You Are Not Alone

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 3rd May 2009

Characters: Daigoro, Cinale
Description: Daigoro and Cinale finally have a heart to heart about what has happened
Location: Vintner Hall
Date: month 2, day 9 of Turn 5

Cinale

Cinale knew she couldn't stall any longer. Daigoro wouldn't go to bed
until she came to him so he could tuck the blankets around her himself.
He was worried about her, she knew that, and it hurt her to see that
anxious light lingering in his eyes when he moved to brush her hair away
from her forehead, kissing her goodnight chastely on her brow. Sometimes
he would kiss her on her cheek, but he hadn't tried to kiss her lips--not
since that night when he had wanted to make love...and she had spurned his
gentle, loving advances.

Guilt once again seeped into her thoughts. She should have made love to
him that night. She shouldn't have pushed him away. Biting her lower
lip, she forced herself to put the rest of the dishes away and finally
went upstairs. Daigoro was already in bed reading. He looked up when she
walked in, and she gave him a hesitant smile. "I thought you finished
that book last night."

"I thought I had too, but when I read the ending I realized I had missed
something. Apparently I slept-read my way through half the second to last
chapter." Actually, he hadn't really been reading at all, just scanning
the page while his mind was elsewhere. "Are you ready for bed?"

"Only if you are." She slowly undid the knot in her robe, careful not to
meet his eyes. She didn't want to see the desire there, the sadness. It
would just make her feel even worse than she already did.

Her fears were unfounded, however. There was no desire there. Not desire
for her body at least. All he wanted was to see her happy again, to
somehow help her break through that wall of sadness, and he would be
infinitely patient if that was what she needed. He peeled back the covers
for her, lifting her pillow up the way she always liked. "I think my eyes
are getting tired."

"They wouldn't get so tired if you used your spectacles," she teased
gently, slipping out of her robe and crawling into bed.

"They hurt my ears," he grumbled, still sore over the fact that he now
_needed_ them. But he had gotten them, if only to make her happy.

"Poor darling," she murmured, amusement in her eyes as he began the ritual
of tucking her in.

"Hphm," he snorted though his eyes smiled down at her. "Good night,
love," he murmured, leaning down to kiss her forehead softly.

"Night," she whispered as he turned out the light. She felt him shift
until he was pressed gently up against her. One large arm snaked over her
stomach to hold her lightly. It was how they always slept--intimate, but
not sexual. The way he held her comforted her, and usually she was able
to fall asleep after a few minutes. But not tonight. She was restless,
her mind was too filled with guilt and frustration. She gazed up into the
darkness, wondering why he wasn't sleeping--she could tell by his
breathing that he hadn't drifted off yet. Was it because of her? Most
likely. Closing her eyes, she silently cursed herself for her weakness.
Why couldn't she be like him? Why couldn't she move on?

Daigoro was indeed thinking of her as they lay together in silence. He
could tell she too was having trouble falling asleep and it worried him.
Had he made things worse for her? It was hard to tell. There was
something going on inside of her, but she didn't seem to feel like opening
up to him. It was probably because of that sharding debaucle of a
seduction he had tried to push on her before. It had been a mistake, the
whole thing. Somehow, he should have _known_ on some level that she
wasn't ready. She was his wife! Who was supposed to know her inner
thoughts and feelings better than him? And yet, in this, he felt lost and
useless. All he could do was hold her, since it seemed she liked that,
and hope that eventually things would sort themselves out.

The silence was heavy, the darkness oppressive--just like the feelings in
her heart. She missed Daigoro; she missed her friend, her lover, the easy
way they used to have between them. She wanted all of it back the way it
had been before she lost the baby. Would she ever heal like he had? "How
is it so easy for you?" The soft words escaped her before she could stop
them.

Her words breaking the silence of the night startled him, so it took him a
moment to reply. "Easy? How is what easy, love?"

Shells, she hadn't meant the words to come out like that. But it was too
late to take them back. "Moving on from...from what happened." She
turned her head to look at him, her own expression frustrated, hurting.
"How is it so easy for you?"

