A Debt That Can Never Be Paid

Writers: Aaron, Devin
Date Posted: 15th May 2024

Characters: R'lor, Ã‡'pier
Description: R'lor and Ã‡'pier have a very difficult conversation.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 5, day 9 of Turn 11
Notes: Mentioned: N'vanik, Saedyna, Blue

R'lor

Ã‡'pier

Content warning for suicidal thoughts.

~*~

R'lor glared at the weyrling sitting across from him. "So, still
determined to kill your dragon for having the audacity to Impress
you?"

Ã‡'pier still regretted just how much what he had done had changed the
way R'lor saw him. But that over and done and nothing he could ever
change now. As it was, he simply had to deal with who he had become to
R'lor now.

He grinned and shook his head slightly.

"I'd ask whether you come out swinging like that at any of your other
weyrlings... but none of your other weyrlings are murderers." It
really did not seem to make any difference why he had done it or that
he had not actually succeeded. He had still made the attempt, and it
was the fact that he had it in him to do something like that that
changed how everyone saw him.

"Yeah, I'd still go if he would let me. He won't, though."

"At least one of you has some sense." Yuliuth was such a sweet dragon,
R'lor had no idea why he'd chosen C'pier. "Why would you rather die
than face the consequences of what you've done? Why would you make
Yuliuth suffer by not learning to /between/ like the rest of his
class?"

Ã‡'pier raised an eyebrow. Was that it? Did he think he just wanted to
get out of facing any consequences, like death was not the only
consequence he deserved?

"I'm the only one in this whole flaming Weyr who is trying to make me
face the consequences!" he laughed. "All of you are trying to do some
kind of weird half-measure so that you can save Yuliuth. And he does
deserve to be saved. But you told me yourself. He won't change his
mind. He won't pick someone else who really does deserve him. He wants
to save me because that's just how good he is. But he can't. Nobody
can. I can't be saved, and nobody in their right mind would want to
save me.

"The best thing I can do for that sweet, sweet boy is to end his
suffering as soon as I can."

R'lor wanted to shake him. "For Faranth's sake, I'm furious with you
for what you've done, but you don't deserve to _die_."

"Oh, I only deserve to suffer for the rest of my natural life... so I
can just die anyway?" asked Ã‡'pier. "I can accept that this is what
you think I deserve, but don't try to make it sound like it's
_better_."

"What do you think you deserve, then?"

"I guess I can't blame you for not listening to me; it's not like I
have a long history of telling you the whole truth... R'lor, I deserve
to die. I did horrible things to innocent people to save the people I
love from bad decisions I made. And if not for Yuliuth, I'd already be
dead or close to it, and I doubt you'd be losing any sleep over it. If
you ever even thought of me, you'd say, flame it, I gave my sympathy
to that monster. I'm glad he's dead."

R'lor's mouth pressed into a thin line. "You presume an awful lot
about what I think, weyrling. You can't change what you did but you
can decide to be _better_ from now on. I _want_ you to feel bad for
trying to kill that girl and then lying about it, but you can't
_wallow_ in it to the point of not doing anything else. Show me. Show
me you're something more than the mistakes you've made."

Ã‡'pier stared at R'lor for a moment as though he had grown another
head that was speaking words of some outlandish tongue.

"How could you believe me if I tried? And even if _you_ did, who else would?"

"You won't know until you try, will you? Isn't Yuliuth worth trying
for?" R'lor asked. "He saw _something_ in you, can't you at least make
some effort to figure out what that is?"

"Heh... Yuliuth is worth a lot," said Ã‡'pier. But no matter what
effort he put in, no matter how he came to see himself the way Yuliuth
did, no one else ever would. He would never be anything more than a
murderer to anyone else. All his effort would only ever amount to more
suffering before the inevitable end. Which was probably what R'lor
really wanted for him, anyway.

"He's certainly worth whatever all this is to you." Ã‡'pier waved his
hand around to indicate their conversation, everything else. He could
understand fighting to save Yuliuth. But only Yuliuth understood
fighting to save him, and the brown was unable to put into words _why_
beyond the mere fact that it was what he wanted.

