Go Away!

Writers: Chelle, Miriah
Date Posted: 15th May 2014

Characters: E'rae, Bahji
Description: E'rae finds Bahji
Location: River Bluff Weyr, Sunstone Seahold
Date: month 6, day 21 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: K'lvin

It had been several sevendays before he had managed to get everything sorted
again. His life had calmed down and he was able to think. He was still learning
Dolphin Cove but he had fought threadfall with his wing and it had gone okay.
E'rae had time to think. He had time to consider. And he finally realized that
he hadn't been honest. He hadn't been honest with himself or her. And enough time
had gone by for him to see that he did owe her that, at least.

When she hadn't been at the Hatching, he had asked around. And then he heard
that she was at the Weyr. And she wasn't pregnant. Something had happened. Panic
rose up in his chest. **Did that person hurt her again? Did she lose the baby
again? Is she allright?** In his mind, he saw her lying there at the foot of the
stairs again. Someone had seen her and she wasn't in the Infirmary, so she was okay
at least, not hurt. Trying to calm himself down, he managed to keep it
together long enough to get Leith's harness on and make it to River
Bluff. He went to her quarters, hoping that was where she would be. If she
wasn't...he needed to see her, just her.

"Looking for Bahji again?" A familiar face walked by E'rae near her
quarters. "She's not here. Went home, from what I understand."

**Why the shells had she done that?** He remembered meeting her father and
the issues that had caused. Then again, he had also met her mother and that
woman was much like his own. So perhaps.. "Thank you." Turning on his heel,
he mounted up again and headed for Sunstone. The only problem was, he didn't
know exactly where she was. So hopefully when Leith called, Burst would make an appearance
and make things a bit easier. Otherwise, he was going to ask the Headwoman.

The moment they landed at Sunstone, Burst heard the call from the familiar
blue and went to attention, lifting his head with a little chirrup. Bahji,
hearing the interest, paused in her quiet work, hands stilling on the torn
net that her agile fingers had already began to repair. It was mindless
work, but it allowed her quiet time. "What is it, Burst?"

Bartona came up behind her, moving silently as a frown marred her face. Her
daughter had been quiet since she had arrived. Far too quiet and much of the
fire that had been part of her personality had seemed to be snuffled out.
There hadn't been a single smile on Bahji's face since her arrival. She had
gotten the full story the moment after Jitarim had left for the boats, and a
surge of maternal protectiveness had surged forth. She was angry at the
Weyr, but also, oddly understanding and grateful it had been done. What the
dragonman had done was horrific to her mind, but Bartona could not fault the
reasoning behind it. It had been quite simply a lose-lose situation. But for
her daughter to see that would take time...time for her to heal and time for
her to understand it. "Another tunnelsnake, perhaps?" The little bronze had
already caught three.

"No. It's..." She blinked as she felt the blast of cold air as Burst
disappeared. "Something has caught his interest."

The little bronze appeared near Leith, saw E'rae and immediately began a
long tirade of scolding chirps and chitters. He landed on a nearby stone and
hopped up and down as he continued, eyes whirling rapidly with hints of red
and yellow.

}:He seems angry at us.:{ E'rae thought that was to be expected at least
since the little firelizard would be picking on her emotions and there was
probably nothing else she could be. Still, if she was angry that meant she
wasn't badly injured. That was hopeful.

**Tell him we come to make peace** The bluerider didn't know what else or
how else to say it. He had never been very good at words.

}:We come to see that yours is okay little cousin. Will you show us where
she is:{ Leith waited to see what results that might produce. His eyes
whirled an interested green though he felt his rider's own nervousness and
concern over the situation.

The bronze puffed up his chest, gave another round of fierce scolding cries
and then leapt into the air, disappearing with a blast of cold air. He
reappeared over Bahji's head and sent images of Leith and E'rae, where they
had landed and emotions of concern and remembered anger.

Bahji frowned and her fingers stumbled over the netting as realization took
her. Her face paled. "Mother, E'rae's here. Burst saw them."

Her mother immediately stiffened. She had of course, been told the bare
bones of the ending of her daughter's relationship with E'rae, but had
guessed from her child's expressions as she spoke of it that the ending
hadn't been a pleasant one. "Do you want to see him?"

Bahji's jaw clenched and her fingers twisted slightly in the netting as she
turned her face away. "I don't know why he's here. He made himself quite
clear."

