Deal With it Tomorrow.

Writers: Devin, Mirren
Date Posted: 3rd January 2016

Characters: N'vanik, D'shiel
Description: They discuss D'shiel's loss.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 3, day 14 of Turn 8
Notes: Mentioned: Barenziah, D'hol, K'deren.

N'vanik

Ripples.

Everything in life had ripples. Something happened and it would lead
to something and then on to something else, sometimes good, sometimes
bad. Either way, it always led to something.

D'shiel watched the ripples across the surface of the lake, these
caused by a light breeze and a couple of weyrbrats tossing stones.

They should probably be at dinner.

He should probably be at dinner, not sitting by the lake with half a
wineskin. It had been full an hour ago.

"You okay?" N'vanik asked as he spotted the rider.

D'shiel turned his face toward the newcomer and squinted. "Yeah, just
wonderful, as always," he replied dryly.

N'vanik snorted. "Yeah, sounds like it." He knew that look. Plenty of
riders had reasons to drink during a Pass.

"Yeah, doesn't it just." D'shiel took a sip from his glass. "I'd offer
you some, but I only have one glass."

N'vanik waved a hand. "Don't worry about it." He sat next to the other
bronzerider. "Want to talk?"

D'shiel shrugged. "No one said being a rider during a pass would be
easy, did they?"

"No. And many of us never thought we'd be _in_ one." When N'vanik
Impressed, the return of Thread had been a hotly debated issue -- far
from a reality.

"Kinda wishing it stayed away," D'shiel remarked. "I think being an
otherwise out of work, bored dragonrider wouldn't be so bad."

N'vanik chuckled. "I thought I was in for the easy life when Loseth chose me."

"Yeah. Women. Ale. Wine. Women. Women. No one said it might be complicated."

"Thread. Thread. Death. Thread," N'vanik said with a wry smile.

"Thread. Death. Wine. It's a wonder we're not all drunkards. Or are
we?" D'shiel took another gulp.

"I think some of us might drink a little too much." N'vanik didn't
overindulge as much as he used to.

"Yeah, some." D'shiel snorted. "I guess we should enjoy it, we might
be dead next 'fall."

"Anything in particular weighing on your mind?" N'vanik thought
something must have set him off.

D'shiel sighed. He might as well talk about it. Telling Barenziah had
helped a little. "I'm tired of seeing good people die," he growled.
"People who rely on our judgement; and then when we're wrong…"

"It's hard, but we all have to find a way to live with it. Part of me
still blames myself for every death," N'vanik said. "And I wonder if
someone else could've done a better job, wouldn't have made that
mistake. But you know what? Most of us worry about that. We do the
best we can in the moment. That's all anyone can do."

"It's harder when it's someone you care about and they die because you
screwed up," D'shiel said bitterly. "It _was_my_ fault."

"Who did you lose?" N'vanik asked gently.

D'shiel pursed his lips. "Do you remember Tinna?" He would never forget her.

There were so many at the Weyr it was hard to keep track, but the name
was familiar. "Was she a greenrider?" N'vanik frowned in
concentration, something tickling the back of his mind. "Ah, she died
in Fall, didn't she?"

"Yes she was and yes she did. Just one of many I suppose," D'shiel
said bitterly. Not to him though, that much was blatantly obvious.

"I try to remember all of them but it gets harder every turn." Which
N'vanik didn't like at all. "So she was special to you?"

"Yes," D'shiel said simply. "It was new but it was intense." And then,
just like that, it was over.

"I'm sorry for your loss." There wasn't much else N'vanik could say.

"Yeah." That went both ways. D'shiel had talked about it to someone
other than Barenziah, now he didn't want to talk about it anymore. It
still hurt, it would for a long time, but he'd let it consume him for
long enough.

N'vanik shifted. "You seen a mindhealer about it?"

"No. I don't want to. I can deal with it." Because he'd been doing
_such_ a great job so far. Not.

N'vanik lifted an eyebrow, looking pointedly at the wine. "Uh huh. I see."

"Yep," D'shiel replied. "We all have our own ways of coping."

"Will wine today make you feel better tomorrow?" the Weyrleader asked.

"Probably not, but it'll get me through tonight."

"Then you're not really dealing with it. Drinking might be okay if
you're having a bad day, or a bad week. But pretty soon it becomes a
way to _not_ deal with your problems." N'vanik had a bit of experience
in that area.

D'shiel sighed. "I know, but can I worry about that tomorrow?" It
would come soon enough.

"I'd really like you to get help. Real help. I'm not saying this as
Weyrleader but as one man to another." Although he was going to ask
about D'shiel's performance the next time he talked to D'hol or
K'deren. "Wallowing in guilt and grief is no way to live."

"Fine, I'll see someone," D'shiel replied, seeing it probably wasn't
worth arguing about anyway. Besides, Padraith would suffer if he kept
going like this.

"Good." N'vanik would check to make sure he actually did.

Last updated on the January 12th 2016

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Deal With it Tomorrow.