Hard Coping

Writers: Heather, Miriah
Date Posted: 21st March 2024
Series: The Hallmaster's Ladies

Characters: Thayde, Enamra
Description: The pair reflects on the past few months and try to deal with the wedge in their marriage.
Location: Dolphin Hall
Date: month 1, day 20 of Turn 11

Thayde

Enamra

A stuffed dolphin, crocheted, in a powder blue color, sitting on the
top shelf of the bookcase in Thayde's office. For months he's made a
point to never make eye contact with it. It was made and given as a
baby gift for the child that Enamra had carried. _Had_ carried. And
lost.

At first, he struggled not to see the baby gift sitting there, glaring
down at him every day, but slowly, over time, it became a habit to
never look above the middle shelf. Avoidance was a lot easier than
actively thinking about the lost baby. Their _second_ lost baby.

Clearing his desk, Thayde locked the door to his office before
swinging by the kitchens to collect a bouquet of flowers and a bottle
of wine.

When he arrived home it was to the smell of Enamra's cooking.

"It smells amazing, as usual," Thayde pressed a kiss to the top of his
wife's head as he set the bottle down and placed the flowers in an
empty vase.

Enamra's smile wasn't as wide or happy as it used to be, but it was
improving each day. This time it actually reached her eyes. "Thank
you." She leaned back against him just for a moment before she turned
to look at the flowers. Her eyes warmed at what had become his habit
since their loss. "They're beautiful, Thayde." She lifted up on her
toes to brush her lips against his cheek. "Dinner will be ready in a
few minutes. It just needs to simmer a bit more."

Thayde curled an arm around her waist, keeping her pressed against
him. "Exactly how much time will this 'simmering' take?" he asked, his
lips finding her ear.

Her smile faltered just a little and she quickly moved away to check
the dish. "Only a few minutes. You can wash your hands and face before
you eat." She felt guilt wash over her once again, but the idea of
intimacy, any intimacy that could result in... She pushed the thought
away. Maybe she could think about that later. "I'll get glasses for
the wine."

Standing behind her, Thayde's hands were still poised in midair where
they'd been on her body. Closing his fingers around the empty air, he
settled for shoving them into his pockets instead. Even though he knew
why, even though he logically understood, the rejection was a knife in
the gut.

"I'll just wash up then," he said, making his way towards the washroom
as he did every evening. This sad routine had become their life since
the miscarriage and he didn't know how to break out of it.

She heard the upset in his voice and sighed, her shoulders drooping
slightly. They'd tried, they honestly had, but her heart hadn't been
in it and she hadn't been able to respond to him like he needed her
to. She'd not refuse him; she never would consider it, but her husband
didn't take what he could have and he never would have forced her.
Enamra set the table and laid out the glasses, moving to sit next to
his spot, her hands folded in her lap. She waited and when she heard
his footsteps, spoke softly. "I'm sorry, Thayde."

"There's nothing to be sorry for," he said, taking his seat beside
her. He was hurt, but it was the truth. What would he have her
apologize for? Being human? Did he miss the intimacy they'd shared so
much that it made him ache? Yes. But did he blame her? No. He would do
whatever it was she needed, for as long as she needed.

Chewing on her lower lip, she stared down at her twisting fingers. "I
don't know what to do," she admitted. "I just can't...I
mean...sometimes I want to but..."

Thayde reached over, taking her wringing hands into his. "What are you
afraid of, Enamra?" He thought he knew, but it needed to be said out
loud.

Her hand clutched at his but she didn't meet his gaze. "I'm not ready
for another baby, Thayde. I can't. I just..." She shook her head. "I
just can't."

"Hey," he said softly, "look at me. I understand, really. If you don't
want to get pregnant again, now, or ever, that's fine. The
dragonriders at the Weyr use teas to prevent pregnancies if you want
to do that." Just the mention of the Weyr made his gut twist a little.
She'd come back from the Weyr, after being Searched, because she'd
been pregnant.... Maybe now that she wasn't, and didn't want to be...
Maybe she was meant for a dragon. Shells, he hoped not, letting her go
the first time had nearly killed him. He didn't know if he could do
that again.

She nodded as he spoke. "I heard about the teas, but I didn't think
you'd want me to take them." She chewed on her lower lip and slowly
lifted her eyes to meet his gaze. "I think...I think I should take
them. At least until I'm ready. Until we're ready."

"I think that's a good idea." Thayde also had another thought, that he
hoped wouldn't offend Enamra. "Maybe we should see a mindhealer
together."

That suggestion brought an immediate frown. "A mindhealer? Why? I
mean..." Her fingers twitched in his grip. "I...I've never seen one.
Is there even one here?"

