Talk to Me

Writers: Miriah, Yvonne
Date Posted: 28th December 2017

Characters: Alina, J'ackt
Description: Alina asks J'ackt why he's been avoiding her.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 1, day 16 of Turn 9
Notes: Mentioned: Saidrene, L'pin, K'yne
Notes: Follows "The Rumor Mill"

Alina

J'ackt

Alina left the Dining Cavern with the intent to go back to her weyr. J'ackt liked his privacy. If he had something to say to her, he'd seek her out. _He_ was the one avoiding her and _he_ could crawl back into her life if he wanted to. But that curl of jealousy and hurt that had grown in his absence had been fanned by the conversation over dinner, and her feet ended up taking her toward his weyr anyway. She stopped in the hall. He was probably with Saidrene again. Maybe they _were_ actually cousins... **What a ridiculous rumor.** Alina toyed with the end of her braid. **But maybe it's better to know.**

And maybe his absence wasn't a big deal at all. Everyone kept telling her that this was the _Weyr_ and that her feelings were wrong. She was the one who came from a Hold. She was the one who was wrong. Again.

No. J'ackt was avoiding her, and she deserved to know why. If he regretted asking to court her, then he should just say so and put her out of her misery. It was polite to have Imarith call ahead to Zith to see if J'ackt was up to receiving company, but Alina didn't feel like being polite. She marched up to his door and knocked. Bully for him if he had company.

The door was answered shortly; J'ackt opened it and blinked at Alina in surprise. His face revealed exhaustion, but not the sweat stained tiredness that was achieved after one of his runs or time with his burlap sack. The dark circles under his eyes spoke of more physical and emotional fatigue and his tan had paled somewhat. "Alina. I..." His half smile didn't reach his eyes. "Hey. Come on in." He stepped back to allow her entrance.

His weyr, normally very spartan and clean, was in disrepair. In one of his angry spurts, he had busted a wooden chair against the wall; it still had not been cleaned up, nor had his floor or counters been wiped. What few items he'd had on his shelves were now covered in a fine mist of dust, as though he hadn't even thought about them for a few weeks. He didn't even look at them as he waited.

The mess gave Alina pause. Her earlier feelings began to waver as she turned to face him. He looked terrible, and worse - subdued. And he didn't look happy to see her, which hurt too. "You've been avoiding me for sevendays. What's going on?"

He blinked and then his brow furrowed in confusion. "I haven't been avoiding you." He ran a hand through his hair and then rubbed his eyes. "I've just been busy. Things have been going on and..." He exhaled. "I've just been busy. It's...complicated." He finally really looked at her face and grimaced. "Sorry. I wasn't even thinking about anything else."

**Clearly.** Being 'busy' wasn't a good enough reason to have dropped her like a hot stone. Alina frowned. "What kind of things?"

He sat, his elbows on his knees as he stared at the floor of the weyr. His hand rubbed his brow, then the back of his neck. He hadn't wanted to bring her into this. Perhaps he had been avoiding her just for that reason, but apparently, it had a consequence he hadn't considered. He finally lifted his head to look at her. "Uhm...L'pin found out something about my Mam and my Da. It's uh...been hard to uhm...deal with for the past couple of sevendays. I've been so focused on it that...shards, Alina, I'm sorry. It's nothing against you, I promise."

Her blood ran cold. Maybe the rumors were true... She sat beside him and wished she was brave enough to take his hand. "What about your mother and father?"

He was silent for a long time, debating on whether or not to explain everything to her. What would she say and what would she think? He looked over at her, his jaw working from side to side, and then sighed, rubbing his face again. In slow words, he explained what L'pin had told him, about his mother being dragonless, about her past relationship with Saidrene's uncle and the crime the man he knew as his father had committed in response that resulted in the entire family being Holdless. Numbly, he spoke of his mother's death, something he had never spoken about to her or gone into detail about. Then, looking down at the weyr floor, he explained about the likelihood of K'yne being his father and the resulting realization about Saidrene.

Alina sat quietly through the torrent of words. Anger turned to empathy, then to self-recrimination. Learning that much about your family all at once, and so much of it was hard to stomach. His mother, a dragonless rider? And his father was probably Saidrene's uncle? It was sad and unfair. She reached out and took his hand in his. "I'm sorry." It seemed so inadequate.

His hand gripped hers own, fingers wrapping around hers. "It's nothing you did." He lifted his head to look at her. "Didn't know how to tell you about any of it and..." He shrugged a bit. "...haven't really told you a lot about my life. Guess I really didn't want you to know how completed shafted my life has been."

"J'ackt... you can tell me things, you know." Alina reached out, a bit tentatively, to smooth a bit of his hair back behind his ear. "I know I'm a Holder, but that doesn't mean that I'm not-- not capable."

His head tilted against her hand and he sighed. "I know you're capable, Alina. But there's some things that...that I really don't know how to tell you." He turned to look at her, his blue eyes meeting her own. "I don't trust people easy. And I want you to think I'm not all of what people think I am. I want you to trust me and I don't want you to be afraid of me, but...I've done things that I'm not proud of. Things that I can't tell you."