Sighing, Bartona rubbed her temple. "I'll go see why he's here, Bahji."
Bahji nodded and pulled her hands away from the netting. Her nerves were too
much of a distraction to work further.

Letting Burst lead her, Bartona followed him to the area where the little
bronze had seen the blue and his rider. Taking a deep breath, she stepped
into view, crossed her arms and approached. "E'rae. What are you doing
here?"

"I went to the Weyr and they said she wasn't there. I wanted to know if she
was okay. I came...to explain myself though I understand if she doesn't want
to hear it. She said...the baby was mine. I will care for what is mine." He
shook his head, seeing her mother was the gateway to what he needed in many
ways. He had only met Bartona the once and didn't know her that well but he knew what
it felt like to want to protect one's child and he spoke quietly to show her he meant no
harm.

"No. She came home." Bartona kept her arms over her chest. "And she's as
fine as can be expected, no thanks to the Weyr and its ways." She took a
deep breath and lifted her chin, straightening to her full, if meager,
height. "The babies are no more, so you're free of the responsibility and
your conscience can be clear."

He acted as if he hadn't heard her. "What?" He needed to hear it again.

That had also caught Leith's attention and the dragon was immediately
attentive, watching his rider and the woman and monitoring E'rae's thoughts.
He had worked to get beyond the first child. One thing could set him
back-especially the exact same thing.

Bartona sighed and spoke softly. "The Healers and a dolphin told her that
her hips were not healed enough to bear another child and she carried two.
She wanted to keep them but if she had, from what I understand, Bahji would
have died birthing them. The decision was made to take her /between/. " She
didn't add that Bahji had not agreed with the decision nor had she been
prepared for it. That was a pain that was only for her daughter to discuss.
Looking up at E'rae on the back of his blue, she continued. "She is hurting
right now, E'rae. Deeply. I don't know if she wants to see you."

Right then he felt that pain all over again. He was quiet as he was consumed
by it. Looking down at his feet, he felt himself get dizzy and then instead
of being angry, as before, he became physically ill. Stepping back, he put
his head between his knees. Leith moved forward protectively, crooning to
his rider. So soon-and here it was again. Not one-not two-but three gone. Beginning to
retch, though it was dry heaves, he didn't approach her. He needed to get
hold of himself, but it was too much just then-nothing he had ever
expected. Nothing he had ever wanted.

Her mothering nature surged forward and before she knew it she was by his
side with a light arm around his back, rubbing along the spine to soothe.
"I'm sorry to be the bearer of the news. Take a deep breath." She looked
over her shoulder. "Come with me and we'll get you some water."

He couldn't walk, not yet. Closing his eyes he thought about that tree
again. This time he didn't even have a body to bury, did he? He didn't have
anything to mourn. As the father, it had been his right to take them
/between/ if that had been the decision. Instead, he had never been told.
And now here he was again, right back where he started. It was a long time
before he stopped and was able to stand again. He just looked at her, not
able to speak. He didn't trust himself with words. So he just followed.

Bartona led him to the little cothold that she shared with her husband. If
Bahji had a complaint, she could air it later; the man needed a place to sit
and a cup of cold water. She opened the door and ushered him in, then looked
at the chair that Bahji sat in. "Bahji." Leading E'rae to a chair, she
hurried to pour a cup of water and handed it to E'rae, placing it firmly in
his hand.

Her back to them and hands in her lap, Bahji's nose twitched. She would have
recognized the scent even if Burst hadn't sent an image of them walking
towards the cothold. Her voice was soft. "I know. Burst let me know." She
took an unsteady breath and turned towards them. She had lost weight and
there was a darkness under her eyes that made her look more fragile than she
had previously.

He didn't even see her. He was moving quietly and stiff-the shock was
setting in. He took the water and he drank, but he didn't seem to know where
he was really. Outside, unable to see his rider and receiving little to no
communication from him except a jumble of thoughts that were not good-Leith
was worried. The blue was making noises and his face could be seen clearly
in the window. Now his eyes matched Burst's yellow whirling ones.

The quiet disturbed Bahji. She knew he was there, but he wasn't saying
anything, but she could hear Leith; the smell of dragonhide let her know
that he was nearby. It brought back memories, far too many of them. She
waited, and still nothing. "Mother told you."

