Not Your Fault

Writers: AL, Cali
Date Posted: 11th October 2009

Characters: F'gol, Meledei
Description: F'gol tries to make Meledei feel better but things don't go any better.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 5, day 5 of Turn 5

They hadn't spoken in a couple of days. They had barely looked at one another. Well, Meledei had looked, but always when F'gol wasn't looking. She was quiet, not her usual self and her friends noticed - especially Sorsha. She tried to smile, tried to be upbeat, but every time she thought about what had transpired, she couldn't. Elleth crooned softly at her often and Meledei had finally had to tell her to stop. She appreciated her gold's willingness to try and cheer her up, but the crooning was getting on her nerves and probably on others'.

So that was where they were, two strangers who had nothing to do with one another. Meledei's heart burned and felt as if it were being rent asunder. She had hoped that maybe they could be more than mere friends - and those hopes had been shattered.

"You blame yourself." F'gol said quietly as he came up behind her. He kept his voice neutral, cold, objective. "Don't."

Meledei glanced back and then shifted from foot to foot. "Why?" She still felt like she had done something wrong, something to push him away, but she didn't know what.

"Because it's not your fault." Elleth had told Tealth that Meledei thought there was something wrong with her, that he didn't like her. It was one thing for him to feel miserable, it was unacceptable for her to be pulled into it as well.

"I don't see how." Meledei seemed to deflate where she stood and she was unable to look at him. "One minute you say you want me, the next you don't. It had to be something I did."

F'gol sighed, he'd left things so badly, so misunderstood before. He didn't know if he could clear things up any, but he supposed he did owe it to her. "I _do_ want you. But I can't have you the way I want, the way it should be. I need to be responsible about this and keep focused. It was supposed to be about Tealth, about getting ready for flights, but with you it's not about that."

"Then what's it about?" Meledei dared to look up at his admission. Didn't he realize it wasn't just about Elleth with her too? She supposed he didn't. Meledei had never told him anything, so why should he know? Boys were oblivious to such things, she'd been told that by other women plenty of times.

He couldn't tell her about the life he'd envisioned, it wouldn't do any good, and it would only make him look the fool. Instead, he made himself take a deep breath and focused on being neutral again. "It's about being objective. About being able to have sex and then get on with life. That's what we need to learn to do. I think it was naive of us to believe that we could accomplish that when we've already got a strong friendship."

Meledei's face twisted. "But I...I don't want that." She knew what she wanted, but was it what _he_ wanted? Meledei wished she could read his mind, wished she could know.

"It's not what I want either." F'gol all but growled, "But we don't have a choice. We're _dragonriders_ now. Whatever life we could have had is gone now, it's not an option."

"Meaning what?" Meledei inched a bit closer. "Are you saying that you don't think we could be more? That we're stuck just being friends?"

F'gol shook his head in the unspoken answer to her question. Why did she have to look at him like that, why did she have to be so beautiful. He asked a different question instead, "Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? You're weyrborn, you should know. We can't have proper lives, we're not allowed that."

"Where in the world did you get _that_ notion?" Meledei fairly snorted, her fists jabbing into her hips. "You think that just because we're dragonriders we can't have a deep, meaningful and even monogamous relationship?"

"That's not what I'm talking about, but no, you can't." F'gol wished she could understand. He'd only meant to make her feel better, but now it seemed he was going to have to open himself up to her again, and that was always dangerous. "I don't want to have sex with you. I don't want to be a dragonrider. I want to be a simple harper that virtuously courts his bride to be!"

"Dragonflights don't count." Meledei stated emphatically. "And my mother and father had a wonderful relationship. He courted her you know, and while dragonriders don't officially get married, that's what they viewed weyrmating as." The girl paused as she realized what F'gol had just said. "You...would court me? To maybe marry me?"

"No." he said immediately, feeling exposed and cornered all of a sudden. He gave a defensive shrug, "Well... maybe. If we weren't dragonriders, it'd be a good match to make; two crafters and all. And we're friends, so we would have even been happy, probably."

"Why can't we be happy as dragonriders?" F'gol wasn't making any sense to her at all. If anything, he was breaking Meledei's heart further. "We _can_ be happy if you'd just give it a chance."

F'gol was about to reply, but he saw a head peek around the corridor and then hide again. He closed his mouth and frowned. He didn't like to be spied upon, especially when he was making himself so vulnerable. "We have an audience."

Sorsha popped back into view, her cheeks reddened in embarrassment. "I didn't mean to interrupt." She tried to explain. "But, Meledei, you didn't make it to the infirmary for assignment. They ah, want us to help change dragon bandages..."

Meledei started to say something, but instead she shut her mouth, turned, and without another word headed to the infirmary. F'gol couldn't see them, but Sorsha could, the tears that escaped to trickle down her cheeks as she passed her friend.

Last updated on the October 12th 2009

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Not Your Fault