A Forbidden Kiss (4/6)

Writers: Devin
Date Posted: 11th February 2025
Series: Bronze and Blue Entwined

Characters: K'mai
Description: K’mai spends a miserable night alone with his thoughts.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 5, day 10 of Turn 12
Notes: Mentioned: I’serin, H’run, L’keri

K'mai

I’serin had refused to see him. All K’mai wanted was to apologize, and
it didn’t feel right to do that through their dragons. He needed to
_talk_ to I’serin, to _fix_ this somehow . . .

K’mai paced his weyr for another moment, then slumped onto his couch
to take another drink. }:You should have someone make you feel
better.:{

**I _can’t_!** He immediately felt guilty for snapping at his dragon.
Great, just what he needed. _More_ guilt. He couldn’t talk to anyone
about this. He couldn’t even ask someone over to distract him with sex
because he was afraid he’d say I’serin’s name in the heat of passion.
_Again_.

Shards. He couldn’t believe he’d done that with _H’run_ of all people.
He’d scorched that friendship too, using H’run as a substitute while
his dragonlust-addled mind had been fixated on I’serin. **Obviously in
love.** H’run’s words kept coming back to him. It was just the other
bluerider being overdramatic, misinterpreting friendship and desire as
something else. At least it seemed like H’run thought it was just
K’mai wanting something he couldn’t have and H’run didn’t think
anything had happened between him and I’serin.

_Did_ he love I’serin? Well, yes. K’mai loved his friends and they’d
gotten a lot closer since that night I’serin had come to his weyr. And
K’mai hadn’t exactly done the best job of hiding his attraction to
I’serin, but even if the feeling was much more intense now, he’d been
flirting with I’serin for _Turns_. K’mai loved toying with
bronzeriders. H’run, like most people, had assumed a combination of
desire and closeness meant romance, and that just wasn’t true.

It was an easy assumption to make. K’mai had even done it himself
before. He’d thought he’d been in love with Gaiya when they weyrmated,
but after a lot of discussions with a number of people, he’d realized
that while he certainly did love her, he hadn’t been _in_ love with
her.

**. . .Obviously in love.**

This was an intense sexual friendship, like it had been with Gaiya.
Although . . . Had he been this upset when Gaiya broke up with him?
Well, that had been different. He’d hurt her unintentionally too, when
he continued sleeping with other people, but they’d never promised to
be exclusive. I’serin had asked him, repeatedly, to keep his sexuality
secret, and K’mai had told him he would. He’d _broken_ a promise, of
course this was much worse.

Gaiya had been a hole in his heart for Turns until they finally
patched up their friendship. Would it be the same with I’serin? The
thought of I’serin avoiding him and barely speaking to him for Turns
felt like tunnel snakes gnawing at his chest.

Even before today things with I’serin had felt . . . kind of intense .
. . a lot of the time.

**. . .Obviously in love.**

K’mai took a long drink of whiskey. He thought of how I’serin tasted,
what he looked like lost to pleasure, how his fingers had shyly
brushed over K’mai’s at the tavern. The thrill of diving with him,
laughing as they surfaced. That day at the Citrus Bay Gather, sharing
one of I’serin’s favorite drinks and having fun shopping.

And then the flight. I’serin shoving him away. That look of shock and
betrayal flashed in K’mai’s mind again and the hot sting of tears
burned in his eyes. He hadn’t _meant_ to, the fog of dragonlust and
frustration had blurred everything else out until all he saw was
I’serin and all he knew was how much he wanted the bronzerider. But
what kind of friend was he, if he could shatter I’serin’s trust like
that?

K’mai didn’t understand why the bronzerider was so desperate to keep
his secret, he only understood that it _was_ important. That flash of
panic on I’serin’s face when K’mai was just teasing him with a sexy
book in the bookstore had made it clear how truly afraid the
bronzerider was. And yet I’serin hadn’t hesitated at all to take K’mai
into his weyr the night Riyanth was killed. That awful, awful night,
when all the jagged fear and loss of River Bluff’s destruction had
come roaring at him like the tsunami that had battered his home before
the earthquake destroyed it. I’serin had held him, let him cry,
comforted him. And asked him to stay the night, even though he knew
people would notice, would wonder why a bluerider had stayed in the
Weyrleader’s weyr all night. I’serin had held him all through the
dark, through the broken sleep and the nightmares. Making K’mai feel
safe.

K’mai had wanted I’serin to feel safe with him, too. And all it took
was one sharding flight for K’mai to forget his self control and throw
all of that away. The guilt ate at him like Thread.

This was . . it was such a flaming mess and it was all K’mai’s fault.
He was supposed to _protect_ I’serin and instead he’d all but exposed
him in the middle of a crowded flight room. I’serin had every right to
be angry at him.

What if I’serin never wanted to see him again? No more kisses, no more
talking, no more lunches or little escapes. What if he went cold,
locked himself away, sitting alone in that Weyrleader’s office, the
pressure eating at him day after day until . . . And it would all be
K’mai’s fault. K’mai put his head in his hands. **Sebeth, please . .
.**

The blue’s mindvoice was sad. }:K’mai, I cannot disobey the
Weyrleader. I am sorry. I love you:{ His rider was hurting and he
wanted to help, but he didn’t know what to do. Aluneth had been firm.
K’mai refused other humans. Sebeth sighed. }:I will ask one more time
tonight, but then no more until morning.:{ He didn’t want Aluneth to
be angry with him, though he feared it might already be too late for
that.

K’mai waited, holding his breath and gripping his glass of whiskey.
After a long moment Sebeth said, }:I am sorry. The answer is still
no.:{

He knew that would be the answer, and yet somehow it was still
crushing. K’mai’s next breath ended on a soft, shaking sob and the
tears spilled over. **I scorched it all. I ruined our friendship.**

** . . . Obviously in love.**

He wanted Uetia. He wanted L’keri. He even, despite everything, wanted
H’run. Any one of his scores of friends. But he didn’t trust himself
not to say something to make it worse, some little slip that would let
them guess that he’d been fooling around with the Weyrleader. That
their kiss in the flight room hadn’t just been dragonlust and
confusion, but real passion.

So K’mai sat alone in his weyr and cried, missing I’serin with an ache
that made it hard to breathe. And he had only himself to blame.

Last updated on the February 18th 2025

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