I'm A Walking Travesty

Writers: Halyonix, Sia
Date Posted: 9th April 2025

Characters: E'tariax, I'serin
Description: I'serin has his first mindhealer session with E'tariax
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 4, day 15 of Turn 12
Notes: Mentioned: M'kayre, I'lon, N'thal, N'vanik
listen to All Time Low's Therapy for title inspiration

I'serin

If anyone ever asked, he could say that he was meeting with Weyrleader N'vanik and it was another layer of confidentiality that he could hide behind. However, he would take a little bit of time to see his fellow Weyrleader, while most likely claiming some other errand that brought I'serin there. Still, Aluneth announced them to the watchrider and asked for directions to Aphirith's weyr, warning the green dragon that they were inbound.

}: Aluneth is coming. :{

**Aluneth must be here for Loseth, not you.** E'tariax thought, dismissing the green's warning so he could focus on scribbling his next move and his latest taunt to M'kayre in their long-distance game of dragonchess. The board was laid out on the table exactly how it was described, frozen mid-combat until that old wherry admitted defeat.

}: Rude. :{ She chided just as a rumble of greeting and the sound of another set of wings on the ledge alerted him to another's arrival. He rolled up the note quickly and was sliding it in a firelizard-sized tube when I'serin entered.

"Good evening, I'serin. Can't say you were the Weyrleader I expected at my weyr today. What can I do for you?"

I'serin smiled thinly. "Good evening. I apologize for not having Aluneth call ahead. I am not here on Dragonsfall business, if that is what you are wondering first. I...am here for your Craft skills. You were...recommended to me." It was not quite the truth but it was enough of it. I'serin had asked the healers of Dragonsfall who they would suggest as a mindhealer for a young rider looking for therapy, insinuating that it was someone in his Wing, not the Weyrleader himself. One of them had off-handedly mentioned E'tariax at Dolphin Cove and I'serin felt that was the name he needed. Despite their supposed vow of confidentiality, I'serin felt he could not trust a Dragonsfall rider with his...issues.

E'tariax's eyebrows raised, his expression carefully neutral. "Well, I'm not usually involved in Dragonsfall business." The greenrider said lightly. "I can make space. What do you want to talk about?"

"This is not Dragonsfall business," I'serin said. "This...is my personal business. If...you have time to make an appointment for me."

"I can make time. I have a bit of time now, if you like, or I can book you in later this sevenday."

"If you have a moment now..." I'serin proposed. If nothing else, he could determine if this would be a worthwhile venture. Mindhealers did not use the same treatment across patients. Perhaps I'serin would not resonate with any advice that E'tariax would give.

"Plenty of time." E'tariax agreed with a nod. "Would you like some tea? It's a little less awkward when there's things to stir."

Understanding that entirely, I'serin said, "Please." He took what he assumed was an available seat and waited for E'tariax to brew the drink.

E'tariax moved with practiced ease, setting out the tea while keeping his attention subtly on I’serin, taking in his posture, his body language. He made no comment on it, instead focusing on the quiet, grounding ritual of pouring the tea. "I appreciate you reaching out," he said as he handed I'serin the mug, "It isn't always easy."

I'serin allowed himself to also be grounded by the ritual of tea. After he accepted the mug, he answered, "I...feel I am at a crossroads. The reason that I reach out now is because I can see how the paths converge, diverge and...the pros and cons of each path. On numerous issues. I do not know which to take." He cradled the mug between his hands as though it held his heart and not tea. He exhaled, looked down, and then said, "Where would you like for me to begin?"

"Let's start with whatever's taking up the most space in your head right now. What was it that finally made you reach out?"