Alina tried to suppress a frown. "You ignored me for sevendays. Nothing. Not even a-- a, 'hey, I've got some heavy news I need to deal with,' or anything. That's not-- how do you think that makes me feel?!"

"Like whershit and like you don't matter." He replied, taking a deep breath. "But you _do_ matter. I just don't know how to tell you that." He admitted. "And I'm sorry. I really am...just..." He rubbed his face and decided just to be honest. "Look, I didn't know how you'd take it. It's taken you this long to be a little comfortable sitting next to me after you knew I was Holdless. Now I'm a bastard too." He looked down at his hand holding hers and frowned. "Thought you'd maybe toss me aside completely for someone better."

The greenrider gave up trying not to scowl. "You're an idiot, you know that, J'ackt!? A big fat idiot!"

He looked up at her and took in her expression before he met her scowl with a frown. "Why?"

"_You're_ the one acting like you want to set me aside! I'm not-- I'm not good enough, but you talk to Saidrene!" She hadn't meant to let that one slip, but there it was, in public, like the ugly little jealous feeling it was.She tried to brush past it. "It's _awful_ being ignored like that. You're right that you made me feel like-- whershit. I don't like being ignored. And you did your best to make me feel like you'd tossed me aside."

"It involves Saidrene! And she's my best friend, Alina. She's knows me and she..." He exhaled, frustrated. "She's not afraid of me!" He rose, running his hand through his hair. "You are. " He then turned back to her. "I'd never hurt you or raise a hand to you, but you're still afraid of me! Every time I've touched you, you run or get nervous or..." He threw up his hands, getting even more frustrated. "What else am I supposed to think? Faranth, I've been sleeping alone for months just so I can prove that I want you like you want me to. What else am I supposed to do?"

"You--" Alina stood too, her hands curling into fists at her sides. "_You're_ the one that's scared. You won't even talk to me when something important happens. You completely shut me out-- you _hid_."

"It's not all about you!" J'ackt snapped back. "Maybe I didn't come talk to you, but did you try to come to me? Did you bother to come and check before you got pissed off about me not coming to you? No!" His eyes narrowed as he took a step forward, mere inches from her. "Did you even care?"

"I thought you wanted your space or-- or--" **Got tired of me.** The greenrider glared at him. "You like being alone so I was trying to respect that. But stupid me, I _do_ care. I want you--" She looked down at her feet, suddenly feeling exposed. "I'd hoped I was someone you'd trust when... if important things happen, but you didn't. Instead I get gossip in the Dining Cavern."

He watched her and his growing anger eased at the vulnerability in her voice. He tried to remind himself that this wasn't her fault, not really. He hadn't realized the gossip had gotten that far and he hadn't realized that she _wanted_ to know more about him or that she was willing to listen. He tucked a finger under her chin and lifted it gently to try to get her to look at him. "I didn't know that. I'm sorry."

She tried her best to avoid meeting his eyes. "I've known you for... what, a Turn and a half? Nearly two? And I feel like I don't know you at all."

"You know the me that's here." He struggled to find a way to explain. "What I told you...only a few people know. I mean, really know." He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated as he tried to put his thoughts into words. "And when I talk about it, I get fecking angry and I don't want you to see that. I don't want...I don't want to scare you, do you understand?"

She shook her head. "I don't think you're some sort of monster."

"Then...I'll try. That's the best I can promise. I'll try to talk."

It seemed pretty weak. An apology and a promise didn't make the hurt she felt go away. **I should walk away.** It would be the easy way out, but even as the idea flitted through her mind Alina felt her jaw clench stubbornly. Foolish her, she didn't want to give up on J'ackt. He wasn't a suitable man for her at all, and yet giving up would cause more heartache than trying to build something between them currently was. She sighed and rubbed her forehead with her hand, torn and feeling lonely. "So what are you going to do? About your.. about K'yne?"

J'ackt took her hand away from her forehead and held it, winding his fingers with hers. His expression flitted from angry, to frustrated, and then held more than a little pain before he spoke. "I don't know." It was an honest answer. "I want to hate him. Some of me does. If he had cared about my Mam...he could have looked for her. Or asked, or.." His voice trailed off. "I could have been normal if he had. Of if my aunt had. Maybe my Mam would still be alive." He shrugged, but didn't
let go of her hand, wanting the little bit of comfort it gave. "I want to hate them both."

Alina was silent for a moment. "Just because they're your blood, it doesn't mean you have to somehow like them. Blood doesn't mean anything, really. My Da's got a brother he never speaks to. You don't owe either of them anything."

He considered that and then looked at her for a long moment. "Then what would you do?"

"Oh gosh, I don't know. Whatever you feel is the right path for you, I guess." She gave his fingers a squeeze. "But for whatever it's worth, I'd be angry too."

He nodded and gave a half smile, then changed the subject. "Have dinner with me tomorrow? Or take a walk with me?"

She paused, still angry at being left out, but if she didn't do her best to swallow her pride then she might never get another invitation again. "All right."

He lifted her hand and kissed the finger tips that were held in his own. "And I am sorry."

Maybe he was. Her hurt feelings softened a little. "All right."

Last updated on the January 1st 2018

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