J'ackt and the Mindhealer

Writers: Miriah, Yvonne
Date Posted: 29th July 2015

Characters: J'ackt, Alun
Description: J'ackt has to visit a Mind Healer
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 13, day 16 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: Cyradis, Sh'del, N'vanik

J'ackt

This was not something that he wanted to do. Fecking shaffit, he'd promised
N'vanik that he'd do what it took to graduate, but this was taking it too
bloody far. Fuming, he scowled as he sat in the infirmary. Fecking Sh'del
and Cyradis and their fecking ideas. He was bloody well fine! J'ackt ran a
hand through his hair, sitting back in his chair as he debated what he
should do to just get this over with.

He wasn't left waiting long. A middle aged man with a round face and a shock
of greying curls soon approached him. "J'ackt?" When the weyrling looked up,
the Healer smiled. "I'm Master Alun. Would you follow me to my office?"

Rising, J'ackt eyed the man. "Don't have much other choice."

"No, not really," Alun said gently as he ushered J'ackt into his tiny cubby
of an office. There was room for two comfortable chairs, a small desk and
not much else. "We're both here on someone else's orders, but here we are!
Please, sit down."

J'ackt sat, but just as quickly eyed and mentally measured the other man
before speaking his mind. "Look, I don't really fecking need to be here.
Just tell Cyradis and Sh'del that I'm perfectly fine." He glanced around the
small space, his dislike of small spaces beginning to creep up his spine. He
fought it back and frowned. "Just sign the hides, what ever you need to do
and I'll be on my way."

"Unfortunately, I can't." Alun took a seat in the other chair, ignoring the
desk. "That would reflect badly on my own competency. But I'm not
unsympathetic-- most people don't want to be here."

"I don't need to be here." J'ackt repeated stubbornly. "It's a waste of
shaffing time."

Alun nodded amiably. He'd been following J'ackt peripherally ever since the
weyrling had arrived at the Weyr. What Healer worth his knots wouldn't--
holdless lad Impressing a bronze? The only
surprising thing was that J'ackt hadn't ended up in his office sooner. Well,
his or one of his colleague's. "Where would you rather be?"

"Anywhere but here," was the prompt response. J'ackt's eyes narrowed. "So
what am I supposed to do? Talk about my feelings?" The words were laced with
scorn. "Do I look like someone who just talks about his feelings?" He
snorted. "Look, there's nothing wrong with my mind." He gestured to the desk
and to the hides upon it. "I'm fine."

"I agree-- there is nothing wrong with your mind." In Alun's half-formed
opinion, J'ackt was disassociated and off-balance in a strange world with
more people than he'd ever had to deal with in his short life. He had trust
issues and trouble forming relationships. But he'd also survived being
Holdless and he was coping now, and that was something-- he was resilient,
and Alun liked that about him. "And I'm not going to ask you to lay about
and talk about your feelings, either. But what I can do is answer any
questions you might have. Nothing that gets said in this room goes beyond
these walls."

"I have a question then." J'ackt stared straight in the man's eyes. "What do
I have to do to get out of this?"

"You already know the answer to this-- when Sh'dul and Cyradis are convinced
that you'll do well out there." Alun nodded at the wall, meaning the Weyr.
"Which means we have a half candlemark together every two days for the next
little while."

"Every two days?!" J'ackt sat up, his eyes narrowed. "No. No shaffing way. I
have things to do. And I don't fecking want to be here." It was only the
fact that Cyradis had taken away his ability to practice with a sword until
he was finished with the mindhealer that stopped him from immediately
getting up and walking out. Instead, he sat back, folded his arms cross his
chest and glowered at the man. Jaw muscles wildly twitching, he spoke
through his teeth. "I hope you're ready for half a candlemark of quiet. I
don't have questions."

"That's fine. We can sit here quietly." Alun smiled, settled back in his
chair, folded his hands over his belly, and began studying the far wall. It
wouldn't be the first session he'd sat through in silence, and it certainly
wouldn't be the last. Most people who were sent to counseling didn't want to
talk at first, and that was fine.

J'ackt sat stoically for a few minutes, but his expression grew darker with
each passing moment. At first his fingers tapped against his arm, then his
foot against the floor. An sharp exhalation escaped him as his glower
deepened. He did _not_ want to be here talking to this man that he didn't
know and didn't know him. All for _their_ peace of mind. His foot tapped
more rapidly against the stone floor. This was all a great waste of time.
Maybe if he just knocked the man out...he pushed away that thought. Shard's
they'd never give him back a sword or let him go anywhere then. His foot
drummed even more impatiently as he flicked a gaze at the candle and
blinked. It seemed like no time had passed at all!

"Would you like to go for a walk with me instead? A trip to the lake and
back will be just about a half candlemark," Alun said after a moment. "I
could use some air."

Anything to get out of this fecking office. It was too small, too closed in.
Thinking about it for a moment, he half snorted. His cave hadn't been much
bigger; it wasn't until he'd been in that bloody cell that closed spaces had
started to bother him. He rose and strode to the door, tension leaving some
of his shoulders as he yanked it open.

The Healer followed, but paused at the entrance to the Infirmary. "Let's
take the garden walk. I wouldn't mind a little shade. Get hot on the head
when your hair's thinning," he said, brushing his hand through his mess of
hair. "One of these days I'll get a hat."

