Couldn't He Understand?

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 20th April 2009

Characters: Cinale, Daigoro
Description: Daigoro grossly misreads Cinale's mood
Location: Vintner Hall
Date: month 2, day 1 of Turn 5
Notes: Follows "Forcing a Smile"

Cinale

Daigoro checked his face in the mirror one more time and wiped the
corners of his mouth, still white with tooth powder. He almost threw
the towel
down onto the corner of the counter, until he remembered that he had
been working very hard to hang the towel back up on the rack when he was
done
with it. As he walked through the door he also remember to stop and
flip the glowbasket closed before turning to walk back into the room,
but he
didn't make it past the doorway before he stopped.

Cinale was standing in front of the mirror, her sleeping gown untied and
he could see her bared chest and stomach in her reflection. He could
feel something stirring deep down inside of him as he looked at her. It
had
been a long time since he had seen her, not since before she had lost
the baby. A _very_ long time. What was she doing, part of him
wondered.
The other part didn't care. He just wanted to look at her.

Cinale could still remember how the baby had felt as she'd held him
against her. She
lifted her arms, cradling her breasts, wondering what her body would
look like if she hadn't lost her own child. Her tummy might be rounder,
fuller, tangible proof of the life growing within her. Her face might
be rounder too. Cinale tilted her head, studying her eyes in the
mirror.
Her expression would be happier, and contented. The stress lines that
creased her face would be absent, and the sorrow that lingered there in
her eyes would never have existed....

Daigoro could feel a gentle heat radiating in his body as he watched his
wife touch herself, his breath coming a little quicker. Shards, it had
been a long time since he had felt her flesh beneath his fingers.

She uncrossed her arms, then pressed her fingers to her collarbones
before tracing them gently down to the slight swells below to finally
rest on
her ribs. Her upper body would be starting to make adjustments,
preparing
nourishment for the new life she was going to give to this world.
Shaking her red hair back away from her face, she sighed. Had it been
any other
time in her life, she would have been happy be more slender than she had
been in Turns. But this noticeable weight loss was due to stress and
distress. For the first time in her life, she wished that she was
gaining weight rather than losing it.

Her husband couldn't stand it any more. Moving out of the doorway he
stood behind her, his large fingers wrapping around her hips as he
buried his nose in her hair. "You are so beautiful, Cinale," he
murmured in
her ear.

A soft pant of surprise escaped her, pulse jumping against her throat.
How long had he been watching her? She self-consciously crossed her
arms over her chest again, trying to cover herself but knowing at the
same
time that she was acting ridiculous. He had seen her before.
But...shards,
she didn't want him to see her like this right now.

His fingers slid across her stomach as his arm wrapped around her,
kissing her neck softly and delighting in the warmth of her body
radiating
through the thin fabric covering her back. He could feel his body
reacting to
her proximity. "Let's make love tonight."

Her breathing quickened--but not with desire. With anxiety. It was too
soon for her. She wasn't ready for physical intimacy yet. Especially
not after tonight with the memory of that beautiful baby still drifting
in
the forefront of the thoughts...and the baby she had lost. Crossing her
arms even tighter across her breasts, she tried to shift away, but his
hold
on her was lovingly tight. "Daigoro..."

"Cinale," he breathed, reaching up to turn her face towards his so he
could kiss her softly.

His lips barely brushed hers before she turned her head away into his
neck, chin still caught in his fingers. She was trembling now, trying
desperately to get a hold of herself. His fingers slid gently from her
chin down her throat; she could feel his hot breath against her temple
as he kissed her there, and she knew that he didn't understand that she
wasn't ready. And why would he? Many sevendays had passed since the
miscarriage and he had given her all the space and time she'd needed.
But he obviously had missed touching her the way a husband touches his
wife,
not knowing that each caress reminded her of what she--of what they
both--had lost.

His fingers wandered down to her shoulders and began slowly slipping the
fabric from off her shoulder, touching her softly and going almost
painfully slowly. As much as he wanted her, something inside him told
him to hold back. The fact that this was their first time since that
tragic
event was not lost on him, nor was it far from his mind. It had been an
emotional loss for them both, and it was not right to rush in as if
nothing had happened.

Shards, she wasn't ready, but she couldn't bring herself to pull away
from him. A good wife didn't do that to her beloved. He had been so
sensitive to her moods, knowing that she had needed time after the
miscarriage to
recover, so he hadn't tried to make love to her. But she had taken her
need for solitude one step further and had built a wall up between them.
She had been pushing him away--at least she had been up until Turn's
End. Things between them had been easier since their talk, yet their
relationship still wasn't the same as it had been before the tragedy.
Perhaps it was because they hadn't reaffirmed their love physically yet.
Perhaps it really was all her fault that there was still a rift.
Perhaps she needed to swallow her fear and let him make love to her even
though
she knew in her heart that she wasn't ready yet. Confused, she closed
her eyes, trying not to resist his caresses--though she couldn't help
but
stiffen slightly as his palms cupped her just beneath her breasts,
gently stroking her skin.

Daigoro wondered if her letting him take the lead was out of enjoyment
or nervousness. He could certainly understand why she might be nervous.
Since their marriage they had never spent much time being physically
distant from each other. It almost felt like their first time again.
In a way, it was - their first time since coming through an event that
would change their relationship forever. He sought to reassure her as
he
turned her around to face him, seeking her lips with his to kiss her
gently,
trying to push away her fears.

She pressed her shaking palms against his chest, allowing the kiss, but
too undecided in her heart to kiss him back. A good wife didn't resist
her husband, especially when that husband was so patient and
loving--especially when she loved him in return. And not only that, but
she was trying to bridge the gap between them now. Making love would
help them, she knew it would. So why couldn't she calm her whirling
thoughts? _Why_ wasn't she ready?

Daigoro slowly deepened the kiss--ever so slowly--but instead of
soothing her like he had meant it to, it heightened her anxiety, and her
temper,
which rarely showed its ugly head, flashed through her like lightning.
She stiffened against him, the pull of sensuality fading quickly.
Couldn't he understand that she wasn't ready? Couldn't he read her
hesitation in her body? Or was he too wrapped up in his own feelings
and just assumed she was as ready as he obviously was?

Though it had been a while, Daigoro had made love to her enough over the
past turn to know that something was not right. He pulled back
slightly, looking down at her, but unable to read her face, and her eyes
were
turned away from him. Perhaps that more than anything truly got through
to
him. She wouldn't look him in the eye. "Cinale?"

When she dared to glance up into his face, the anger had fled her just
as suddenly as it had come to her. Now she just felt confused again,
even
desolate. She'd never had a good poker face and she knew she wore her
heart on her sleeve. He would see it all now--her unwillingness, her
sadness, her uncertainty. As he searched her eyes in that brief moment,
the words she desperately wanted to say crammed in her throat--she
couldn't speak. Ashamed, she looked away again.

Shards how he wished she could have said something. _Anything_. Now he
just felt confused and awkward. He had done something wrong, and for
the life of him he couldn't understand what it could have been. Letting
his
arms drop he took a step back. "Maybe... we should just call it a
night."

She felt like crying. "I'm sorry." The words came out in a strangled
whisper.

And now he just felt like an ass. "No. No, Cinale, you don't say sorry
for things that aren't you fault." This was most likely all his fault.
He had figured that much out. "Let's just... Let's just sleep on it."

Feeling wretched, she haltingly laced up her nightgown before fleeing to
her side of the bed. He was wrong. _She_ was really the one to blame.
For everything.

Last updated on the May 10th 2009

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Couldn't He Understand?