A Girl's Choices

Writers: Vanessa T Sommerfeld
Date Posted: 21st January 2008

Characters: Benar
Description: Muriana asks Benar for help
Location: Elsewhere on Pern
Date: month 8, day 1 of Turn 4

Benar looked across the table and smiled at his friends. He wondered if the turns showed on his face as it did on theirs. His eyes moved to their daughter. Physically, Keliana seemed to be the perfect blend of her parents, taking the best features of each and making them her own. On an intellectual level, however, the girl was in a class by herself. He had only talked to her short while, but she had amazed and amused him with a vocabulary even most adults didn't use.

"Keliana, how do you like having your parents all to yourself, with your brothers off at their apprenticeships?"

"It's quite tranquil." She nodded and smiled. "I enjoy the solitude."

He laughed. "You don't miss them at all?" he prompted.

"Oh, yes. I miss them, but they torment me endlessly when they are here. I actually like them much better in their absence." She looked to her mother for assurance that her comments were acceptable.

Benar laughed again and shook his head incredulously. "Where does she get that?" he asked Muriana. Her mother just smiled and shrugged. It was a question she'd heard more than once. "You don't talk like that, do you?" he asked.

"Are you kidding? Half the time, I don't even know what her words mean. I have to rely on the rest of it to figure out what she's saying." She smiled proudly at Keliana and caressed her shoulder. Benar looked at Kelsen and saw a similar pride as he gazed at his daughter.

He wiped his mouth and sat back with his wine. "Well, Muriana, I have to admit, that was delicious." He couldn't resist teasing his old friend. "Who would have thought that you would turn out to be a good cook?"

"Oh, my mother made sure of that," she countered. "It wouldn't do for me not to be a _proper_ wife someday."

The harper winced, he hadn't meant to touch on a sensitive topic. Muriana had always balked at the "womanly" tasks that she was expected to perform.
In their private conversations, her emotions on the topic ran the gamut from mild irritation to passionate animosity. Benar wasn't sure which end of the spectrum to expect tonight. He looked to her husband for a cue.

Kelsen, confident in the fact that his wife was not likely to want a fight with Benar visiting, took a chance at a jibe. "There is nothing _proper_
about you, wife," he said smiling.

"You'd better believe _that_" she said, and laughed. The tense moment had passed.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. Kelsen got up to answer it, but instead of inviting the visitor in, he stepped outside to talk. Benar frowned at Muriana. "Oh, it's only Pirin," she said. "one of the apprentices." She stood to clear the dishes, and Keliana began to help.
Benar started to pick up his plate as he would have done in the dining cavern, but Muriana swatted his hand away and took it from him. He shrugged, grabbed their two cups of wine, and followed them into the kitchen. They had chatted for a few moments when Kelsen returned, mumbling.

"Give them a simple task and they manage to completely muck it up." He kissed Muriana on the cheek and nodded at Benar. "I won't be long, but I need to go sort out the mess they've made.and reprimand those who didn't see fit to follow my instructions."

"We'll be here when you get back, but I can't make any promises about the wine." He teased.

When Kelsen had gone, Muriana turned to her daughter, "Thank you dear, but I'll handle the dishes myself tonight." Keliana looked at her mother with surprise and disbelief, so Muriana explained. "I want to talk to my old friend, sweetheart. Why don't you go ahead and get ready for bed. Then you can read for a while in your room? I'll be in shortly to say goodnight." Keliana nodded and turned to Benar. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Journeyman Benar. My parents speak of you often, and I truly admire your depictions of them. You are a talented artist."

Benar was surprised and delighted every time the child opened her mouth. He decided to attempt to speak her language. "The pleasure was all mine, Keliana. You are an enchanting young lady. I sincerely hope that I will see you again before my return to the Hall." He bowed slightly. "Goodnight."

She made a small curtsy. "Goodnight." She said, and left the kitchen.

Benar laughed out loud. "She is amazing. She cannot possibly be only eleven!" He handed Muriana her wine and they both took a sip.

With a knowing smile, Muriana said, "I know." But then she turned serious.
"Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." She leaned against the counter and looked deep into his eyes, searching.

Puzzled at her sudden change, he prompted. "What, Muriana?"