Nevertheless, the fact remained that no matter how happy they all
would be to save Yuliuth, they would go on forever wishing Ã‡'pier was
deadâ€" and making him wish it, too. Nothing he or Yuliuth could ever do
would change that.

"So. How do I change your mind, then?"

"You suck it up and accept your punishment. You show me you regret
what you did, not just because you had to admit it and face
consequences, but because it was wrong. You learn to /between/ without
trying to kill yourself." R'lor had taken the deceit personally and
wasn't the best person to deal with C'pier, but the other
Weyrlingmasters seemed to think this was his problem. "We can discuss
any adjustments to your punishment with the Weyrleader _after_ you've
graduated -- and don't forget you'll be joining the next weyrling
class as well, so that won't be for a while." R'lor thought repeating
all the weyrlinghood training might help instill important lessons --
duty, responsibility, honesty, selflessness, relying on others.

"So you want me to go back to lying to you," said Ã‡'pier. The thing
was, he knew it was wrong, but that did not change the fact that he
had to do it anyway. He regretted having to do it, but he had to do it
anyway. He had always known that he might have to accept the
consequences, and he had done it anyway.

"Have I left any job you've given me undone? Done any shoddy work?" So
far, he had performed every task of drudgery set before him with
fastidious attention to detail and reasonable haste without a shred of
complaint or objection.

R'lor grit his teeth. "You nearly beat a girl to death, and you're
telling me you're not sorry about that at all?" Maybe there was no
hope for him afterall. R'lor didn't know how he could train someone
with a complete disregard for the lives of others.

"I guess it depends on what you mean by sorry," said Ã‡'pier. "I
understand it was evil and wrong, and I didn't want to do it. But
suppose I hadn't done it, and Blue had been the one who someone else
attacked because I refused. If he had died because I had let her live,
I would have regretted that more than what has happened to me now.
Whatever happens to me is worth it because he gets to live."

"You should have _told_ someone, but we can't change that now." R'lor
sighed. "I understand you believed it was a choice between Blue's life
and Saedyna's but if you can at least regret that you severely hurt
Saedyna, that you almost ended her life, then maybe there's some
hope."

"I never wanted to do it, never took any joy in it," said Ã‡'pier. "And
as long as Blue stays safe, I'm glad she didn't die."

Well, that was a relief. R'lor folded his hands on the desk. "You said
whatever happens to you is worth it because Blue gets to live. Why
don't you feel that way about Yuliuth?"

"Blue can be rid of me." He _was_ rid of Ã‡'pier. "He doesn't have to
suffer because I do. But everything that I suffer, so too does
Yuliuth. And I can set him free from that, too."

"_Is_ he suffering?"

"Does Kularth not feel everything you feel?" Was Ã‡'pier somehow closer
to his dragon than R'lor was to his? Or was he just... used to it by
then?

"He does, but he also has his own feelings and thoughts. And even if
he is miserable, is death the only way out?" R'lor asked. "Is he not
even worth trying to become a better person for?"

"I don't see that there is any other way," said Ã‡'pier. "If I can
never repay this debt that I've incurred, then yes, death is the
inevitable end, and it may as well come sooner than later."

}:Are you unhappy?:{ Kularth asked Yuliuth.

}:I am still working for happiness,:{ said Yuliuth. }:But I chose this
for myself.:{

}:Yours does not understand that we do not want him to die.:{ Kularth huffed.

"So we're back around to the idea that you'd rather die than do a
little hard work. What should I do? Go to the Weyrleader and tell him
you haven't learned a thing but you're too sad so we lift your
punishment?" Even spoiled rich holders and bullies loved their dragons
enough to want them to _live_.

Ã‡'pier peered at R'lor for a moment, genuinely not sure whether he was
jerking him around or not. But he surely could not be, right? Else why
go through this whole song and dance of trying to reach him?

