Not a Performance

Writers: AL, Cali
Date Posted: 28th September 2009

Characters: F'gol, Meledei
Description: F'gol changes his mind about practicing with Meledei.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 4, day 28 of Turn 5

"Hey." Meledei smiled at F'gol as he entered her weyr. She rubbed her hands on the sides of her pants, more out of nervousness than anything else. She had spent the last half hour or so moving things around just for something to do. The stick she had been whittling the day prior had been reduced to a shaven nothing and so she had resorted to reorganizing, cleaning, and puttering around the weyr. Fortunately, F'gol's arrival had given her a reason to stop. Next came the awkward part.

F'gol grinned as he saw her, remembering the night they'd had after they went for their walk. "Hey." She was still beautiful, and still flushed, he noted as he grinned more. She'd looked like that after he'd kissed her on the beach, and for that matter, the entire evening they'd spent walking and chatting and kissing. They'd planned on going all the way that night, but they'd walked farther than they'd thought and it was late by the time they'd returned. They decided that a good night's sleep would be welcome and they'd finish what they'd slowly started when they weren't so tired. "Well rested?"

"Yeah, I think so." Meledei clasped her hands together, then let them go, as if they weren't quite certain what to do with one another. There they were, back to the awkward stage. Things were more relaxed last night, but now she felt as if they had tensed again. Maybe it was just her.

F'gol took in her agitated state and frowned slightly. "Meledei, are you still nervous? You don't have to be you know, we can go as slow as you want." He'd rather just get it done, he'd be able to relax once he did. He knew though that Meledei handled problems differently than he did, and he didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

"I guess I'm just...well, you know, it's not anything I've done before and I know you're not going to rush things." The colour of her flush deepened. It wasn't just that. What if he didn't like it? What if she was bad? She had no experience, Meledei wasn't sure how to please a guy.

He looked at her a moment, briefly wondering how he got so lucky as to be the one who got to be with her. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "You know... you're what I always hoped I'd find. Growing up in the Hall, I knew I could marry anyone I wanted, and I envisioned it as such. A young, beautiful girl, someone who wanted me around, who didn't get tired of me and try to pass me off. Someone who hadn't passed their favors out to just anyone, but someone who thought me special enough to give them to. It probably sounds silly, but I think that's why I never wanted to be with any of the Weyr girls before, I wasn't special to them. You... make me feel special, Meledei."

The compliment made Meledei's eyes widen. For a moment she stood there, as if trying to decide what to do. When she did, she didn't say a word, simply crossed over to him and kissed him soundly upon the lips. Her arms encircled around his neck and she pulled him close to her. When she pulled away, she looked right into his eyes and stated forcefully, "Don't you get it, F'gol, you _are_ special."

With her looking at him like that, with such sincerity and love, he had a brief flash of a life he wanted. He could see himself in harper blue, journeyman knots on his shoulder, walking with her arm in arm down a hold proper. He could see himself bringing her flowers and small presents when he'd call on her at restdays. He could see himself properly asking her father for permission to pursue marriage; after all, a journeyman harper was a good catch for a crafter's daughter. He could even envision a proper marriage ceremony between the two with Meledei's long brown hair arranged in spiraling curls that fell down a fitting yellow dress made just for the day.

As he saw it all, as he looked into her eyes, he felt his own eyes start to fill with unexpected tears. F'gol took a step back, gripping Meledei's arms to keep her in place as he pulled away from her. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind of the images that brought unimagined pain. "Meledei, maybe this is a bad idea."

"W...what do you mean?" What had she done? Meledei felt a stab of regret. She shouldn't have said anything. She should have...well what should she have done? Meledei didn't know. "Did I do something wrong?"

F'gol let go of her and took another step back, he needed the space, the air, to clear his head. He turned away and quickly wiped the tears that had threatened to escape from his eyes. "No, I mean, no." He couldn't seem to formulate a coherent thought. "I just don't think I can be objective about all this. Maybe it would be better..."

"I don't...I don't understand." Meledei wanted to follow him, but her feet stayed riveted to the floor. "What do you mean?"

He turned back to her as he heard the pain in her voice. He'd caused that, and he hadn't wanted to. He briefly reached out to her but quickly pulled his hand back to his chest. "I..." he looked down and focused on her hands, unable to focus his thoughts when he looked at her face. "I want what can never be..." His voice was a whisper as he saw the dream of her hands filled with flowers again. "I need to go, I can't stay."

"But...but why? I don't understand." Meledei sank into her chair, confusion and hurt playing over her face. Why was he backing out? Had she done something? "Shaffit, F'gol, _talk_ to me!"

F'gol shook his head, his whole body was vibrating with anger, fear, confusion. "Don't you get it. I just can't. It's not a job, it's not a performance. It's my whole life, and I just can't do it... not with _you_."

"But...but why?" It still didn't make any sense. "What are you talking about? What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing Meledei." he cried, his eyes pleading with her to understand, he didn't want her upset or blaming herself, but he just couldn't look at her any more. "It's me, you're perfect, I just can't do this." He needed out, he needed away. With a silent wish he turned from her again and ran out her door. He headed towards the bowl where he would find Tealth waiting, ready to take him high into the sky where he could think, where he could finally let the tears fall.

"But..." But he was gone. Just like that he had run out of her weyr. The second day had been a failure. How had they gone from such a positive note to such a negative note. Meledei crumpled further into her chair and began to cry. He didn't want her.

Last updated on the September 30th 2009

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Not a Performance