"I heard that the Harper Hall had moved into the Weyr." She paused and looked at the floor before she looked back at Benar. "And, I want you to see if you can get Kelaina Searched."

Benar stood with his mouth open.

She continued. "I know it's a lot to ask, and I'm not sure if you can even do it, but she _must_ stand for Impression. Do you know anyone who can get her Searched?" Tears welled up in her eyes.

"Why?" he struggled to catch up. He wondered why Muriana would want her only daughter to move to the weyr. Of course there was great pride in having a son or daughter dragon rider, but there was also an element of fear in the heart of any hold parent whose child stood the sands. After all, according to most hold residents, dragon riders were at least morally loose and at most dangerously close to death on a regular basis now that Thread had returned to the skies of Pern.

"Why?" She looked at him incredulously. Her voice went up an octave and the tears slid down her cheeks. "You really have to ask me that?" "Well, yes, Muriana. Why would you want Keliana to be a dragon rider? Don't you want her to stay close to you, and marry, and have grandchildren for you?" It was, after all, what his parents wanted more than anything.

"Do you even know me, Benar?" She looked angry and hurt.

He had no idea how he was upsetting her. "Of course I know you, Muriana. We grew up together. Calm down. Please. I want to help you. I'm just trying to understand."

Muriana took a deep breath and a large gulp of wine. "Do you really have no idea what it was like for me--what it is like for any girl unfortunate enough to be born in the south?"

"Well, yea, I know you're expected to marry and have children, and I know that rankles you, but."

"No." She was stunned. "You really have no idea, do you? You think you do, but you don't." She wiped at her wet cheeks. "Why did I marry Kelsen, Benar? Do you know?"

It was a question he had pondered for many turns. "I hoped it was because you loved him." He sighed at the look on her face. "But I admit, I never thought you did-not that way."

"You're right. I never loved him-that way," she closed her eyes and took another drink of courage. "Although I will say that the turns together have brought us to a very good place." A slight smile touched her lips that contrasted the anguished look on her face.

"Then why, Muriana? You didn't marry me because we didn't love each other.
Why would you marry Kelsen if you didn't love him?"

"Because he loved me." She replied simply. "Because he loved me." She repeated and looked at him for understanding, but he was unable to give it.
"I guess it must be hard for you to understand, Benar." She laughed, but there was no joy in it. "Your parents actually loved each other. And your father treated your mother with respect and kindness. You don't even know how rare that is." He had to admit, it was not something he had ever considered. "We didn't play at my house, did we? Or Kelsen's? Do you think maybe it was because he and I were both happier at your house?" He was still not following, so she continued. "Your mother was _happy_, Benar.
Your house was happy." She sniffed and went on, "Kelsen and I never had that at our own homes. We both wanted it. We wanted it for ourselves and for our children." She waited for him to catch up. "Think about it. What options did I have?" He didn't know and kept silent.

"Offers were made for me, you know. Families of young men, and older men as well, came calling on my father to ask for my hand." The bitterness in her voice was evident. "He actually wanted me to marry some of them--oh, not because they were good men who would treat me well, but because they offered money, or powerful alliances, or . . . whatever." She laughed bitterly. "Oh-ho, but I made sure that all of the offers were withdrawn. I told them privately that I would make sure that I _never_ got pregnant and that I would do my best to make their lives miserable. I told them that they would spend the rest of their lives wondering what I had put in their klah. I told them anything I could think of to make them run screaming back to wherever they came from." She smiled at her cleverness and then the smile faded. "Of course, my father eventually found out what I was doing, and he was furious." The tears started again and fell silently. "He told me that if I did it again, he would beat me. My own father, Benar. He was going to beat me! Because I wouldn't agree to marry a stranger. If my own father would actually beat me, Benar, what in the world would stop a stranger from it?" She collapsed onto a nearby stool. "Don't you see? I had to decide between marrying someone I neither knew nor loved and marrying someone I knew, but didn't love." She shrugged. "Kelsen loves me. He truly loves me. I knew he would never be unkind to me. Besides, he saw your parents the same way I did, and we agreed that we would try to have a marriage like theirs. We've done a good job, mostly. It's been hard. He knows. He knows I've never been in love with him. He knows I had no other choice-and that's the only reason I married him. But he loves me anyway."
She began to sob. Benar made the few steps to reach her and put his arms around her wishing he had thought to put his wine down first.

