My Blood

Writers: Devin, Miriah
Date Posted: 6th March 2024

Characters: N'vanik, J'ackt
Description: N'vanik and J'ackt talk about children again
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 9, day 20 of Turn 10
Notes: Mentioned: Cyradis, Urlene

N'vanik

J'ackt

To say it had been a rough few days would be an understatement.
N'vanik finally escaped his office and settled in his favorite spot,
under the shade of a few large trees just past the high-tide line. He
gave himself some time to just watch the waves before he reached out
to his dragon.

}:Mine would like to know if yours has some time,:{ Loseth told Zith.
}:It's not urgent. It's personal.:{

}: Mine has some time. :{ Zith responded immediately to Loseth, his
mental voice sounding troubled. }: He comes. His mood is...
different. Strange. But not angry. :{

It look about a quarter of a candlemark for J'ackt to find N'vanik,
and his approach was announced by his own footsteps, odd for the young
man who so often walked far more silently. He stopped behind N'vanik
and stood silently for a moment, watching the waves as well for only a
moment. "You wanted to see me?"

"Have a seat, J'ackt." N'vanik turned toward him with a slight frown
of concern. "You've had some heavy stuff dumped on you. Wanted to see
how you were doing."

J'ackt frowned and then slowly sat beside N'vanik, his eyes still on
the waves as he remained quiet for long moments until he answered.
Resting his arm on his knee, the younger man tapped his fingers on
his shin. "I've been better. There's really not much I can really do."

"You want to talk about any of it?"

J'ackt's jaw worked from side to side before he answered. "I didn't
want children with my blood." His jaw muscles tightened. "I saw the
children she told me about. The ones in the creche. Two of 'em look
like me. " He took a deep breath, not mentioning the display of temper
he'd seen. "I wasn't supposed to know. I didn't want to know. Now I
do. Now that... girl... might be having another one."

"I'm sorry she used that to hurt you. And I'm sorry for what Cyradis
put you through." N'vanik didn't like her deal with J'ackt, but the
Weyr bloodlines were the Weyrwoman's responsibility. "You can do what
you want with that information. Those kids will be cared for and loved
no matter what." Including the one that venomous tunnelsnake was
carrying.

"I made that agreement with Cyradis. I could have refused it. She
doesn't know that I know of them. I haven't told her. " J'ackt
replied quietly, then turned his head slowly to look at the
Weyrleader. "I want my surgery. I've done my duty to the Weyr. I'm
done. "

N'vanik sighed. "I understand that you don't want kids. What I don't
get is why the solution is experimental surgery on your bits."

"According to Urlene, it's not common, but she knows how." J'ackt's
jaw set with a stubborn will, mentally digging in his heels. "When the
turn is up, will you approve it?"

"What I _especially_ don't like," N'vanik said, ignoring his question,
"Is that both times this has come up, it's been right after someone's
hurt you."

J'ackt's jaw tightened. "It's not about that. I've been wanting this
for months, N'vanik. I've done my duty to the Weyr," He repeated. "My
feelings aren't hurt. I've done everything you and Cyradis have ever
asked of me. You know that. Any time you've asked anything of me, I've
done it, even when I haven't wanted to. I made an agreement to wait a
turn. I'm still doing that. I haven't changed my mind just because
that piece of sniveling wher dung told me the truth."

"The first time you asked for this was after someone had deliberately
disobeyed your wishes." N'vanik sighed. "I'm not going to try to
convince you that you should want children. I wish you could take teas
like women, I really do. But I want you to really confront the reasons
behind this. Those kids might have your blood, but that's it. You can
choose to visit them or ignore them, but they aren't your
responsibility. They'll be raised with love by foster parents, they'll
be given everything you were denied."

J'ackt slowly turned his head to look at N'vanik. "You think this is
about not wanting responsibility for them? You're telling me the same
thing everyone else has. I know they'll be raised by foster parents or
by the creche." He exhaled through his nose. "My blood is enough,
N'vanik. Do you really think the Weyr needs more people like me?"

"People with strong dragonrider blood? People who are capable and
smart and learn quickly? People who learn from their mistakes and try
to do better? Yes. Granted I don't want too many more stubborn
wherry's asses to deal with, but sometimes you gotta take the bad with
the good." Shards N'vanik wished that J'ackt could stop thinking so
badly of himself.

"Killers." J'ackt pointed out softly. "People who rage and can't
control their temper." J'ackt looked away again, his jaw set. "Let me
have this, N'vanik. Please. What else have I ever asked from you?"

N'vanik wasn't going to be swayed like that. "Where do you think that
part of you comes from, J'ackt?"

J'ackt's lips thinned as he looked back at N'vanik, his jaw tight.
"Does it matter?"

"If you think you can pass it through your blood to a child, then it
matters how it got into your blood in the first place."

He felt like N'vanik was making a point that he didn't want to see or
think about. J'ackt felt frustration blooming further in his chest.
Why did he keep asking these questions? "Then I don't know, " He
snapped irritably. "But I didn't want children. That should have been
enough. But it wasn't. I've bred like I was fecking ordered to."

