The Limits of Love

Writers: Aaron, Heather
Date Posted: 8th October 2019

Characters: Ayressa, T'ner
Description: T'ner attempts a bit of open communication with Ayressa.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 13, day 1 of Turn 9

}:Whatever happens,:{ said Lehystrath as T'ner's heart pounded in his chest, }:you will have done all you can. And you will still have me.:{

T'ner was not confident that would be enough. But he and Ayressa could not go on forever pretending this was not bothering her. It had taken him some time to get far enough ahead of his studies that he could spare some time when Resser would be asleep, but he had managed it.

"Good evening, beautiful," he said with a smile. She was beautiful, after all, and it felt good to say so.

Ayressa was at the table in the small weyr she and her son lived in, a long piece of fabric in her lap, a needle and thread between her fingers. "T'ner," she looked up from the practice stitches she had been working on. "What are you doing here?"

T'ner's smile faltered a bit. Not so happy to see him, maybe?

"Well," he said. Might as well get to the point. "I wanted to talk to you. And I made the time to make it happen. May I sit down?"

The place felt oddly like home and like a place where he needed to ask permission to sit all at once.

Her lips quirked. "It's your weyr too," she reminded him as she set aside her piece of sewing and pulled the thimbles from her thumbs. "I'm surprised to see you," she admitted, since it was rare that they were able to sneak in a moment in the evenings.

T'ner's smile fully returned, and he relaxed a bit – enough that he realized he had been much more tense than he thought. He took the seat across from Ayressa and reached out to take her hands.

"I've been worried, I guess," he said. "So I thought it was important that I find a way to come see you at home. I can't stay long," he added. He still had to be in bed by lights out.

"I'll start off by reminding you that I love you. Because I love you very much. It's felt like..."

T'ner took a deep breath.

"Since I Impressed, it's felt like something's been bothering you. And I couldn't figure out what it was. I think maybe you didn't want to bring it up because you didn't want to make me feel bad?" he guessed. "Or because you thought it would make things harder for me."

He shook his head.

"Sorry. I shouldn't try to speak for you. What I'm saying is, I think maybe I've learned what it is. Are you... I mean, does it bother you..." T'ner bit his lip. All of the ways he practiced how to ask this sounded wrong now.

"Are you concerned about the color of Lehystrath's hide?" He looked up and into her eyes with an almost pleading gaze.

Ayressa had wondered when they would have this conversation, although she had not realized how much T'ner had been thinking about it, or how obvious her discomfort had been. "I mean... I guess it was a surprise? I figured you would Impress a brown or bronze."

T'ner nodded. This was probably the best reaction he could have expected apart from, 'Oh, that doesn't bother me at all.' He swallowed and breathed deeply again.

"I figured I would, too," he said. "I didn't even realize, though – not at first – what it really meant that I didn't. One of my instructors had to spell it out for me. This is... something that's never really been on my mind. Something that I didn't know about myself. I've never felt that way about..." He sighed.

"I guess I'm just wondering...." Ayressa trailed off, unsure of how to phrase her question without offending her husband, er, weyrmate. "Does having a blue dragon mean you want to sleep with men, too?"

T'ner winced. Speaking of spelling it out...

"I only want to sleep with you. There's no one I have my eye on. There's nothing else I need. F'aen says that I have it in me to have wanted it. Or else Lehystrath wouldn't have chosen me. But I've made my promises to you, and I don't regret it."

Well, T'ner had never slept with a man, so how did he know that it was something that he wouldn't like _more_ than sleeping with her after he did it? Ayressa wondered. "Who is F'aen?" she asked.

"He's one of K'sedel's staffers," said T'ner. He debated with himself for a moment about how much to say, but he decided that the whole point of this was to tell Ayressa everything. To hold nothing back.

"I asked him about what I should expect if Lehystrath does catch a green with a man for a rider," he said. "And he sent me to ask another bluerider, T'kala. I have to admit, they weren't very helpful when it comes to the... mechanics of it. T'kala insists that the only way to learn is to practice ahead of time, but I told him I wasn't going to do that."

"Practice?" Ayressa said, cheeks flushing a little as the word came out half-strangled. The thought of T'ner with a man was so.. so... unnatural. She could just hear the derogatory things her father used to say about male greenriders and knew that T'ner would now be grouped into that category from her family's point of view.

T'ner blushed, shame washing hotly over him. This was not something he chose, not directly. And he had just said that he was not going to do it! He hated that the thought of it all was so unnerving to his wife that he could not even tell her he would not do this thing without her thinking of him doing this thing.

"They advise all Weyrlings to have gained some experience, some, ah... sexual experience before they might be in a situation where their dragon wins a mating flight," said T'ner. "But I know I can find someone who can just tell me what to expect without insisting I do any of it outside of what I can't control."

Ayressa thought of her own sexual experience, which was limited to T'ner, but she remembered her mother telling her how babies were made, and then her friends talking about the particulars of sex. None of that had prepared her for actually _doing_ the act. The thought of T'ner going into the situation blind was unsettling, but so was the alternative. "If.. If it's what they suggest... Shouldn't you do it? I mean... They know what's best, right?"

T'ner's mouth dropped open. His biggest reason for refusing was his assumption that Ayressa would never fail to hold him to his promise of no sex with anyone else, except in flights.

"I... Wha... Do you think I should do it?" There was no edge to the question. Just genuine surprise and curiosity.

She licked her lips. Would she be telling him to do this if it was a woman he needed to sleep with? She knew she would. "Yes, if they say you should. They know more about the whole dragonriding mating flight thing, don't they?"

T'ner took a moment to collect his thoughts. He never expected this outcome.

"I, uh... They do," he confirmed. And they had told him so. Now that he essentially had Ayressa's permission, he had to actually consider doing this thing, and T'ner was not sure how he felt about that himself. He quivered with nerves, but he took her hands again.

Ayressa's smile was faltering but she returned the squeeze of his hands as best she could. "This being a woman of the Weyr is harder than I thought it would be."

"You're doing an amazing job, love," said T'ner. His eyes scanned back and forth as he thought for a moment. "How about this. Let's see if we can set some rules out loud about how this is going to go. I want you to feel like you still have some control here, some say in our life together."

"So. Same as before, but with a little difference. Never with anyone but you except flights and weyrling training." It seemed unusual to consider that training, but it was for the sake of safety, after all.

"What limits can I put on the training bit that would make you feel better? Only one teacher? Only one, uh... one time?"

Ayressa shook her head. "I would just rather not know anything about your... your training. Not when it's happening, not who, just... Nothing."

T'ner nodded back. Well, that was easy enough. Just never mention it again. He could do that, no problem.

"OK. Then it's settled?" T'ner stood and kissed Ayressa's cheek. "I'd better get back before someone misses me. Give that sweet boy a hug for me, will you?"

"I will," Ayressa assured him as she stood. "And T'ner?" She looked up at him. "I love you."

T'ner smiled, feeling more relieved than he ever could have hoped for after having this conversation.

"I love you, too. Always."

*********

Last updated on the October 14th 2019

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The Limits of Love