I've Got Troubled Thoughts and Self-Esteem to Match

Writers: Halyonix, Sia
Date Posted: 4th June 2025

Characters: E'tariax, I'serin
Description: I'serin unpacks recent events with a mindhealer.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 6, day 27 of Turn 12
Notes: Mentioned: Saibra, K'mai, N'vanik, Z'kim

I'serin

I'serin kept his bandaged hand tucked in his jacket, hiding it against the chill of /between/ and the chill of being seen. He did not want to explain what had happened to anyone else outside of a private few just yet. Dragonsfall Weyr knew that he and his father had fought, spectacularly, but the greater reason of why was still hazy. And I'serin intended for it to remain that way.

Aluneth rumbled a low greeting to Aphirith as he landed.

Aphirith rumbled her own greeting, scooting a little on the ledge to allow for the bronze to have some space.

E'tariax himself was just settling into a chair, two cups of tea steeped and ready, notebook resting casually on his lap. Dragonsfall's Weyrleader was never late, and it was easy to set up the space for him. "How are you doing, I'serin?"

"It has been an...eventful...few days," the bronzerider said as he slid into the seat and withdrew his bandaged hand from the jacket he now shrugged off. "If I give you analogy, will you consider that into today's topic?"

E'tariax's gaze flicked to the bandaged hand, his expression unreadable for a moment. He leaned forward just enough to show attention, but not pressure. "Depends on the analogy," he replied evenly. "And if you're using it to intellectualize again. This is a safe space, and anything you say here is just between you and I."

"A Hatching. Where a dragon splits is shell and is born," he began, and then the Weyrleader of Dragonsfall Weyr let out a long, unburdening sigh. "I...feel...as though something similar has happened within me." Though it momentarily felt silly to say, I'serin continued to clarify, explaining how ever since the big fight with his father, there felt something within him that refused to go back into its shell, that felt both terrifying and freeing. About how this feeling gave him small courage to face his bullying father but also scared him because it ruined his usually careful control.

E'tariax calmly waited for the analogy to end. I'serin was intellectualizing again, setting himself apart from the events of the days before. The acknowledgement of it was progress, though, and being able to pinpoint the feelings that he was feeling instead of tucking them away. A hatching, indeed. “What scares you more? The part of you that broke free… or what it might cost you to keep it out in the open?”

"Both," the bronzerider answered. "I...it _feels_ like so much. As though I have this undiscovered power within me that could ruin my life, set fire to every relationship, and yet...that power wants me to be happy. It latches on to the relationships that support me -- the true version of me -- and combats against the ones that would keep me caged."

I'serin rubbed his hands together thoughtfully, mulling over his next words. "E'tariax, what I am about to say, I have only told two other people in my life. And I am telling you not just because you are a mindhealer, but because you also ride green." There was a pause as I'serin gathered his courage, pulling on memories of support from Aluneth, K'mai, and Saibra.

"I am gay."

E'tariax didn't react with surprise, nor did he rush in with praise. He gave the revelation the space it deserved. “Thank you,” he said, voice soft but steady. “That’s not easy to say. I know that. And I also know the weight that comes with guarding something like that for so long.”

He studied I’serin’s face, not as a rider but as a healer. "For what it’s worth, you don’t have to justify telling me because I ride green,” he added gently, "Though you are correct that I have firsthand knowledge of how people make assumptions based on dragon colour. Would it surprise you if I said that I'm not gay?"

The Weyrleader winced, smiled self-deprecatingly. "Yes, but only because I was taught to lean into those assumptions. I should know better now." He rubbed his face with his hands. "It has been something I have hidden from everyone since I was a teenager. I did not want to disappoint my father and erroneously believed that my sexuality influenced my Impression chances. I suppressed it, as deep as I could. But now..." He paused to look out at the weyrledge. "I could continue hiding it but the cost of doing so would be greater than I wish to pay," he said quietly.

“I think,” E’tariax said, “that you’ve already paid more than enough. Hiding who you are takes more energy than most people realize. And it chips away at you until you either let it out or you break under the weight of pretending. Going back to your 'hatching' analogy-- do you know what comes after hatching? A lot of falling over and awkward attempts to walk. And a world that suddenly seems too bright, too loud, too everything. But also… full of possibility.”

E’tariax let the words settle for a moment before continuing, gentler still. “You don’t have to tell anyone else before you’re ready. You don't _need_ to tell anyone, either. Showing up with your loved one is a statement on its own. And I expect that aside from your father, the most you'll get is some mild surprise comparable to what you just felt learning about me."

I'serin rubbed his hands together thoughtfully while he mulled E'tariax's words over. "Of that I am...less certain. There are not many gay bronzeriders in our ranks. But..." He exhaled softly, thinking back to Saibra's response to his admission. "You may be correct in that there is a majority that would not be surprised to find out," he added, thinking of people like L'val and E'kavas. He stilled his hands. "Your analogy of a bright, loud world is...correct. When I consider the possibility of everyone finding out, it feels just that -- overwhelming. Terrifying. But when I think about showing up at a small dinner with K-..."

He trailed off suddenly, instinctively stopping himself before he said the bluerider's name. Yet, this was a safe space and if he continued hiding, he was only hurting himself. "When I think about showing up at a small gathering of friends with K'mai, it feels...bearable. Almost...pleasant. A hope that I had not given thought to before."

E'tariax's neutral, understanding mindhealer expression cracked for a moment, replaced by incredulous disbelief. This wasn't the session that he had expected to hear the bluerider's name. All of this, over _K'mai_? He supposed there was no accounting for taste. He cleared his throat and continued on, "You are still living at a Weyr. Folks will be surprised, as you've said, but they'll get used to the idea quickly enough without further effort from you. You don't need to grind on him during the next hatching feast."

I’serin’s cheeks flushed. “I…would most certainly not dance like that. Ever,” he said. Even if he wanted to one day dance with K’mai, it would not be in such a lascivious manner. He looked down at his hands again. “Weyrwoman Saibra spoke in a similar vein. She said that no one would question me. That, if nothing else, there would be people grateful to know that they would be accepted for themselves because of someone in my rank being themselves.”

"I think Saibra's heart is in the right place," E'tariax said, "but you don’t owe anyone visibility, whether you're the Weyrleader or not. Being yourself is enough. You don't need to place yourself on a pedestal for others."

“You are not the first person to tell me that either,” I’serin said softly. He was slowly starting to realize that he had, in some way, helped construct this box, these chains, believing and assuming incorrectly so many things. “I certainly do not wish for the Weyr to know as…extravagantly as whatever relationship N’vanik has with Z’kim but I do think that I…could work towards a…quieter reveal. Though it scares me.”

"It's frightening to be vulnerable." E'tariax agreed. "And you're already doing it. You've told me, you've told Saibra. You're more capable than you know."

Aluneth rumbled in soft agreement. }: Courage is not the absence of fear, :{ he added.

Absorbing all of this, I’serin looked to the weyrledge again. “I do not feel capable,” he admitted softly. “I feel…uncertain. About how to proceed.” A pause. “The only thing I am certain of is that what I _was_ doing will no longer work.”

"Well, I think you know what I'm going to say next." E'tariax said, "When all is said and done, what does that future look like for you? And what can you do to achieve that?"

“That,” the Weyrleader of Dragonsfall Weyr answered, “is a very big question.”

Last updated on the June 10th 2025

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I've Got Troubled Thoughts and Self-Esteem to Match