“There is,” Thayde said. “We don’t usually, but there’s one here now
working with one of the journeymen on a project.” His thumbs stroked
circles over the backs of her hands. “I think after everything we’ve
been through, not just the babies, but _everything_ from the day we
met, it might be good for us to talk to someone. They might be able to
help us heal. They could help us regain the intimacy we’ve lost,
maybe.” That last one was the hardest. He still desired her as much as
he ever had, but desire and intimacy were not the same thing.

"But it would be a complete stranger," she protested softly. "It's
embarrassing to talk about things like that, isn't it? I mean, to
someone not your husband?" She looked down at their joined hands and
sucked in her lower lip in thought. "Do you think we really should?"

“Maybe it would make you feel better to know that the mindhealer is a
woman?” Thayde said. “We could just try a visit.”

It did make her feel a little better, so she nodded. "As long as you
go with me. Okay?"

"Always," he said, leaning in and pressing a kiss to her temple. "Now,
let's eat the wonderful meal you made us."

She offered a brief smile and moved her hand to begin to eat. "How is
everything else?" Enamra broached a delicate subject lightly. "Is
Jalodwyn still doing well?"

"She's making some progress. The healers are being strict on her
recovery," Thayde answered diplomatically. As the Hallmaster, the
healers sent him regular reports on Jalodwyn.

"Oh." Enamra fiddled with her food for a moment. "And your daughter?"
It was a sensitive subject for her; she wanted desperately to give
Thayde a baby, but Jalodwyn had been able to do so. She'd understood
that Jalodwyn didn't want her around the baby and to be honest, she
didn't want to build a bond with the child. It was too painful. But
she knew that Thayde had grown to love the little girl. That mattered
to her.

"Jalotha is doing well. Growing like a seaweed." It was harder to
remain neutral when it came to Jalotha. There was a smile and hint of
pride in Thayde's voice when he spoke of her.

Hearing the pride in his voice was also hard to hear. She rarely asked
about Jalodwyn or Jalotha. "Are...are you able to see her more?"

"Not... not a lot," he said honestly. "A little more than before
Jalodwyn's accident but it's better than nothing." Sometimes Thayde
lay awake at night, dreading the day when Jalotha was old enough to
ask him why he hadn't been a real father to her, why he hadn't been a
_real_ part of her life. It haunted him.

Enamra picked at the food on her plate, seemingly lost in thought for
a long moment. "I thought Jalodwyn had eased up a little on you. I
mean...you haven't been fighting or anything."

"The absence of fighting does not mean we're on solid terms," Thayde
replied simply. "But enough of that," he smiled, patting her knee
underneath the table. "How are Embly, Roblyna, and Mornem?"

"They're good. Embly has decided she wants to be a dolphineer now."
Enamra gave a gentle smile. "She's like a fish in the water herself
and she's down at the docks every chance she gets. The Harpers think
well of her. They say she's very smart." There was pride in Enamra's
voice. "Mornem is getting so tall and he says he wants to be on a boat
some day. Roblyna is just happy out on the beaches finding seashells."

"I'm glad they're happy," Thayde said genuinely. Their lives had been
tumultuous before, but now that they were at the Dolphin Hall they at
least had stability. More importantly, clothes on their back and food
in their bellies.

"They're very happy. They don't talk about Papa anymore or home. I
guess they think of the Hall as their home now." She paused. "I
suppose that's the best thing for them. They don't seem to need me as
much." She wasn't sure how to feel about that, but couldn't deny
feeling a bit relieved from the responsibility.

"Now you can be their sister instead of their mother-sister." Thayde
only wished that Enamra had been able to have a normal teenager
experience as well but that had been impossible with their
etiquette-forced marriage. **Maybe it's best in the long run that we
haven't had babies yet,** he thought. Babies would just mean Enamra
would have to assume those same responsibilities she'd had over her
siblings.

She nodded in agreement. "I think I'd much rather be their sister.
They love their foster mother very much." She knew her siblings loved
her, but it was nice to relax and not worry about them. She laid her
hand on Thayde's, feeling it warm on her thigh and squeezed it gently.
"Should we have them over for dinner soon, though? We haven't done
that in a while."

"I would like that. Maybe dinner down by the surf? I'm sure they'd
love to play with Ada."

She brightened. "I think that's a wonderful idea." Enamra began
digging into her food with more interest, already planning the meal
and the picnic. "I'd like to swim with Ada too, if she's okay with
that."

"Of course. Ada loves when you come swimming." The weight in Thayde's
chest lifted a bit as Enamra finally began eating.

Last updated on the March 24th 2024

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