That was easy enough to answer. "Becoming Weyrleader," I'serin said with an unamused smile. He took a sip of his tea before elaborating. "As a bronzerider, we are often warned that we will be called into positions of leadership. We attend extra classes, assist in more tasks, prepare as best as we can for the opportunities, should they arise. However." A pause as he prepared his next words. "While one can study about what it takes to be a leader, becoming one, especially leaping from the rank of Wingrider to Weyrleader, is...quite a hurdle to overcome. I will not bore you with the specifics of that, as you can most likely imagine the amount of theory I have had to translate into application, but the predominant feeling in my mind is one of...falseness. Imposter syndrome, if my wording is correct. I feel as though I am a fake. Someone pretending to be Weyrleader, not _actually_ Weyrleader."

E’tariax sipped his own tea, letting the steam curl against his face as he considered I’serin’s words. "You're right. And it is, in some form or another, a large part of my job. Weyrlings overwhelmed by their new responsibilities, Wingleaders struggling to command their peers. You wouldn't be the first Weyrleader to admit that they sometimes felt like they were just playing a role rather than truly filling it.

"You are Weyrleader," he continued, setting his mug down. "Aluneth won the flight. The Weyr accepted it. That part isn’t in question."

I'serin tilted his head to the side. "Correct. The...acceptance in question is within me. I do not know how to overcome that feeling."

"And so where do you think this feeling comes from? Why do you think you aren't fit to lead the Wings?"

The Weyrleader opened his mouth to answer and then closed it. Thought about it a bit more. "Experience," he answered, "my lack thereof. And...the fact that one of my riders died during my first lead of Threadfall."

"What happened in that first Threadfall?" E'tariax asked.

I'serin closed his eyes. That day seemed written, etched on the walls of his mind, a memory that he could walk through with terribly clarity each time. "I...was overwhelmed," he began. "There was such a gap in between what I had memorized and how to execute it. I forgot many of the steps and had to rely on the Wingleaders to remember it, when I should have been the one commanding them."

But that was not the worst part by far. There was a long silence until I'serin quietly added, "I'lon died because of my failures." It was not directly true -- N'thal had been the one who had made the ultimate mistake -- but I'serin still held himself accountable.

He should have done better.

E'tariax let I'serin speak without interrupting, though he made a couple notes in his book. "And as the Weyrleader, is it your job to manage each Wing and each individual rider's position?" He asked.

I'serin could feel a trap in that question. "No," he slowly answered. "My role as Weyrleader is to lead the Wings. To ensure that the Wings are in their proper place during Threadfall. It is the Wingleaders' responsibility to see to the individual riders."

"And if I'lon's Wingleader came to you and said that they blamed themselves, what would you tell them?"

"That accidents happen," I'serin answered in a soft tone. He stared at the cup in his hands as if it held the future. "What if one is able to extend empathy and forgiveness towards others but not oneself?" he finally asked.

"That’s a good question," E'tariax acknowledged. "It’s easier to hold others with compassion because we can see the whole of them. Their mistakes are just one part of a much larger story. But when it comes to ourselves? We magnify our flaws and our failures until they become all we can see. You’ve told yourself that I'lon died because of you, and I imagine that is a story you have played over in your mind more than once. If another Weyrleader had stood in your place that day, would I'lon still be alive? Can you say with absolute certainty that another man, in your exact position, with your exact knowledge, would have done better?"

He could run the calculations on that probability but it would still all be theory. I'serin exhaled softly. "No," he admitted. "I...suppose then that this is something I must learn to do. Extend grace to myself?"

"You got it." E'tariax agreed. "Grace isn’t a finish line. It’s something we practice, over and over. That doesn’t mean you stop grieving I’lon. But it does mean letting go of the idea that carrying all the blame is a way to punish yourself. You are doing a disservice to yourself and your wingriders by doing that."

I'serin sat with that thought for a long moment.

"I now understand why you were recommended," he eventually said as he took a sip of tea. "May I...schedule another appointment with you?"

E'tariax smiled. "Of course. I'll want to hear about how you've been kinder to yourself, though. Do you think you can do it?"

"I will do my best," the Weyrleader promised.

Last updated on the April 22nd 2025

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I'm A Walking Travesty