Sorry, Not Sorry

Writers: Miriah, Yvonne
Date Posted: 15th February 2016

Characters: J'ackt, Alina
Description: Alina checks in with J'ackt to tell him about her black eye - before he finds out on his own
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 3, day 8 of Turn 8
Notes: Mentioned: Cyradis, N'vanik

J'ackt

Alina

After the Healers declared her healing - but still grounded - Alina
found herself at loose ends. With no drills there wasn't much to do,
and everyone was busy. Or nearly everyone... **Imarith, can you see if
Zith's free?** Now that the rest of the class had graduated, she
wasn't sure if J'ackt had to go to all the weyrling classes still or
not. And it was probably better to tell him the story of her black
eyes herself.

Imarith was enjoying her day off, and was currently sunning herself on
her ledge. }:Zith, where is yours? Mine wishes to find him.:{

}: Mine is in his weyr. :{ His rider had just finished bathing and his
attitude had been muted since the happenings with Panitath's and
Loseth's. Zith figured that he could use company that he enjoyed. }:He
is available.:{

Alina knocked on J'ackt's door after Imarith passed the message along.
"Hope I'm not interrupting anything?" she asked when he answered.

The last person J'ackt was expecting was Alina, but the sight that
greeted him immediately made the surprised look change as his brows
snapped down. His eyes locked on her black eyes and there was an
instant flare of anger. His fingers tightened on the door frame as he
studied her face, the knuckles whitening. "Who did that?" His voice
was dangerously flat as he ushered her in.

"Funny story," Alina said lightly as she found a seat - thankfully one
that kept her back to the lewd tapestry over J'ackt's bed. "I was on
sweeps when we had to land for a message flag. This poor kid got bit
by a tunnelsnake a few days back and wasn't doing well, so we took him
and his mother back to the Weyr. The mother rode with me, but she
totally panicked when we came out of /between/ and she elbowed me in
the face by accident." The greenrider grimaced. "And now I'm grounded.
And I look terrible."

The tension visibly drained from J'ackt's shoulders as she related her
story and he was able to smile. It wasn't as bad as he had immediately
assumed. He shook his head and managed a chuckle, closing the door.
"They grounded you over a black eye?" He'd had much worse than that
before and had had his share of black eyes in his past.

"My sinuses are swollen. Every time I try to go up on Imarith it feels
like I'm getting hit in the face all over again." She sighed. "The
Healers think I had a cold before I got hit, and that's why it's
taking so long for me to get back into the sky."

"Ah. I can understand that." He sat down and looked at her. There was
a difference in his posture, an over all lessening of the tension that
he usually carried about his shoulders, and also a hint of more
somberness in his eyes. It was as though he was less anxious to argue
or fight or something in him had been deflated. "There's an herb that
you can get from Vandor to help with that." He'd studied with the man
for a short time before he'd Impressed. "It's got a strong smell, but
it helps with colds."

She blinked, surprised. "Really?"

He nodded. "Yes. You can just ask him about it. I'm surprised that
they didn't offer it. You steam and inhale it." He paused and then
rose. "Actually, I might have some, I think. You want it?"

"Uh-- sure." Alina watched him rummage around in his drawers for a
moment. "Thank you. I didn't know you'd learned so much about
healing."

He shrugged while he looked. "While I was healing up, it was something
to do. Besides,I thought I'd end up out of the Weyr once my leg
healed. It was useful to know about herbs and stuff." He dug a little
deeper and found a small satchel. The minty smell was still strong as
he handed it to Alina. "Here. That might help. If you need more, just
ask Vandor." He sat back down, running a hand through his still damp
hair.

"I'm glad you decided to stay." Alina lifted the little bag to her
nose and inhaled; she could smell the herb, even through her swollen
nose. "How have you been lately? I haven't really seen you since
Jerinne..."

His brows twitched upwards at the first statement and he gave a slight
smile. "So am I. At least for Zith." He exhaled and grunted softly.
"Jerinne isn't an issue any more."

Alina glanced up. "Really? What happened?"

"The best thing that could have, really." His answer was soft. "She's
not pregnant any more."

"Oh." Sadness rolled over her and she gripped the bag a little
tighter. Poor Jerinne... and that poor little child. "I'm so sorry to
hear that. Are you all right?"

He shrugged. "I'm fine." He ran a hand through his hair again. "I
don't need kids, Alina." His voice was somber as he recalled his own
very recent rage at his father's grave. "I'm the last person who needs
to be a Da."