He was a man drowning. He couldn't come up out of it. Thankfully, E'rae
reached for the only thing that never changed-his dragon. He pushed his own
thoughts out of the way and reached for that presence in his mind.
Struggling not to lose his own mind, he needed that reassurance and the
knowledge that he wasn't alone. He had to live-for Leith.

}:I love you. We will survive this. The Thread will not eat us. We will
carry the scar but we will live. Stay with me mine. Stay.:{ It was all he
could do since he didn't understand. He just knew he couldn't lose his other
half. They cleaved to each other, just as they had on Impression day before everything
else. All this was going on behind that quiet façade.It took almost an hour before E'rae
finally blinked, looking down at the empty cup.

He still couldn't speak just yet, but he turned his head to regard her. She
was alive. No one had harmed her.

Bahji may not have understood, but her mother did. Moving quietly, she bent
to whisper into Bahji's ear. Bahji nodded and turned away from E'rae, moving
her hands back to the net. She didn't like him being so quiet, she didn't
like the fact that he was here, invading her peace. Why had he come here?
What did he want? Why wasn't he talking? Why didn't he just go away before
more insults came? She was half a mind to ask her mother to show him out of
the door, but her mother seemed content to start cooking a late lunch.
Finally, unnerved by the oppressive silence and unknowing that he was
looking at her, she rose and walked out of the front door.

Again, time passed before he could move. When he did, it was with a graceful
movement that spoke of his younger days as a hunter. He went outside-to be
closer to his dragon-and to say what he needed to say to her. That was what
he had come for before all of this. The need sat in his gut like a wasting
disease and it felt so heavy. Fortunately for him, he had longer legs so he did find
her. He watched her for a bit before clearing his throat. "Were you hurt?"

She hadn't heard him and so when his voice sounded in her ears, she jumped,
then went still. She swallowed roughly. "When?" She didn't turn to face him.
His voice sounded like he was behind her, but she didn't turn towards it.
"When you screamed at me, when you decided that they weren't yours, or when
they weren't there anymore?"

**I deserve that.** "I screamed at you because you hurt me. You hurt me when
I was still hurting over the death of the first child. I couldn't get over
it. I couldn't deal with it. That's why I left River Bluff. Every time I saw
you, I saw him. I...was having problems flying." E'rae looked up at the sky
and wondered what it might have felt like to go /between/ for just a little
too long. "I came back to claim it...them... No one told me." He also noticed
that the bronzerider wasn't here. She wasn't at the Weyr-with him. That meant
something. He didn't know what yet, but something.

"You act as though I wanted to hurt you." Bahji gave a humorless laugh and
shook her head. "You hurt and you took it out on me. Called me names.
Implied that I was a whore and that I didn't care for our child." Her voice
broke and she struggled to contain herself. It took a moment to pull herself
together before she continued. "No. No one told you. You said that they
weren't yours and that you weren't ready. Why would I tell you when you
rejected them? And then you left." She wrapped her arms around herself. "You
made it clear."

"If I had been in your place, I would have told you because you would have
had a right to know. I never said it wasn't mine. I said if it was, it would
be dead. And so it is." He wasn't going to argue with her. It was wasted
now. It was all a waste. "But you did want to hurt me. You wanted to. You went to
him willingly. Don't deny that or I will have his heart for raping you."
Steel entered his voice then after he shook his head. "None of that matters now.
What matters is our children are dead. All of them. Your mother said you were
injured. Are you okay?"

"I didn't want it to happen!" She whirled to face him. "I didn't want them
_dead_." Her jaw clenched as tears spilled down her cheeks. "And I never
wanted to hurt you, but believe what you like. I'm not going to argue with
you any more. You don't listen to a thing I say anyway." She turned on her
heel and wiped her eyes. "What do you care if I'm hurt or not?" She scrubbed
at her eyes and hugged herself.

"So if you didn't want to hurt me, why did you do it?" E'rae wasn't angry
now, he was trying to find answers. "Why do I care?" He sighed and looked
heavenward. "Because not only did I lose my children, I also lost you. The
moment you turned from me, I was completely alone besides Leith. I grieved
alone. If I didn't care about you, you wouldn't have been able to hurt me.
Unfortunately, I suppose I wasn't enough."

