Making Up for Mistakes

Writers: Avery, Miriah
Date Posted: 30th March 2019

Characters: D'hol, Kapera
Description: Kapera drops by D'hol's office, and the conversation is serious and revelatory.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 9, day 22 of Turn 9
Notes: Mentioned: Cyradis, Jeyme, N'vanik, J'nus, Dessa

D'hol

Kapera

D'hol looked up at the knock and his brows rose. "Kapera." He stood up
from his desk, waving her in. She'd not spoken to him outside of wing
meetings for quite a while and it was a surprise to see her at his
office door. "Come in. What can I help you with?"

She held a small bag of treats in one hand. "I wanted to stop in and
see how you're doing," she said, "And invite you for dinner if you'd
like."

His sweet tooth, not often indulged, was thrilled at the offering.
D'hol's waved her in. "This is a surprise." He moved around his desk
and sat on the corner, waving her in, but eyed the small bag. "What
kind of treats?" He then paused and tilted his head. "And dinner?" He
mused for a long moment and leaned back, his lips lifting slightly,
but his gaze questioning. "Hmm...What brought this on?"

"If I say it's chastisement for overwork, will you believe me?" she
asked, taking a seat. "They're cookies."

"Not for a moment. " He peered at the bag, definitely interested in
the contents. "It's rather sudden, not that I'm going to say no."

She handed it over, not quite ready to admit the source till she saw
what his reaction was. "Well, overwork is related to the cookies. Work
too long, spend too many candlemarks on your job, realize you haven't
taken any personal time to yourself in a bit... Suddenly, you realize
you need cookies."

"Oh, is that it?" He took the bag, opened it, then with a pleased
expression, took one out. He took a bite, paused, then calmly tucked
the bag of cookies behind him and away from her grasp. "Thank you."

She laughed when she saw where he put the bag. "So are you really
putting all your candlemarks here at the office, or do you ever escape
for fun?"

He took another bite, chewing while he considered her question. He
shook his head. "I'm not here all the time, no. And I enjoy my time
with my children." Though the eldest, not as much, he privately
admitted. "But I don't have much more time beyond that. I try to keep
busy." His private time was purposefully extremely limited. Excepting
his recent evening with Timassa and the occasional green flight, he
didn't allow himself much off time. He thought too much.

"Sounds busy indeed. I get that," Kapera said. She'd been putting
extra candlemarks into her duties as well, driven by the vague
dissatisfaction she was feeling with her life. With her relationship
with J'nus on the outs again, with training Dessa, with all of the
ways life around Dolphin Cove had been a bit busier in the last Turn
sicne River Bluff, she'd found herself with less free time again.

"With Jeyme back, do you have more time with your son?"

The last person he'd expected her to bring up was Jeyme. The cookie
about to be brought to his mouth stopped and lowered. "Yes,
thankfully. More than half a candlemark a week, at least. She's been
letting me see him regularly. Have you spoken to her since she got
back?"

"A couple times here and there if it's about wing business, but that's it."

"Hm." The grunt was noncommittal. That situation couldn't be helped.
It was probably best that they were in separate wings as well. He
finished his cookie. "I never asked if you and Cyradis had improved
either."

Kapera made a bit of a face. "She wanted an apology and an admission I
did wrong, so I gave her one and then buckled down and worked harder
and it got her off my back about things. Now it's back to normal."

"Good." He'd had his own issues with Cyradis and N'vanik after all was
said and done. Cyradis had calmed, but he doubted N'vanik and he would
ever see eye to eye on much of anything, at least privately. "That's
over with, I suppose." He gave a slight smile. "Now, if Yumath flies
Riyanth next time she rises neither of us will have to worry about
potential entanglements. "

She couldn't even muster up irritation at his idea tha she didn't have
any - because, well, he was right. Wasn't she, too, overworking
because she was lonely? Because she was trying to prove herself
competent and worthy, even if she had to sacrifice her comforts to do
so?

Riyanth had last risen the last Turn, _before_ Panitath, yet she showed no
signs of going up again. It unsettled her rider, who remembered that
the gold's cycle had become more irregular. She was too young to slow
her rising, unless something was wrong with her. With them. "If she
rises soon," she said aloud.

The lack of response was telling. Kapera was too quiet and obviously
troubled. D'hol paused, thought, then gave a soft "ah" of
understanding. "She'll rise, Kapera." He frowned. "Perhaps you're
both working to hard."

She looked down at his desk so she didn't have to meet his eyes, since
her own emerald ones would give too much away. "Maybe it's just that,"
she said. "I need to prove myself, though."

His brows furrowed with a deep frown and he peered at her intently. "
What in the blazes are you talking about? Prove yourself to who?"