"Then get one." He really didn't care too much about the sun. Given all of
his digging it didn't bother him as much as it did others. "Lets just get
this over with."

"Sure." Alun smiled and shrugged, then led the way down the path. This first
meeting was going about as well as he'd anticipated. They walked in silence
for a while, Alun enjoying the breeze and giving J'ackt space to take the
edge of his angry energy. Perhaps their next meeting he'd arrange a walk as
well. "Do you know why Sh'del and Cyradis sent you to see me?" The lake was
glimmering in the distance; not far now.

"They obviously think I'm crazy." It was stated in a cold, scornful tone
even as he took long jarring strides. Why else would someone have to go see
a Mind Healer?

"Because they know you're not," Alun corrected gently. J'ackt's pace
was quick, but the Healer was able to keep up. "Crazy people don't
Impress dragons. You did. But you're also coming from a challenging
background and things have changed quickly for you. Last turn-- could
you have imagined being here, with Zith?"

"Challenging background." J'ackt snorted but he shook his head to the
question. "Nope. Didn't want to be here at all." Sometimes he still
didn't. He often had thoughts of flying off, just him and Zith. No
worrying about Thread, no worrying about rules, just on their own. But
he couldn't even do that for a single hour, much less longer now,
thanks to Cyradis and Panitath.

"What about now?" Alun asked.

"I'm not stupid," J'ackt snapped. "I have to be here or at a Weyr. Zith
needs it."

"It's true. Zith needs it. Dragons need their own kind the way we need
air." The mindhealer smiled a bit at that-- dragons needed their own,
but so did humans. Even if they didn't want to admit it. "Which means
that in order to care for your dragon, you're stuck at this Weyr until
you graduate, and as a condition of living at any Weyr you'll be
expected to fulfill a dragonman's duties. How you live your life
within that is up to you."

That was something he was hearing all the time. He was expected to
fulfill duties. Well, shaffit, he'd been trying to do well in lessons
and drills! He eyed Alun with a scoff. "No, it isn't. I do all my
lessons and my drills. I do my best. There haven't been complaints
about that. It's the after, the 'living my life' that isn't up to me."
His stride became predatory, less ragged as his temper grew; it was
the pace of a caged hunter.

Alun nodded. "A lot of restrictions have been placed on you compared to the
other weyrlings."

"You're just now picking up on that?"

"Just saying it out loud." Walking with the weyrling was going to give him a
workout. "Doesn't seem terribly fair, does it."

"Life's not fair." The words were curt. No, it wasn't fair. But he had
learned long ago not to complain about how unfair life seemed to be. "You
get used to it."

At least J'ackt knew that much, Alun thought. But even if he said the words,
the boy was still resentful. It came through in the way he moved, the way he
spoke, the way he eyed up the world as if it were an enemy. But it wouldn't
take a mindhealer to see that. "Would you prefer to get used to it, or to do
something about it?"

J'ackt replied almost without thinking. "Whatever keeps me living longer."
He stopped and then looked at Alun with wariness. "Why?"

**Interesting phrase.** Alun stopped too. "Because what you've been doing is
reacting, not acting. Lessons and drills are clear and easy to understand.
Do X, and Y happens. Sometimes the in-between parts aren't so clear. Many
riders find that, for a variety of reasons. And because you're reacting, you
get into trouble."

"I don't see what the difference is." J'ackt's brow furrowed. "Something
happens, you react to it. Simple."

"Simple out there," Alun nodded toward the distance, the Weyr's borders.
"The reaction skills you learned out there don't all transfer well to
Weyrlife. You developed them to keep you safe when you were Holdless, and a
good thing you did, too. But now, the situation has changed and the way
you've trained yourself to think and react doesn't serve you as well as it
once did."

"I haven't died yet." The reply was dry. "I'd say it's been serving me
alright."

"Which is very true! You're fed regularly and have a roof over your head
when it rains, and that's not nothing. Especially out there. But at the
Weyr... if that was everything, then you wouldn't mind the restrictions
you're under."

J'ackt stared at him. "You're right. I had freedom out there. Maybe the Hold
didn't want me around and they sharding well hunted me, but after my Da
died, I made my own choices, made my own decisions. Where I went, and when I
wanted and I fecking survived it. " J'ackt flung out his hand at the Weyr in
general. "I haven't been outside those fecking walls without fecking
supervision since I got here. That's why I have to see you, because I wanted
a bit of freedom without being watched all the time and Cyradis found out
about it." He turned his head and stared at the stone walls. "This may have
an open sky, but its nothing but a really fecking large cell." Turning back
to Alun, his eyes narrowed. "And you can tell who ever you report to that I
said it. I don't care. I'm done talking." He turned on his heel and began to
walk off, every muscle coiled and tense.

The mindhealer watched him go with a little smile on his face. That little
outburst had blown off a bit of steam, and the whole session had gone much
better than he'd anticipated. First sessions were always hard with a
resistant patient. J'ackt would go and stew, and with any luck, turn a
little of what Alun had said over in his mind. The next session would likely
go much the same. These sorts of things took time and patience.

After a moment, Alun put his hands into his pockets and went the other way,
whistling.

Last updated on the July 29th 2015

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J'ackt and the Mindhealer