"It's not _easy_," he protested softly, actually a little hurt that she
would think that he was so heartless. "I still think about it every day."

"Do you?" she asked quietly.

"Of course I do. It was my baby too." He'd had his own hopes and dreams
dashed when they had lost the child.

Of course it was. Had been. "But you seem so in control of everything,
Daigoro. You don't seem to be angry inside. Angry or frustrated or
wounded. You're moving on and I'm," her voice cracked, "I'm stuck in the
past. I can't get out of this sharding rut I'm in!" The words were
spilling out of her now. "When you touched me the other night, when you
wanted to love, I panicked because I can't...I can't get out. I feel
trapped."

He had wanted her to open up to him, but the way the words just poured out
of her mouth, it was hard to know what to say to her. Pulling her closer
he just said softly, "I wish I knew how to help you."

She tensed, suddenly angry with him. "Then why don't you ever talk to me
about it? How come you don't tell me what you're feeling inside?"

Daigoro was a little taken aback. His wife rarely raised her voice to him
in anger. He lay there silently a moment, trying to think of what she
might want to hear. In the end he thought the answer was honesty.
"Because I didn't think it was what you needed to hear. I thought you had
enough pain of your own to deal with and that I would just have added to
your burdens when I am supposed to be the one who is here for you."

But he hadn't relieved her burden. If anything, his silence on the matter
had caused more harm than good! "Sometimes a woman needs more from a man
than just his strength, Daigoro."

"And sometimes there's only so much silence a man can take," he snapped
back without thinking. Regret followed instantaneously. "I'm sorry. I
shouldn't have said that. But how am I supposed to know when I'm helping
and when I'm hurting when you don't _tell_ me anything? I'm trying,
Cinale. Faranth knows I'm trying."

"I know." Shaking, she sat up, tears welling in her eyes. "_I'm_ the one
who hasn't been trying hard enough."

"That's not what I was saying at all," he quickly assured her, sitting up
and putting an uncertain hand on her shoulder. "I'm just saying that I
don't know how to fix this for you. I don't know what more I can do.
Just tell me what you need me to do, Cinale, and I'll do it. But please,
_tell_ me what you need me to say."

Silence enveloped them for a long moment before she turned her head, eyes
flickering to his. "Tell me..." She looked down, pressing her cheek
against his hand. "Tell me that I'm not alone." That was what she
needed--she had to know that she wasn't the only one affected by this.
She needed to know that their child, their lost baby, meant something to
him too.

"You're not alone," he whispered, leaning his forehead against hers.
Daigoro understood that what she had wanted wasn't someone to be strong
for her, to protect her, even love her. She wanted someone who could
share her grief. "I had all these images of what our life would be like.
I imagined a little girl playing in the garden while you weeded, with the
sun shining in her golden hair. And I pictured a little boy following me
around the brewery and asking all sorts of questions, splashing in the
puddles on the floor. I had hundreds of these little daydreams. And they
haven't stopped, even though in my heart I know it's gone."

Tears tangled in her lashes. Faranth, it was enough to break her heart
all over again--to hear him say those words. "I had dreams like those
too," she whispered. "Sweet dreams. Beautiful dreams."

"I know those dreams won't come true for that baby," he continued softly,
"and that saddens me. I wanted to love that baby. I have to believe that
someday we will have a baby, and that those dreams will come true for us.
But I think I will always wonder what could have been."

"So will I, Daigoro."

He wrapped his arms around her with a bit more confidence, pulling her
close and tucking her head beneath his chin. "I'm sorry, my love. I'm
sorry I didn't say all this before. I'm sorry... I'm sorry I can't fix
this for you and give you what I know you want."

She shook her head. "You are," she murmured. He was talking to her, and
she was talking to him. Finally. It was what they both needed. The
tension between them--and in her--was easing. It would take a long time
for the pain to diminish, but at least for now they would help buoy one
another.

Last updated on the May 24th 2009

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You Are Not Alone