Pulling Away

Writers: Ames, Heather
Date Posted: 18th February 2014

Characters: F'aen, D'naz
Description: F'aen returns home from the infirmary but does not get the reception he expected.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 5, day 5 of Turn 7

It was his first day back in his weyr since the accident. His
shoulders and thighs were still bandaged, protecting the threadscored
spots that had crusted over. **Gross.** F'aen thought with a curl of
his nose as he moved gingerly through his weyr. D'naz had to take care
of some things with the Weyrlings and F'aen had assured him, a hundred
times it seemed, that he would be fine going back to his weyr alone.

D'naz was a complex man, F'aen decided as he carefully lowered himself
down onto the lounge. While the bluerider had made it evident that he
did not want to weyrmate, and had at first made it seem as though he
wanted their relationship to be casual, he then later had recanted
that with a request that they be exclusive. F'aen still smiled when he
remembered how jealous D'naz had behaved that day by the Weyrlake when
F'aen had been doing some innocent flirting with another dragonrider.
Yet D'naz still had refrained from the topic of weyrmating.

F'aen had always been a rather casual lover anyway. All of his past
dalliances had lasted little more than a month, and sometimes there
had been multiple partners. Being exclusive was new and different. He
really hadn't thought that he would like being tied down to just one
person but he found that he enjoyed the possessive nature of being
exclusive with D'naz. **Perhaps I am weyrmate material after all.** He
thought with a snort.

}:Keluth's is on his way.:{ Scarleth broke in.

D'naz had hated that he couldn't be there with F'aen to bring him
home, but he had _had_ to complete certain tasks with the weyrlings
before he could turn over the rest of their training to the younger
staff for the day.

Keluth landed with a thump on the weyrledge. D'naz quickly slid off
his back and made his way into F'aen's weyr.

"F'aen?" He called as he hurried inside. "Are you okay? Do you need
any help?" He asked as he entered and saw his lover, bandages still
encasing much of his body. D'naz had to pause again and remind himself
to breath. F'aen had lived. He would recover. There was no need for
him to feel that dark, deep-seated panic that seemed to almost spring
forth at the site of the bandages. Maybe he'd grown too attached. What
if something happened like before? What if he lost F'aen? Could he
live with that experience again? D'naz almost felt dizzy himself at
the thought. He _was_ attached to the young greenrider and he knew he
couldn't part ways with him over his fears. _That_ alone would destroy
what love and hope he seemed to have found again with this
relationship.

Moving to his side, he looked into F'aen's eyes. "You really should
have waited for me."

F'aen smiled, shaking his head at D'naz, "All I did was walk here. I
promise I haven't overexerted myself.. yet." The greenrider reached
up, albeit stiffly, and traced the lines on either side of the
bluerider's eyes, "I'm here, and I'm not falling apart, I promise."

D'naz sat down beside him, taking F'aen's hand in his. "I'm sorry if
I'm being a bit overprotective. I just don't want anything to happen
to you." The words were said with a bit of a strangled sound as D'naz
felt that same emotion welling up inside of him once again. He could
have lost F'aen. He hadn't. His heart was torn in two. He wanted to
pull the greenrider into his arms and never let him go, and another
part of him wanted to back away before his heart got torn to pieces.
It was a battle that had raged inside of him for so long, brought out
much more so by F'aen's injury.

"I know." F'aen leaned forward and rested his forehead against
D'naz's, "You are very special to me, D'naz, I wouldn't do anything to
jeopardize that." He could tell that D'naz was struggling with his
injury, "Is this because of N'ril?"

The mention of his former weyrmate seemed to send D'naz into a dark
moment. He pulled away abruptly from F'aen.

"This is _not_ about N'ril, it's about you and me. I _can't_ go
through this all again. It was too hard for me the first time." He
knew he probably wasn't making much sense but his mind seemed clouded
by the mention of N'ril.

"I am a dragonrider what do you expect of me, D'naz? Death is always
going to be riding beside us as long as thread falls." F'aen frowned,
confused by the unexpected behavior.

D'naz reacted to the word death far stronger than he expected. "I
can't live with having death hanging over me, you, or us at every move
and moment. I can't." He felt a strange sense of panic grip him at the
very thought. "I knew it was better not to get involved, not to tie my
heart into things that could be so easily torn from me."

F'aen cocked an eyebrow, "You breaking up with me?"

The question caught him off guard. _Was_ that what he wanted?

"I don't know, F'aen. This is _not_ easy for me. I think I just need
some space to sort this all out. Maybe we could just take a break for
now." D'naz felt his heart sinking even as he said the words, but he
knew he was so torn that he couldn't seem to reason with himself any
longer. "I mean, I'll still help you with what you need while you
heal, but..." he sighed and looked down into his own lap. Why did _he_
feel like he was the one hurting at the moment when it should have
been him focusing on the man before him.

F'aen had never expected steady, faithful D'naz, the Weyrlingmaster's
Assistant, to break up with him over the aspect of Threadfall. For a
moment he was simply stunned. For a greenrider who had never
considered weyrmating or settling down, he realized that he would have
for D'naz, "Don't worry about it, I won't inconvenience you further."

D'naz's mouth moved open and closed a few times as he contemplated
what to say. "I think it might just be best if I go now." He frowned.
His heart was heavy, yet he knew he needed this space. He wasn't sure
he was really ready to give his heart away to someone again. Even as
he stood to go, he turned and looked back at F'aen. He wondered if it
was already too late...his heart felt sad and heavy as he left. He
just needed time and all would be well. Right?

Last updated on the February 25th 2014

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Pulling Away