He's Loved

Writers: Estelle, Miriah
Date Posted: 27th November 2020

Characters: Lorican, Urlene
Description: Lorican visits Urlene and sees his son for the first time
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 7, day 27 of Turn 10
Notes: Mentioned: Y'gel, Briata, Lusilk

Urlene

The familiar heat and the taste of the sea air surrounded Lorican as
he thanked the rider and climbed down from the brown dragon's back.
Back at Dolphin Cove Weyr again, and he was as uncertain about what
he'd say as he had been the last time. His heart told him to tell the
truth, but he didn't know if that would only open old wounds. Wounds
he'd inflicted.

His heart beat faster as he approached the entrance to the infirmary.
Inside, it was quiet, the journeyman on duty chatting with a
dark-haired woman with greenrider's knots and an apprentice mopping
the floor. The faint scent of herbs and redwort in the air brought
back vivid memories, the times he'd spent here with his injuries. Her
smile, her presence... Lorican closed his eyes and waited until the
rider took her packet of herbs and left, then asked to speak with
Master Urlene.

"Make sure he takes a drink of this tea every morning and evening."
Urlene spoke to the elderly woman who walked anxiously beside her. "It
will help with his joints and reduce the swelling. And next time, you
tell B'yan that he needs to come in himself so that I can look at him.
And Y'gel needs to have a look at his Horbinath. He's no young
dragonling either."

The elderly woman nodded. "I've tried but he hates infirmaries ever
since he got retired from the wings. He still thinks he's young enough
to fly Thread."

"Well, tell your weyrmate that if I have to seek out him at your weyr
the next time, that the next tea I give him won't be so sweet."
Urlene's smile was amused but thin.

The woman beside her chuckled, her anxiety soothed. "I'll tell him. He
may curse at you some."

Urlene's brow lifted. "I'm sure I've heard worse." At the woman's
thanks, Urlene turned to head back to the infirmary, but was caught by
the on-duty journeyman. She paused, nodded perfunctorily and turned
back to face the entrance. Her eyes widened as she saw Lorican and for
an instant her face went pale. Then it hardened and cooled
considerably. Murmuring a 'thank you' to the journeyman, she
approached briskly, not revealing an ounce of expression on her face
beyond cool civility. "Journeyman, what a surprise to see you." Her
eyes flicked over him and then back up to his face. "You're not hurt
at least. What can I help you with today? I'm afraid I'm rather busy
right now, but if you need any patching up again, I can arrange one of
our Seniors to look after you."

Lorican felt his breath catch as he saw her, the thrill of her
presence that remained, despite everything. The contrast in her voice
with the warmth and lightness he remembered cut to his heart, but he
gathered his courage. "Thank you, WeyrHealer, but I'm not injured. I
was hoping to speak to you for a short time. To explain. I know you
have your duties. I can wait until after your shift."

"I need no explanation." The sharp reply was quick and Urlene had to
bite her tongue before she spoke her mind further. They were in the
infirmary and what she _wanted_ to say to him would cause a scene;
she'd had enough of being made a fool of and Faranth knew she had her
pride. But, the last time they'd spoken before she was to continue
her duties, it cost a rider her life due to her distraction; she
would not allow that to happen again. Her lips thinned and she took a
slow, steadying breath. "Very well. I was just going to reports for
the rest of the day anyway. " She turned to the Journeyman standing
near, who was watching them with avid interest. "Have Zielle see
anyone else that's not seriously sick or hurt. You take on what you
think she can't handle. Have her take an apprentice with her...Winet
needs his practice."

"You're leaving for the day?"

"It appears so." She shrugged off her overtunic and moved to a nearby
basin to wash her hands, dried them and strode with quick, precise
steps to Lorican. "Come with me." She directed him not to her former
quarters, but to her office. She opened the door, waited for him to
come in, then closed it firmly. As her hand flexed on the handle, she
stared coolly at him. "What are you doing here?"

All the words he'd prepared went out of Lorican's head now he was
suddenly alone with her and, for a moment, he couldn't speak.
"I...came to..." He swallowed, started again. "I've wronged you. I
didn't tell you something about myself that I should have, and the
result was that I caused you pain. I know it's very late for
apologies, but I hoped that perhaps, if I told the truth now, it would
help..."

Urlene moved around him to stand behind her desk to stare at him. Arms
folded over her chest and her expression didn't change for an instant.
He had caused her pain. "You made me feel like an utter fool. And
you're right, it's really too late for apologies. Whatever 'truth' you
might have won't change anything or what's been done. It won't help."
She sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Much of it is my own fault. I
opened myself up to you after barely knowing you, so you're not
entirely to blame. I should never have gotten my hopes up over a man I
barely knew. But I can't regret what happened. For those days I was
with you, I was happy." She paused, hugging herself now. "And you may
have given me something I thought I could never have. You may have
sired my son, Lorican."