"To Cyradis. To show her that I'm not an irresponsible child who
doesn't deserve her dragon or her position!" she snapped out, then
froze. She hadn't meant to tell him that, but the words were blurted
out her mouth anyway. Silence lingered for a moment.

"Sometimes I'm not sure she actually trusts me as her Second. I work
extra candlemarks to train Dessa and manage moods within the Wing and
keep an eye on the Records and sometimes I think I know what I'm
doing. And then she'll say something that gives me the impression I've
messed everything up, and it feels like any progress I've made is just
erased like that," she said bitterly, snapping her fingers. "Because
I'm young, and I make mistakes, and I've already gone and screwed up
at Dragonsfall, and now everyone is waiting for me to screw up
_here_."

It wasn't that Cyradis had ever used those words to her face, but
Kapera just had a feeling about it. When they'd argued over the
incident with D'hol and Jeyme, Cyradis had accused Kapera of being
short-sighted and thoughtless, a selfish youth. That had really upset
the younger goldrider, and had colored the way she'd been looking at
their relationship over the past few months, even as she'd tried to
put a positive spin on it when talking to others.

D'hol sat, staring at Kapera for a long moment. He spoke slowly and
evenly. "Kapera, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say.
I know Cyradis very well. If Cyradis didn't trust you, or think you
didnt deserve your position, you shouldnt have it. She would have kept
Lanniya here and transferred you out." His lips thinned and he moved
to sit beside her in the opposite chair. "Your impressions of what she
is saying is just that. Impressions. If she thought you 'messed
anything up' she would say it outright. Believe me, I know. I've
personally experienced it more times than I can count."

He met her eyes directly. " You are not stupid. Young, yes, but far

from a youth. I have no idea about the selfishness because I've not
seen it. Mistakes?" He snorted. "You'll always make them. Everyone
does. The only problem is when you repeat them over and over again."
He gestured to himself. "Case in point right here." He tapped her arm.
"But maybe you need to stop thinking about how horrible you believe
you are and how much you think you mess up or have in the past, and
try something else for a change."

She looked taken aback. Not upset. Just surprised. "You think I'm
doing all right, then? Sometimes I can't tell. And I have tried
something different. In the overworking, I mean. As opposed to just
partying."

"If I didn't think so, I'd tell you, Kapera." The response was prompt.
"Did you ever think that trying so hard to be someone you aren't is
the reason Riyanth might be off her mating schedule? There's no harm
in working hard, but shards, even I know there are limits. Our
dragons know if we aren't happy. Or healthy. Ask her. See if she
thinks you're ready for her to have a clutch."

"I'm trying to be someone competent, who deserves to actually be a
Weyrwoman one day. If that's trying to be someone I'm not, then that
doesn't bode well for my future," she said.

D'hol's voice was dry. "You _are_competent already. Pull your head out
of your shapely bottom and listen. It's not a matter of deserving,
Kapera. I've met Senior Weyrwomen who are ignorant, lazy, and got
their position just because their gold rose before someone else's. I
think, " he mused, "you're trying too hard to makeup for mistakes of
youth. "

"I _was_ one of those women. I got the Senior job, once, just because
Riyanth rose first, and I wasn't ready then. I know I'm trying to make
up for those mistakes," she said, and her tone was resigned, this
time, not as bitter as it could have been.

She did manage a laugh. "Thanks for the compliment about my bottom."

"Difference is, you realize it now. That's the important thing. "
D'hol's lips quirked upwards. "You do have a shapely bottom, Kapera. I
remember it. What we did..." He took a breath. "That one's on me,
Kapera, not you. "

That was how she'd defended herself against Cyradis' accusations about
her behavior. She remembered throwing at the older goldrider, 'why is
it My job to determine if him acting outside the bounds of His
relationship?' - and she still thought that was the truth, that it was
only her job to be responsible for her own actions and let him decide
his.

"It had unintended consequences, but that's life." She shrugged. "I'm
sorry that it affected yours much more than mine, with your son and
all."

"Don't be. It was my choice. " He frowned and rose, then winced, the
movement suddenly painful. He exhaled and straightened. "It took me a
while to really realize it, but Jeyme and I...it was a mistake. She
was too young and I'm not weyrmate material. " But he had loved her
then, as best as he knew how. "I don't agree with what Cyradis did
with you. You're a good goldrider, Kapera. Don't let anyone tell you
differently."

She couldn't find it in her to make a flippant response to that, so
she went with, "At least you know what you need, now. Thank you."

His smile was brief. "You're welcome. So, am I still invited for dinner?"

"Absolutely, you are."

Last updated on the April 4th 2019

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Making Up for Mistakes