"I'm doing your work, R'lor. I'll keep doing your work. I don't know
what I've done to make you think otherwise," he said. "I'm not asking
you to go to the Weyrleader for anything. He wouldn't care anyway if
you did, and why should he? If I'm sad, it's because of the life I've
already taken away from Yuliuth when he chose me. It's because I hurt
the one I did this for in the first place. They deserve sympathy, not
me."

"And yet you won't do anything to make Yuliuth's life better. Instead
you'd rather murder him by going /between/ forever," R'lor said.
"_That's_ what makes me think otherwise."

Once again, Ã‡'pier was baffled. He stared a moment more, eyes squinted
and trying his best to understand where the disconnect was in their
understanding of one another.

"I don't understand what you think I can do to make it better. It's
never going to get better."

"It definitely won't if you never try. Listen to Yuliuth. Ask him what
kind of person he thinks you are, and then do your best to _become_
that person." Dragons saw everything, including your flaws, but they
saw through the eyes of love and most of the time focused on the best
in their riders.

Ã‡'pier sighed, leaned his head back, and closed his eyes.

**What does he want from me, Yuli? What does it matter what kind of
person I am?**

}:You sold yourself willingly to that man who made you hurt the girl, yes?:{

**To pay for Blue's freedom, yes.**

}:Would you pay a similar price for your own freedom now? Or failing
that, for mine?:{

**What, you think he wants me as his own personal assassin? I never
even finished repaying the last time I sold myself. What could I
possibly be worth to him?**

}:You are worth all this fighting he is doing now to save you. Just as I am.:{

**He doesn't want to save me, Yuliâ€" I told you. He wants to save you.
If not for you, I'd already be dead or deep in the mines, out of
sight, out of mind forever, and he would never think of me again.**

}:But I did choose you. And you are here. He knows that I chose you
for a reason and that you are worth savingâ€" something he would not
have known without me.:{

**So, what, I pledge to do whatever he says? I already have to do that.**

}:There is one matter in which you will not heed him.:{

**But you're keeping me from that, too.**

}:I am keeping you here, yes. But you have made me otherwise useless.
You have kept me from doing the one thing I was Hatched to do.:{

**Was it worth it, then? Choosing me?**

}:Yes. A thousand times over would I choose you again, yes.:{

**I don't have anything he wants. Nothing I can give him.**

}:Yes, you do, and yes, you can:{

**I won't accept a life sentence, Yuli, especially not for something I
_failed_ to do. The girl lives. Either I owe my life, or I don't, and
if I don't, then I would know the price they expect me to pay. None of
this 'when I believe you've learned your lesson' nonsense.**

}:The person I know you can become is one who thinks not of prices and
payments.:{

**I don't know any other way to make amends. Do you think Saedyna will
ever forgive me? That N'vanik will? That Blue will? I can't make them
reconcile with me. I can only pay what I owe.**

}:Kularth's rider might.:{

**Might what?**

}:Forgive you.:{

"Hm..." That would be worth something to him. But could be really
believe it was possible?

Finally, he said,

"What do you want from me?"

R'lor had waited it out, recognizing the signs of a rider deep in
conversation with his dragon. The Weyrlingmaster Third had breathed
slowly, telling himself to be calm while Kularth lent his steady
strength. When C'pier asked his question, R'lor took a long moment to
consider his answer. "I want you to be more than the mistakes you've
made."

Ã‡'pier was not entirely sure that really meant anything. But at the
very least, if it did mean anything, it might mean that R'lor really
might forgive him someday.

"Alright. What now?"

"You keep seeing the mindhealers until they confirm you're no longer
suicidal." Accidents were one thing, but R'lor wasn't going to lose a
weyrling pair due to negligence. "Then you learn to /between/ and work
to catch up to the rest of your class." C'pier and Yuliuth had been
sitting on the ground during drills, watching as the other weyrlings
practiced.

Ã‡'pier nodded.

"We will."

Best to end this before R'lor's temper came back. "Then you're
dismissed for now."

Last updated on the May 16th 2024

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A Debt That Can Never Be Paid