"I do think people should be able to decide if they want children or
not, and I think it's wrong that you were used like breeding stock."
N'vanik frowned, pushing back his anger at Cyradis. "But this isn't
really about children, J'ackt. This is about _you_."

"If you think I should be able to decide, then why are you arguing
with me about it?" J'ackt pointed out, then sighed, rubbing his eyes
with his fingers. "Blood or not, I don't want to be a father. That's
it."

'I'm arguing because I don't want you to go through life thinking you
could damage a child just by being related to it," N'vanik said.
"Those kids you saw in the creche, if they were older, would you tell
them you think they're broken? That you think there's something wrong
with them because of who their da is?"

"If they asked, yes." J'ackt's voice was flat. "But they're not
supposed to know about me. I wasn't supposed to know about them." He
ran his hand through his hair again, thoroughly mussing it. "If I'm
not around them, it'll be even better."

N'vanik closed his eyes for a moment and tried to find some patience.
"Well, I don't think you're broken. I think you're hurt and you were
shaped by the life you were forced into. I don't think those kids are
broken either. Maybe they'll be stubborn, maybe they'll have a temper.
And maybe they'll have the good parts of you. Maybe they'll be more
like their mothers, or different from both of you. But they won't grow
up holdless. They won't have a da who beats them. You don't have to be
involved at all, just . . ." He sighed. "Don't believe the poor kids
are doomed just because you happened to contribute half their genetic
material."

J'ackt turned to look at N'vanik. He wanted to ask what good parts of
him N'vanik was referring to. His sword skills? If the children were
lucky, they'd be more like their mothers...except for Enali's babe.
Faranth, that child...what would be done about that child other than
being put to foster? At the thought, J'ackt frowned. "Enali's babe.
Will you send it from the Weyr to be raised somewhere else?"

"I want to keep it here," N'vanik said. "Because I want to . . . I
guess, give it the best life I can. Would it be too painful for you,
knowing the kid is around?"

J'ackt took a moment to really think about it. "No. I just don't want
to know anything about it, alright? Who raises it. I didn't want that
babe. Sounds like she doesn't want it either. I guess have someone
kind raise it. Don't let it know where it came from. That's all I
ask."

N'vanik nodded. "Plenty of weyrbrats grow up not knowing who their
sire is. No one will think it unusual, and the kid will be as loved
and cared for as any foster. I don't want it to feel any guilt or
unworthiness because of who its mother is."

"No, it's innocent of that at least." J'ackt's lips thinned. "Do what
you want. I'm washing my hands of it."

"All right."

J'ackt nodded briefly and looked out away from them, falling silent as
he watched the waves surge against the shore in their timeless rhythm.
"You're not going to give up about this, are you?"

"I'm not expecting you to want kids, or to act as a father to them,"
N'vanik said. "I only want you to value yourself."

Tapping his fingers against his knee, J'ackt gave a soft snort and
scuffed the ground with his heel lightly. "I know my value, N'vanik.
I get it. I got that drilled into me as a Weyrling." His smile was
only slight. "Faranth knows that Zith reminds me everyday how
important we are." He turned to look at N'vanik, then took a deep
breath before rising. "I'm not changing my mind either."

"I want to let you make your own choices, J'ackt, but I really don't
like your reasons." N'vanik sighed. "You know how many times I wished
my da wasn't my da? You actually get to live that fantasy. The man who
beat you and belittled you wasn't your real father, the man who sired
you was a dragonrider. So where exactly is your tainted blood from,
J'ackt? Your mother?"

The younger bronzerider exhaled slowly as he stopped himself from
allowing the angry words that were bubbling in his gut. "Then let me
make them. You don't have to like my reasons. Fantasy? I barely know
the man who is supposed to be my father. I don't trust him. So what if
he's a rider, N'vanik? You and I both know that just because you're a
rider doesn't mean you're a decent person. He abandoned my mother and
I can't forget that either." He took another breath and looked back at
the ocean again, controlling his upset surprisingly well as he
clenched his fists and then unclenched them. "The taint comes from me,
N'vanik. It's mine. It's from me. It's from what I've done. How I've
had to live before. I'm not...I'm not a good person. " He took another
breath. "I'm a killer N'vanik, Zith or no Zith. I have to live with
that and remember that. Nothing can change it. " His smile was a bit
bitter before he sighed and shook his head, running his hand through
his hair. "I'm done talking about this, okay?"

"I love you J'ackt." A few Turns ago N'vanik could never have imagined
saying something like that, but his life had been changed for the
better by the people around him. "I wish you could see in yourself
what I see in you."

J'ackt immediately stiffened at N'vanik's words, uncertain how to take
it. He didn't look at N'vanik, not right away, but the words truly
touched him. His jaw twitched visibly and for a long moment he said
nothing. He blinked at the sudden sting in his eyes, unexpected, and
at the moment, unwelcome. "I wish I was your son."

"So do I."

He cleared his throat before taking a breath. "I'm gonna go, okay?
I've got to think about things."

N'vanik nodded. "Just remember I'm here for you."

Last updated on the March 9th 2024

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My Blood