The Green-Eyed Monster, Her Fatal Flaw

Writers: Avery
Date Posted: 8th November 2017

Characters: Kapera
Description: Kapera does a bit of jealous brooding.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 2, day 14 of Turn 9

Kapera

Kapera's fatal flaw had always been jealousy.

It seemed that she could never stop comparing herself to someone else.
If someone else had something that she found that she wanted, she was
envious of whatever it was, and often found herself unsettled every time
she was reminded of it.

For example, right now, she was bitterly jealous of Panitath's laying of
a gold egg.

Oh, she didn't resent the egg itself for existing. It was unquestionably
a good thing for Dolphin Cove to have another breeding dragon. Four was
a good number for a Weyr, it meant enough clutches that the Sands might
actually get to accommodate more than a single clutch at a time, which
was good for restocking wings when they were depleted.

No, Kapera's problem with the gold egg was that it was
Panitath's egg and not _Riyanth's_.

Some of that emotion came from Riyanth, who had never thrown a gold
egg of her own. Riyanth looked at the gold egg on the sands and was
jealous that it wasn't of her own laying. Laying a gold egg was the peak
achievement of a clutch, and Riyanth wanted that for herself.

But some of the bitterness was from Kapera herself, and she knew that.
The idea that Riyanth hadn't laid one yet had always eaten at Kapera.
For Faranth's sake, Kapera knew that _Onnyth_ had thrown a golden egg at
Dragonsfall, and she was half of Riyanth's Turns. Riyanth was of a
mature age, in solid health, and being consistently flown by bronzes of
a prime age. There was no reason she shouldn't have laid a gold egg already!

And yet, it had never happened...

Even after Panitath's egg hatched and Riyanth might forget about it for
a time, Kapera knew she personally would never be content with her
clutches until Riyanth finally laid a daughter of her own.

That was another thing she knew was true. Nothing was ever enough for
Kapera. She always had to have more than she currently had.

The aching need for more had shaped so much of what she'd done in her
life. She'd wanted to be more than a breeding wife to a minor cotholder,
so she'd run away from her home Hold. She'd wanted to be more than a
Weyr drudge, so she'd Stood at a Hatching in hopes of Impressing a
dragon. When the gold egg had been laid on Windswept Islands' sands,
she'd found an unbearable _need _ to Impress a queen and become the
special person she knew she was – and she'd been rewarded with Riyanth.

That need to have more, more, more was why she'd jumped at the chance to
transfer to Dragonsfall Weyr to take on the Second spot. Why be one of
four at Windswept Islands when she could be one of two mature golds at
Dragonsfall? It had fueled her envy of Corvera for having the
designation of Weyrwoman.

And then when Riyanth had risen first, making her the Weyrwoman, Kapera
had thought that her jealousy would finally abate. She had achieved the
peak that a goldrider could achieve. There was nothing more she could
do. Surely now she'd be content with her life and where she was.

Of course, that hadn't gone as well as she'd hoped. She'd found that she
wasn't as prepared for the position as she thought, and she had spent
her time in the position trying to enjoy all of the perks while
struggling to manage her new authority and workload.

And then she'd gotten ill with an infection, one that had made her
bedridden and caused her to cough endlessly. The Healers had recommended
she go somewhere warm in order to recover from it, suspecting she had a
sensitivity to cold that the infection had taken and made critical. Of
course, going somewhere warm meant giving up the Weyrwoman's position
for another gold to take...but what kind of Weyrwoman had she been,
lying in the Infirmary for a month?

She'd made the decision of health at the cost of power. And it was true,
going somewhere warm had helped get rid of the cough. And yet she'd
always wondered if it had been the right decision. If she could have
recovered and held on to her role, not had to give up the achievement
she'd seized unexpectedly and early. And ever since she'd done that, she
had been stagnating in her life ever since.

Kapera frequently had to stop, and to make a conscious effort to
remember to remind herself that being the Weyrwoman's Second was not
such a bad job. Cyradis was certainly the best Weyrwoman she had ever
served under. She had learned a lot about management style and
responsibility from the older woman.

She knew for a fact that she was doing a better job as a goldrider now
that she had done at Dragonsfall. She _should_ be content with where she
was.

But as she already knew, she was never content with what she had. She
always needed more. And so the question that consumed her lately had
been: was she doing well enough to ever be Weyrwoman again?

Because she wanted to be one again. Badly.

It was really opportunity that would give her the chance to be one
again. The senior pair needed to retire, whether that was because her
gold grew too old to Rise anymore, or if an injury or illness caused the
pair to step down. That was just how it worked. Wait for a senior pair
to step down, then the next gold to rise at that Weyr would become
Weyrwoman.

Sometimes you inherited the Weyr you were at because your dragon was the
first to Rise there and it was relatively uncontested. Other times it
would become apparently that a new senior pair would be chosen. And then
ambitious juniors would all try to transfer in, hoping their gold would
be first. And that required that your Weyrwoman would trust that you
could potentially reach her level, and that she'd give you permission to
leave to the new Weyr on the hope of a chance.

Say a different Weyr had a senior step down tomorrow. Would Cyradis
think highly enough of Kapera to allow her to transfer there on the
hopes Riyanth would go up first? Or would she think that she still had
not learned enough, become mature enough, developed enough skills, to be
worthy of the chance?

She wanted to hope that Cyradis thought that highly of her, but she
didn't know for sure. Sometimes she thought Cyradis looked at her as a
flighty child, an irresponsible junior in need of coddling and
seasoning. The rift that had developed between them personally ever
since the incident with D'hol made her paranoid about that.

And even if Cyradis said yes, what of her health? _Could_ she transfer
to a new Weyr to try to claim it as her own? It might depend on what
Weyr it was. Because she knew that her sickness at Dragonsfall cast a
shadow across her history and her chances.

It came down to cause of her sickness. If she had some underlying health
issue that made her not suited to live somewhere cold. If so, that would
mean she could never again transfer to Weyrs that got cold like
Dragonsfall or Rising Moons. But it was also possible she'd just had a
very bad infection. That it alone had led to temporary lung problems. It
had been Turns and the infection was well-cleared by now, and it was
possible it would never recur.

Three variables stood in her way of achieving a senior spot again. No
matter how much she fretted about it, she couldn't influence the
availability of a senior slot at another Weyr. She couldn't change her
own health problems in the past, only determine the likelihood of
recurrance. But she could make sure that Cyradis' impression of her was
sterling, so that when a spot did open, her Weyrwoman would allow her to
transfer.

Kapera sighed and moved from the couch to her bed. And if she wanted to
keep impressing Cyradis, she had better stop brooding over past
problems, go to sleep, and be ready to lead the wing in Fall the next
morning.

Last updated on the December 10th 2017

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The Green-Eyed Monster, Her Fatal Flaw