After she quieted, he stepped back and waited for her to continue. "At one point, I thought about running away to the weyr.I just couldn't." "What stopped you?" "You and Kelsen." She said simply. Her eyes filled again and he wondered how she could have any tears left. He embraced her again and she spoke into his chest. "You were the only two people in the world who cared about me. I couldn't leave you. Then I would have had no one." She looked up at him.
"No one. Besides, how could I know if the stories about the weyr were even true? What if I got there and they weren't? I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk ending up in a strange place, knowing no one, with no choices at all.
At least here, I could choose Kelsen." She sat up straighter and wiped her eyes again. "He's been a good husband, Benar. He's a good man. I'm actually pretty lucky, really." She stood up and attempted a half-hearted smile.
"I'm happy. Really. I'm not blissful. But I'm happy. As happy as I can be, anyway. And I have a great family." And now her smile was real. She sighed heavily at having released her emotion.

"I had no idea." Benar could hardly absorb what he had just heard. "How could I be so thoughtless, Muriana? So callous? I'm really ashamed at myself. You were one of my best friends. How could I not know this? Why didn't I ask?"

She shook her head. "Don't beat yourself up, Benar. It's the way things are. Nobody expects a young man embarking on his own life and career to contemplate the fate of everyone around him." She put her hand on his shoulder. "It was your time to be selfish. You were finding your own way. I don't blame you."

"You should." He hung his head.

"Benar," she lifted his chin in her hands. "We were _kids_. We weren't much older than Kelmar is now. I wouldn't expect him to understand what a young girl faces in this hold at his age. Really, I don't blame you. Don't blame yourself."

"I'll need to think about that." He was not prepared to let himself off the hook so easily. "Besides, even if I had a right to be oblivious to your situation as a young man, what about now, Muriana? I grew up a long time ago so that excuse is long gone."

"Ok, fine, you bask in your guilt, if you want, but I warn you that I'll use it to my advantage." She looked at him seriously. "I'm finished rehashing my own life for the evening, thank you very much. Right now we need to talk about Kelaina." She sniffed and pulled him by the sleeve into the living area. He was amazed that she seemed to have instantly gone from a sobbing mess to a woman on a mission. As they made themselves comfortable, she continued. "Now, I need you to see if you can get her Searched. I don't even know if you can, and I don't care how you do it, but I need you to try." He started to shake his head, overwhelmed at the prospect. He didn't even know where to begin. "I know I have no idea what I'm asking. But you can't deny me this. You have to try." She was pleading, now. "Keliana deserves a good life, Benar, a life of her choosing."

Benar asked the question, "Does she even want to Stand?"

"Well, I don't know, but she has to. I'll talk to her about it. She's smart, she'll understand." She quieted his objections with a look." I know it doesn't make sense that I'm not asking her if she _wants_ to be a dragon rider. But once she is a dragon rider, she can do anything she wants. Once she is a dragon rider, she can make her own happiness. She'll have choices.
Help me give her that, Benar. I need that for her. For me. Please." He could say nothing, except, "I don't know what I can do, Muriana. I don't even know where to begin, but I promise you, I'll do my best."

She made a sound that was half laugh, half sob and threw her arms around his neck, spilling wine all over both of them. "Thank you. Thank you."

He was already feeling the weight of his promise and not entirely sure how to go about fulfilling his commitment. "Don't thank me, yet." He was afraid of letting her down. She was certain this was the answer she was looking for, and he didn't even know if it was possible. Kelsen opened the door to his wife in the arms of his best friend. "Uh, what did I miss?" He smirked. The two broke their embrace and Muriana laughed, wiping her tears for the last time that evening. "Oh, Benar and I were just reliving old times and making promises for the future, weren't we, dear?"

"Yes, we were." Benar was relieved that she had said exactly what they had been doing. He would have felt uncomfortable if she had made up a lie.

The Smith could tell that something had passed between the two. He wasn't jealous, for Benar had his chance to marry Muriana and neither one of them wanted that. He was looking at his oldest friend and the woman he loved. He trusted that them. "Just as well I missed it, then," he said dryly.
"Where's the wine? Your cups are empty and I need one."

Last updated on the January 27th 2008

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A Girl's Choices