Painful Memories

Writers: Avery, Chelle
Date Posted: 23rd October 2014

Characters: E'rae, L'pin
Description: E'rae and L'pin have losses in common.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 9, day 12 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: Naika

E'rae realized that someone much younger had a hard time grasping things. So
maybe it would be good to talk to someone he thought might understand. The
mindhealer had said he should form relationships in his new Weyr-healthy
ones. This counted, right? So he went to find the weyrlingmaster.

"Good afternoon, E'rae," L'pin said. His tone made it clear he was happy
for company. "None of my weyrlings have mistreated you today, right?"

"Oh no...always seems to be the candidates." He shrugged it off as if it
didn't matter. That strange girl. Sometimes that happened when holders came to the Weyr
though. "Ah no I was wondering...about what you said that day..." His eyes turned,
indicating he would stop the conversation if L'pin wanted to.

"Feel free to ask," L'pin said, sensing this was important.

"How do you live with yourself, after? I mean...how do you go about your
duties and do what you need to?" He was at a loss and it didn't seem to be getting
better, not really.

"Sometimes there are days when it hurts," he said, unwilling to lie. "But
I remember I have an obligation to others beyond myself. To Chaneth and to
my wing. I found repetition and tiring myself out helped - hard work,
extra drills and duties."

He frowned and considered everything. "I think, for me, the hardest part is
not just losing them and having no closure...but feeling betrayed. My sense of
trust has gone upside down. So I have a hard time thinking my new wingmates will
do what they should. Or even that I can manage my duties."

"You can't control what your wingmates will do, and worrying about it
might be interfering with handling your own duties," L'pin said
gently. It had done so for him, at least. "What about your own worries
you?"

"For a long time, I was so messed up....I couldn't focus. That meant
betweening could be dangerous as well as other things while flying. And I was so
angry, I could have easily taken it out on someone else. Not to mention my faith in
bronzeriders and Wingleaders in particular is completely gone." E'rae didn't want to go
into it all to explain why that was but it was the truth.

"In all Wingleaders and bronzeriders?" That was a surprise. It would
be like hating all greenriders for something one did. But the heart
was irrational, of course.

"Maybe not all of them but more than before." The young ones he didn't care
so much about. But the ones that were older, in authority, he had a distinct
aversion for.

L'pin sighed, remembering when his own wounds felt raw and fresh. "I
understand wanting to curse anyone who reminds you of it," he said
after a moment. "I kept telling myself it wasn't healthy, but then I
kept feeling it anyway."

"Yeah, especially when you never really had closure. That's the worst.
Moving here, though, probably made it easier than it would have been."
Indeed, he saw that now. He'd never have been able to handle being at
River Bluff anymore.

"I thought about it myself, but there weren't openings anywhere else. And
I'm glad I stayed in the end."

"Ah well your situation is a bit different. There are no living reminders of
your regrets." Pushing it out of his mind, E'rae resolved that he would stop
thinking about it so much. He had other things to worry about, after all,
and it wasn't going to change what was. Easier said than done, though, he mused.

No living reminders - just the traces of memories etched in the stone of
the buildings and corridors. But L'pin knew what E'rae meant. Sometimes
the ghosts were the hardest to shake.

Last updated on the November 16th 2014

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Painful Memories