A Handful Of Moments I Wish I Could Change

Writers: Halyonix, Sia
Date Posted: 8th May 2025

Characters: E'tariax, I'serin
Description: I'serin speaks with E'tariax again about mental health matters
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 5, day 21 of Turn 12
Notes: Mentioned: M'kayre
listen to All Time Low's Therapy for more title inspiration

I'serin

"I have this recurring dream," I'serin began explaining. "It is of River Bluff, on the day of the earthquake. I spend the entirety of the dream reliving what happened. In the Turn immediately after the destruction, I assumed that it was because I was still...processing what happened."

He paused and then continued. "As Turns continued, the dream came less until I began to realize that it only came when I felt overwhelming amounts of stress or danger."

E'tariax didn't speak right away. It was important not to rush moments like this, when a person took something raw and held it up to the light. "Do you think your mind is trying to warn you?" He asked. "Like it's not the past haunting you...it's your body saying 'hey, something feels just as dangerous now as this was'."

"The obvious answer," I'serin said, "is camped in our Weyrbowl." Word had spread that Dragonsfall had taken on Holdless refugees, who were in the process of determining their next step. Another thoughtful pause. "However, I feel this time the dream is looking at something...less obvious." He very carefully did not mention how the dream had changed this time because he was not ready to speak on that aspect just yet but instead, he brought up something else on his mind. "How would you advise the adult child of an overbearing parent?"

E'tariax had seen the newspapers and M'kayre had made a rash move in their latest chess match, so he only nodded in understanding. He had gotten used to I'serin jumping around a little in his thoughts, and continued on smoothly. "You're intellectualising again," He reminded the bronzerider, "Avoiding uncomfortable emotions by focusing on reason. And I'm not letting you rationalize yourself out of feeling. Tell me about your father."

The bronzerider was quiet for a long moment, crystallizing Turns and Turns of a relationship into something articulate. "My father, also being a bronzerider, had...high expectations for me," he began. Over the next half hour, he summarized how A'len had set seemingly unrealistic standards for his sons to reach, shifting those standards solely to I'serin when he Impressed Aluneth (since A'soren's brown could never rise higher than Wingsecond), how difficult I'serin's teenage Turns had been because of these standards (while also trying to figure himself out), to the Turns when I'serin had thought perhaps A'len would let him be (because A'len was a Wingleader at River Bluff), to the Turns after the destruction of River Bluff, to now -- with how A'len constantly critiqued, undermined, and badgered I'serin about his Weyrleadership tactics.

When I'serin was done speaking, he let out a very long sigh, feeling as though he had unloaded too long a sordid tale.

E’tariax sat still, legs crossed, pen idle between his fingers. He didn’t jot anything down right away. “I want to thank you for trusting me with that. It’s not easy to unpack something that stretches across so many Turns."

“What I’m hearing,” he continued gently, “is a pattern of chronic pressure and conditional approval. Your father set a standard he expected you to meet, one that was always just out of reach. And every time you thought perhaps you'd earned a reprieve, the bar moved. That’s not a failure on your part, I’serin. That’s a dynamic designed to keep you striving, not succeeding.”

"It...I never felt as though I was good enough," I'serin admitted in a small voice. Something deep within him hurt as he said that, an echo of the child he once was, crying as he tried to understand why this was happening.

"And that's a normal reaction for people put under that kind of stress." E'tariax agreed. "You were a child doing his best, and you've become a man that's still doing his best. Not meeting whatever goalposts your father has set up does not mean you aren't worthy of love." He sat back slightly, "So let's shift the question. Instead of 'how do you deal with an overbearing parent', consider... who gets to define what success looks like for you now?"

I'serin felt like he had been punched. How had he _not_ considered that angle in all of his ponderings? It absolutely fit. Why should he allow A'len to still define what I'serin's success looked like? Why should his father determine if I'serin was good enough or not? Aluneth certainly had not cared about A'len's standards when he selected I'serin. Would I'serin continue to allow A'len to set what should be I'serin's own measure or would he begin to set his own?

And on the heels of that thought came the next one: what did I'serin consider as his own definition of success?

A very stunned bronzerider leaned back in his chair, exhaling slowly under the weight of that epiphany. }: I love you, :{ Aluneth said softly. }: You have always been worthy to me. Aphirith's rider is wise. :{

"That..." I'serin said thoughtfully, "is a very good question."

"It's not something you need to tell me now, but it is something for you to think on for next time." E'tariax said. "The only person you need to prove yourself to is _you_."

I'serin was thankful that he did not need to provide an answer just then because he was certain that it was going to take some nights deep in thought in order to crystallize. "I thank you," he said slowly, still turning over the weight of that question in his mind. "You...have given me much to consider. In a good way."

"Good,” E'tariax said simply. “That’s what this space is for.”

Last updated on the May 12th 2025

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A Handful Of Moments I Wish I Could Change