"Sometimes you don't get to choose," Alina said softly. "You just do
the best with what you get."

He looked up at her, his face flashing with quick expression of deep
pain before it disappeared into a set determination. His voice was
soft. "Yeah. Guess so. But I can try my best not to be one if I have
to." The fear of becoming a father had began to override his out of
control libido, especially after coming back from his former cave.

She nodded. "You wouldn't be alone. Most dragonriders don't seem to
have children... but I don't think it would be the worst thing."

He snorted softly and shook his head. "It would be for me."

Alina nearly asked why, but bit the question back at the last moment.
With what little J'ackt had said about his family and the recent issue
with Jerinne, it made sense that he'd feel the way he did. She sighed
and shifted in her seat. "Can I ask you something?"

He rolled his shoulders. "Sure." He looked over at her and his brow
quirked questioningly. She'd never bothered asking him if she could
ask a question before. Normally, she just asked. "What is it?"

"What would be the best thing? I mean, if that's too personal..."
Alina trailed off.

"If I never had kids." He was blunt, then sighed. "Look, no kid on
Pern needs me as a Da, Alina. I wouldn't do that to a kid. " He looked
down at his hands. "I don't want to hurt a kid like that."

She studied him for a moment. "Like what?"

He fell silent and just stared at his hands for a long time. It wasn't
as though he ignored her question, but it was difficult to answer.
He'd not talked about his father much, not to anyone except Cyradis
and N'vanik. "I don't want to be like my Da, Alina. I would be. I
don't know how else to be." His voice dropped. "He killed my mam. Baby
sister too. Knocked me around." He shrugged his shoulders, but it was
clear it wasn't simply a matter that he could shrug off. "Said he was
making me tough. Guess it worked."

A life like that, knocked around in the woods by the only person
J'ackt ever saw or spoke to... it sounded horrible. Impulsively she
reached out and put her hand on his. "You're not him."

"But I could be." His voice was soft and for a moment, his deep voice
cracked. "I'd lose my temper and I'd end up hurting any kid of mine
without thinking about it. I can't do that." His fingers gripped hers,
winding against them without thought. 'Sides, birthing...it's
dangerous. I wouldn't want someone dying cause I wasn't careful."

"I know you wouldn't hurt a kid. Even if you don't know it." The
greenrider shook her head. "As for giving birth.. women do it all the
time. It's no more dangerous than-- working a thresher, or any of the
other work that men do." She hesitated, biting her lip. "It's not so
bad as dragonriding."

"I've never done that sort of work." He reminded her. His thumb
stroked mindlessly over hers as he thought, then looked over at her.
"No matter what Wing I'm in, I'll be looking out for you, Alina." He
would take a hit of Thread before he'd let her do it.

She smiled and glanced away, touched. "I know." And the strange thing
was-- she did. J'ackt's promise resonated from the top of her head to
the tips of her toes.

He didn't say much more than that, just held her hand and nodded, glad
that she realized that he meant it. He lifted her hand to lightly kiss
it and then let it rest between them.

The silence stretched. Alina grew uncomfortable, mostly because it
felt... she didn't know what she felt. Gently she disentangled her
hand from J'ackt's, her knuckles still sensitive to where his lips had
brushed her skin. "I should go. Imarith wants oiling, and I have to
redo some of the buckles on my straps... Thanks for the herbs."

He nodded. "No problem. I'll see you later then." He watched her then
paused. "Alina, before you go..."

She paused by the door, one hand on the frame as she looked back.

He rose to approach her and ran a hand through his hair as he looked
down at her. He just looked for a moment, then an expression of
determination set on his face. "I know I said I wouldn't but, shards,
guess I'm still a liar." He quickly cupped her face and bent, pressing
his mouth to hers. It wasn't the overtly heated and sensual kiss that
he might give someone he wanted to seduce, but that heat glimmered
just under the surface. He pulled away, but kept his hands cupping her
face for a moment, just to look at her. "I won't say I'm sorry for
that, so don't ask me to." He dropped his hands and stepped back.

She stared at him, her blood fizzing and her lips parted, tingling. If
Alina had been able to find her voice, she wouldn't have trusted it to
say the right things. The responsible things. Instead she put a hand
to her lips, then quickly darted out the door in case he kissed her
again.

But Faranth, all she could think about was what would happen if she stayed.

Last updated on the February 21st 2016

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Sorry, Not Sorry