His dark eyes were immutable. He stood there, straight and stolid. E'rae had
survived many things in his life, including almost dying. Perhaps it was
just almost too much to weather.

Her voice was soft. "I thought you didn't want me anymore." She hugged
herself tighter. "I know you say now that it wasn't so, but that's what I
thought. I wanted to be wanted."

"I was trying to take care of you. If I didn't want you, I wouldn't have
bothered. People who don't care don't worry about others." Leith had moved
closer all this time and now the blue allowed E'rae to rest his head on his
shoulder. He was reigning in his emotions and the dragon had calmed somewhat but he
was still closely monitoring the situation. "So no, it was entirely your decision-you
didn't want me." Thinking about something else, he brought it up. "Why are you
here? Here and not there?" Her mother had come to her at the Weyr last time. This time,
though, she had gone home instead.

She nearly threw her hands up in the air. If she had not wanted him, she
wouldn't have gone to the flight rooms to find him. Men, she decided, were
stupid. Stupid and arrogant and complicated and stubborn. "I'm not going to
argue about it. You know that's not true and I'm tired of constantly trying
to explain myself when you won't listen. Besides, you were with others, weren't
you? It's okay for you but not for me. And, " She recalled conversations
with her friends on the subject, " we weren't weyrmated. You have no right to
criticize me or be angry with me for something you did yourself. I'm not going
to rehash it anymore. It's pointless." She went quiet at his last question
and shifted on her feet. "I couldn't stand being in the Weyr."

"I was with other men. It's not the same." To him, his homosexuality was
part of being a bluerider-he couldn't turn it off. It also made him
something his father was ashamed of. So it wasn't something he was proud
about for the most part. "And I told you that from the beginning. No we weren't
weyrmated because I never have been because I can't ever be completely faithful
to you. There will always be flights. There will always be men. So it wouldn't be
fair." To him, weyrmating was like a marriage and in marriage you were faithful.
He would never be truly to any partner he had. "But you had never expressed any
interest in anyone else. Then suddenly you changed your mind. But again,
no reason to talk about any of it. You don't want me and it's not ever going
to work. You seem to be allright here. I....just wish someone had told me. I would have
taken you /between/ if that's what was needed. It was my right."

At least now she understood why he didn't want to be at River Bluff anymore.
It was always there.

Her face flushed. He was getting everything wrong, except for one thing. It
wouldn't work. But the last tore it. "It was no one's right! No one's!
Dragonriders...you always think you know best don't you?" She gritted her
teeth and walked to her family's cot. "Go home, E'rae."

The way she said it, something tipped him off that something was wrong.
He wondered if it was worth it to follow her. But..they had been his too.
The idea that he would never get to name them or even bury them and she was
saying that it was none of his business was too much. So he followed her. "This has
nothing to do with me being a rider. This has to do with my children-our
children. They were just as much mine as they were yours. Did I not have as much right to
be there as you did?"

"No! No you didn't, shaffit!" Her voice ground out in the rare curse as she
stomped away from him. "You left! You said that they weren't yours! You gave
up that right! Now go away! If I never see another rider, it'll be a
blessing!"

"Don't lie to me. I was there and I know your hearing is better than
anything else. I said if it was mine it would be dead-and they are. I never
said I didn't want the child. I _never_ said that. I just wasn't ready
because everywhere I looked, I saw the other one. I see our son in you, in the trees,
everywhere. That's why I left River Bluff. I couldn't think straight, couldn't fly.
I almost Threaded myself. Since you had shut the door in my face I didn't think
I needed to tell you. I was there for you after you were hurt but when I was hurting, you shut the
door." He was shouting at first, but gradually his voice faded. He was done-there was no
more fight left in him. She had started walking away from him the day she'd met that
idiot bronzerider. **Where was he now? Not here taking care of her.**

He had also said that she hadn't loved their son. That memory was stark and
very clear in her mind. He had implied that she hadn't cared. "Go away,
E'rae. There's nothing more to be said." Her voice was soft. "Just...go
away."

And so he did. But as he walked, he left her with one thing. "I never left
you. You left me. Then I moved. I came here to do whatever was needed-I came
for you. You're the one telling me to leave. So this is your decision." It took
a while to get back to Leith, but when he did, he took a moment to check his
straps. If she wanted to get ahold of him, she could so he simply mounted up, strapped in,
and left.

Last updated on the May 28th 2014

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