around. There were some others in the stables and it wasn't really the best place for a conversation of that sort. "Do you mind if we skip the lesson and...talk a bit? Somewhere a little more private?"

Sorsha looked over her shoulder and saw her cousin and another man loading hay so she nodded, her nervousness growing at the thought of being alone with him again. "Okay, but I want to do the talking this time, I've got to tell you about something."

"And...I have something to tell you, but by all means, I will let you say your piece first." Railen wasn't sure if he wanted to hear what she had to say. He was afraid of what it would be, but he supposed it was better to hear it than let it simmer beneath the surface. "This way." He motioned for her to follow then led her out toward the pasture where there would only be runners to overhear their conversation.

"Are you mad at me?" she asked. She didn't want him to be mad at her, but she'd handled last night so poorly, she wouldn't be surprised if he hated her.

"No!" Railen stopped in surprised, then quickly resumed his pace. "I'm not mad at all. I'm just...afraid you're going to be mad at me."

Sorsha smiled, she'd been so worried... "I'm not mad at you. I just think that maybe you're confused about what you're really feeling."

"I don't know about that." Railen stopped at a cropping of rocks and motioned for Sorsha to sit. "But please, go ahead and speak. I will listen."

She sat down and looked out at the runners grazing under the sparsely placed trees that provided some shade. "Do you remember I'lan? The dragonrider that we had dinner with at Green Bend?"

I'lan? What did he have to do with anything? "Yes. I do."

"You know he rescued me from Thread?" she asked, knowing they'd never talked about I'lan but she figured her story had gotten around during their visit to Green Bend. "Well he was my hero for that, and I became sort of infatuated in him."

"Well, yes, I did hear that." Railen nodded, then did a mental double take. "In...fatuated?"

She nodded not quite able to turn and look him in the eye. "And then he came back and kept coming back and we spent alot of time together and I thought that he cared about me and that I might love him. And then after the dinner that night, he kissed me and I was sure that I did."

"Oh." So there it was. She didn't love him. In fact, it was even worse - she loved someone else. Of course, that was only to be expected, Railen though bitterly. She was attractive, kind, sweet, very likable. Why wouldn't there be someone else? "I...oh."

"And then I came here. He knew I was coming here, and he'd _promised_ he'd come and see me again." She thought about how stupidly she'd waited so excited that whole restday, and how she'd just kept waiting, never doubting that he'd come.

"But he never came. I've been here over a month and he hasn't come. And I've realized that maybe I didn't really love him, that I just liked the idea of being in love with him, you know? Like that infatuation felt good so I convinced myself of it being real." She sighed, sure she sounded completely stupid. "Does that make any sense at all?"

Railen relaxed a bit and nodded. "Yes. Yes, I understand what you're saying. So it's not love? Just...a crush I guess?"

Sorsha shrugged, she hoped it was just a crush, she was trying to convince herself that it was at least. "Just like your feelings about me. If you really look at it, you'll realize it's not love. I mean, we've only known each other a little over a month, we haven't had _time_ to fall in love yet."

"I disagree." Railen shook his head. "Love can't be confined by boundaries. Sometimes it takes a while, yes, but sometimes it doesn't." The young man turned to her, jaw set, "I love you Sorsha. It's not a lie, it's not some infatuation. I _know_." He started to reach out to her, but then let his hands fall to his side. "But now...now I have something to tell you that will make you hate me. I don't want to tell you, I'm not _supposed_ to tell you, but I will. Because I love you Sorsha and that means I shouldn't keep things from you."

She looked him in the eyes and searched there for some doubt, some hesitation, but she couldn't find any. Maybe he really did love her, maybe it really did happen that fast... but if that was true, then maybe she really did love I'lan. Before she could think more about it, she turned at the sound of running and swishing skirt against the grasses. "Raise? What are you doing here?" she asked Railen's little sister when she got close enough.

"Mother says if you're not going riding she could use help with dinner." Raise exclaimed, pleased she was able to not only find Sorsha but deliver her important message.

"Tell mother that we are having a very important discussion." Railen turned to his sister and pulled himself up to his full height. "And _you_ are to go help her." Irritation crept up the young man's neck, though he managed to pull it from his voice. Perhaps they should have gone riding and then had the discussion - away from where anyone could see them.

"No," Sorsha said apologetically to Raise as she put a gentle hand on Railen's arm. "I'll help, we can finish our discussion later." She didn't want to upset Karai and have her think she was slouching on her duties.

She took the little girl's hand and they walked briskly towards the hold. She looked back and waved at Railen before they'd gone far, but his back was to her, so she focused on Raise and tried to put her conflicted feelings for two very different men out of her mind.

Railen opened his mouth to protest, then slouched. He needed to tell her, but she didn't seem to think that what he had to say was important. He watched them go, then turned back and kicked a pebble, watching it bounce once before settling on the ground.

Last updated on the October 20th 2008

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The Idea of Being in Love