He drew breath to speak, then stopped, a tiny, insidious thread of envy
worming its way into his mind. **May have?** Who else could it be? His
thoughts immediately turned to the tall bronzerider who'd been in the
infirmary when he'd come to speak with her, the Master Dragonhealer.
**No - she wouldn't.** He'd no proof, just a feeling. And perhaps it had
happened before they'd met. Their time together had been so short.

Whatever the truth, he knew he had no right to complain. The boy still
might be his son, and it didn't change anything.

"I heard. From a dragonrider." His voice cracked, and suddenly the words
spilled out, unstoppable. "I'm sorry. Sorry that I wasn't there with
you, by your side, to help you. If I could have, if it had been safe...
It's too late now, but I'll do anything you need, to support him. You
only have to ask."

She looked at him quietly for a long moment, studying his face as he
spoke. **Safe? What would be unsafe about him finding another woman to
marry so quickly?** Her lips tightened and she looked away. It would
be so easy to tell him that Lorgelen wasn't his, but the child held
nothing of Y'gel in his looks. Part of her longed to hurt him as badly
as she'd been hurt, to let him feel the lash of pain she had. But
she'd never been the kind of woman to purposefully cause pain; she'd
always been a woman who healed others. To cause pain to another was an
anathema to who she was.

"The Weyr will provide for all of his needs." She spoke quietly, then
sighed, rubbing her forehead, suddenly tired. "I was with Y'gel a
sevenday before you, Lorican. Y'gel has accepted Lorgelen as his son
and he loves him very much. Y'gel and his weyrmate Briata have been
very kind and have opened their weyr to me until Lorgelen is older. I
am too busy with my duties to care for him on my own. But," She looked
at him then, "I believe he's yours. He has your look. I don't say this
to cause problems between you and your wife. Nor will I ask for you to
divide your time or strain the family you've chosen. I release you
from any responsibility."

Lorican took in her words, torn between relief that she'd had friends to
help her when he couldn't, and intense regret that it hadn't been him.
He wondered for a moment what Lusilk would have thought, since he'd
never told her, and knew immediately that she would have understood.

"I have to leave the Weyrhold," he said, his voice quiet. "The Hall has
given me a new posting to Sunstone Seahold. I don't know when I'll have
the chance of dragon transport again. Despite all that, I'll do as you
ask, Urlene, but I do want whatever part in his life you'll allow me. My
wife, she knew - knows - " The words choked in his throat. "May I see him?"

She saw the pain in his eyes and taking a moment, resisted the urge to
refuse. Whatever had happened between them, it wasn't her son's fault
and it wouldn't be fair to Lorgelen. Her voice lost it's cool
precision and became soft. "I would never withhold him from you,
Lorican. You gave him to me and you may see him whenever you wish. He
may never know you as a Da, but he will know that you're his father."
She felt relief at the decision. "Wait here. I'll go get him."

She moved around him and left quietly, closing the door behind him to
offer him privacy while she was gone. After a quick word with Briata
and reassurance that she didn't need assistance with the matter, she
bundled the baby in her arms. The three-month old was alert and awake
and as she carried him, he patted at her neck, fiddling with a piece
of her hair that he clenched tightly in his hands. Urlene kissed his
cheek, then opened her office door, stepping in quietly. "Lorican,
meet your son."

He'd heard her footsteps and rose from his seat, where he'd been
nervously awaiting their arrival. Lorican's eyes were immediately drawn
to the child, his fine, light hair, his round cheeks, the small fingers
that clutched at his mother's hair. **My son.** All the strain, the
guilt and the longing vanished from his expression, replaced by one of
wonder.

"Oh, Urlene. He's beautiful." He stepped closer, then hesitated, wary of
presuming too much.

Gently, Urlene pried Lorgelen's fingers away from her hair, looking
down at him with a mother's pride and love. "Yes, he is." She kissed his
round cheek again and then looked up as Lorican hesitated. "You can hold
him, if you'd like." She moved forward and carefully placed Lorgelen in
his arms. "He's holding his head up now, but sometimes he jerks
backwards, so keep your hand on his back." The baby stared at Lorican,
reached his hand up and immediately latched onto his lower lip with
tiny, but strong fingers.

"Oh..." Lorican didn't dare move for a moment, entranced, gently
supporting the child and taking in every detail of his face. He laughed
in delight, offered him one of his fingers to grasp instead. "Hello,
little one. I'm so glad to meet you." He didn't think he ever wanted to
stop looking into his son's eyes. After fearing he might die without
ever seeing him, this moment was precious.

Tearing his gaze away from a moment, he looked over at Urlene in simple
gratitude. "Thank you."

She stood back, arms tight against her body as she watched Lorican hold
Lorgelen. There were similarities, the shape of the eyes and ears, the
set of the chin and as they studied each other, Urlene felt her heart
lurch with finality; there was little doubt who fathered Lorgelen, not
after seeing them together. Y'gel, however, would be his Da, the man
who daily cared for him, loved him, and who he saw every day. Y'gel
would feel no differently about Lorgelen than he did now. It was, she
realized, no different from Weyr parenting, when a rider would or could
not care for their offspring. She had just never considered that she
would be taking part.

