Primary Emotions

Writers: Miriah
Date Posted: 16th November 2020

Characters: J'ackt, Bertin
Description: Bertin and J'ackt discuss anger.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 6, day 24 of Turn 10
Notes: Mentioned: N'vanik

J'ackt

"Do you know what anger is, J'ackt?" Bertin watched as J'ackt paced in
his office. It was clear that the young man was struggling, but the
point he was trying to make was important.

J'ackt never stopped pacing. "Yeah. It's something that I feel all the
fecking time."

"Besides that." Bertin smiled ruefully. "It's an emotion, obviously.
And it's something you struggle with. It's what we call a primary
emotion. There's four of them: fear, happiness, sadness, and anger.
They're primary because they're what pops up immediately when
something happens. But, they can also be very connected to each
other." He watched as J'ackt frowned, continuing to pace, but
appearing to listen. "Typically, after the primary emotion happens, a
secondary emotion occurs, like guilt, shame, jealousy, that sort of
thing."

"So?" J'ackt didn't quite understand what the Mindhealer was getting at.

"I'm getting to it. When a person who was raised like you were isn't
allowed to get past that primary emotion, to feel more or to
understand why they're feeling the way they do, they get stuck. Then
they get frustrated because they don't know how to process or talk
about or even think about why they feel the way they do. That
frustration begins to build until the person pops."

J'ackt frowned, stopping in his pacing. "Look, honestly, when I get
mad, there's not time to think about why I am. It just happens."

"Right, because you never learned how. It's a habit by now. You're so
used to it that to you, it's normal. You 'pop' very quickly from what
I understand."

"Hey."

"I didn't mean that way." Bertin chuckled. "You know what I meant.
The thing about anger, though, is it sometimes masks other primary
emotions that someone isn't prepared or able to confront. You feel
those other primary emotions, don't you?"

"Well, yeah. Obviously."

"Even fear?" Bertin watched him.

J'ackt looked confused, and then shrugged. "Well, yeah, I've felt
afraid. I fly Thread. It's not some easy thing to do. You get scared
sometimes."

"How often do you get angry at Thread?"

J'ackt snorted. "Well, all the time. I mean..." He paused and his eyes
narrowed. "What are you getting at?"

"When's the last time you got angry?" Bertin's smile never faltered.

J'ackt stared at him, suddenly finding the smile annoying. "This
morning, during drills."

"Why?"

"N'vanik decided to put me at leading a nine. I didn't want to." It
still rankled. He'd always hated leading a six or a nine and always
had.

"Why not?" Bertin tilted his head, noting the irritation growing on
J'ackt's face.

"Because I didn't."

"Why? I'm going somewhere with it. There's a reason why I'm asking."

J'ackt gritted his teeth. "I don't want to be responsible for them."

"Alright. What happens when you are responsible?"

J'ackt exhaled through his nose, and his jaw twitched. "If they get
hurt or mess up, or get killed, it's my responsibility. I'd be
responsible if that happened. It'd be all on me."

Bertin nodded. "And that would bother you."

"Well yeah, I'm not a complete ass." J'ackt snapped.

"So you're afraid that if you don't make the right decisions, someone
could get hurt."

"I'm not afraid." There was an immediate objection.

Bertin raised his brows. "J'ackt, there's no shame in fear. Fear is a
healthy emotion. It's there for a reason to warn you and to keep you
alert. Fear is necessary but if you let it control you to such a
degree that it's all you react to, it can take over your life. You
told me about Jenasom." He saw J'ackt stiffen in response. "What did
he tell you about fear?"

J'ackt became immediately reserved and he visibly bit down hard on
the inside of his cheek. It took a moment for him to respond. "He told
me that fear was for the weak. That real men never admitted to it."

"Hmm...you believe that?" When J'ackt didn't answer, it told Bertin
enough. "You don't want to feel fear. You don't want to feel weak, so
you get angry instead. Jenasom approved of anger, didn't he?"

J'ackt swallowed hard and spoke hoarsely. "He was always telling me
when we were sparring, 'get angry, boy. Get angry. Stop dodging and
fight back. Get angry.' If I showed that I was afraid, I got beat.
Said he wasn't going to let me be some whimpering woman." J'ackt
finally sat down and rubbed his head, speaking softly. "So I got
angry."

"And then you were safe. Jenasom replaced your fear, a primary
emotion, with the other primary emotion, anger. It served you, for a
while. To survive." Bertin's voice was calm. "Instead of accepting or
acknowledging that you're afraid, you get angry instead because that's
what you _had_ to do. But it's not what you have to do now."

J'ackt looked down. "I don't know how not to be."

"I know. But the first step, J'ackt, is accepting that it's alright to
be afraid. That even if you admit you're afraid, you won't get beaten
down for it. You've been through so much." Bertin leaned forward,
speaking softly and calmly. "and your fear and your anger as
controlled nearly every aspect of your life so far, for the past
twenty turns. It's hurt you and hurt others. Do you want the next
twenty turns to be the same?"

J'ackt swallowed and shook his head. "No." He felt a stinging in his
eyes and quickly rubbed them, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Then you're going to have to tell yourself that it's okay to be
afraid. You're going to have to keep telling yourself that. The next
time you get angry I want you to try to stop and think, just for a
moment, 'is this because I'm afraid of something?' If you can do that,
just stop for an instant and think before popping off, you might find
that your anger isn't as bad or that maybe there might be something
else you can do rather than be angry. Can you try that?"

J'ackt didn't look at him, digesting what the Mindhealer was saying.
"I...I can try that."

Last updated on the November 23rd 2020

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Primary Emotions