Lorgelen studied the finger in his hand with an infant's curiosity,
then promptly moved it to his mouth. His gums worked steadily as he
examined this new and interesting object, then pulled it out to stare
with wide curious eyes. Urlene couldn't help but smile and reply softly.
"You're welcome." She then looked at Lorican and spoke . "He is
yours. And you may see him when you're able. But don't mistake that
consent for anything further between you and I. I want to make this very
clear. I may live at the Weyr and accept their ways of relationships,
but I will never be a part of breaking marital vows. I will never allow
myself to be that open with you again. You may have given me a son, but
when you visit, there will be nothing more between you and I."

"I understand," he said quietly. He'd expected no less, given the way
he'd left her, and he'd made the vow on his wedding day freely, with an
honest heart. Even so, it felt like a loss, the finality of her words.
An end to hopes. Lusilk was gone, Urlene had moved on without him. All
that was left now was his love and duty to the two young boys, one back
in the forge at Barrier Lake, the other here, in his arms.

He looked at her over the child's head, feeling the same rush of
tenderness that he had the first time, when they'd walked out together
to the beach, watched the sun set. "Urlene, if you won't open your heart
to me, I hope it won't be closed for good and forever. You deserve every
happiness. What I did - it wasn't your fault. In other circumstances...
I wish I knew how to explain. Will you trust me on that, if nothing else?"

Her expression cooled slightly as she stiffened, her back
straightening. The tenderness in his eyes, directed at her, hurt. She
didn't want to see that in his expression, not towards her; he had no
right. "My son brings me happiness. That is enough for me and I want
nothing else." No one would ever have the chance to hurt her like that
again; she would not, could not, allow her emotions to ever again rule
over her good sense. "Please try to send me a message before you
arrive for a visit. I'll arrange for you to see him in private to bond
with him as much as you can."

"Yes, of course. Thank you." His gaze dropped and he focused on their
son. He'd done this, cast her off at the very moment when she'd first
begun to emerge from her solitude. Even though he'd done it to protect
the only thing more important than her trust and love - her life - he
was responsible all the same, and he didn't know if the damage could
ever be repaired.

The baby was beginning to wriggle in his arms, and to turn as if seeking
his mother. Lorican didn't want to part from him, not so soon. Who knew
when he'd have the chance to come to the Weyr again? He bent his head
and gently kissed Lorgelen's forehead. "Perhaps you'd better - "

"Of course. He may be getting hungry and he doesn't know you well yet.
It'll take time." She carefully took Lorgelen back, then laughed softly
as he began mouthing at her neck and shoulder. "He's definitely hungry.
He has quite the appetite. But he's a very even tempered and calm baby.
He doesn't get fussy often... as long as he's fed." Urlene's eyes
gentled as she began tickling at his rounded tummy. It brought a
drooling little smile to the little boy's mouth. She looked up at
Lorican again. "He's very loved, Lorican. Even the Weyrleader has taken
a shine to him. Briata fosters his daughter. He doesn't lack for
anything."

"I'm glad. I've seen how well the Weyr takes care of their own." There
was a small, but sharp realization, that they didn't need him, or
anything he could offer. What mattered, he told himself, was that the
child was safe and cared for, but he couldn't quite keep the note of
regret from his voice. "He looks happy. You'll be a wonderful mother to
him."

Much as he wished to linger, taking in the simple pleasure of watching
and hearing his son gurgle in pleasure, he began to fear that he was
outstaying his welcome. "I don't want to keep him from his feed. I
should go... I'll send word, as soon as I know when I can come again. I
don't know what my new posting will be like, but perhaps one of the
riders from the Weyrhold will bring me."

Urlene nodded slowly, gently bouncing and swaying Lorgelen in her arms
to keep him occupied until she fed him. "Thank you. I'm trying my best
and he is happy. Just send word and I'll speak to Briata to let her know
when to expect you if I'm not available. When he's older, perhaps he
can come to you on occasion, if your wife agrees."

A moment's pain showed in his face, before he managed to hide it. Lusilk
might never see his son, but he thought that Silgan might be happy to
have a little brother. "Yes, I'd like that. I could show him the smithy,
once he's old enough to enjoy it."

He started for the door, half-opened it, then turned back. "I hope -
when I come again - I'll see you both sometimes. If your duties permit,
and if you wish. I understand what you've told me and I wouldn't presume
on what's past, but perhaps, in time, I can start to make amends for
what I've done."

She wondered at the sudden flash of pain she saw and it made her stop
and consider him. Regret, perhaps? Perhaps there were other reasons
that he'd married, but if there were, it was far too late to change
them. He was wed. Still, Urlene didn't make Lorican any promises. For
now, she would be content just to have him visit Lorgelen. She looked
down at their son, then back at Lorican. "Perhaps. One day. "

Last updated on the December 1st 2020

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He's Loved