Taking Some Steps

Writers: Avery, Chelle
Date Posted: 30th June 2014

Characters: E'rae, Zasek
Description: Zasek talks to E'rae about what's been going on.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 7, day 2 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: D'hol, Bahji, K'lvin

E'rae had waited a day after seeing D'hol before going down to the
Infirmary. He figured they were expecting him anyway
so the bluerider walked slowly inside and let a journeyman that was
receiving know he was there. He didn't want to announce
to everyone he was seeing a mindhealer-that he was cracked. His wingmates
wouldn't want to fly with him if they knew that.

The journeyman pointed him towards a room in the back. A rangy-thin man with
light blond hair and a missing front tooth greeted
him. "Bluerider E'rae? I'm Zasek. Have a seat."

Taking the advice, he sat down and watched the man carefully. He didn't
volunteer any information and he also didn't talk.
Instead, his dark brown eyes tracked the things in the room, the exit, and
the man again.

Zasek studied the man in front of him. He'd seen the man's medical record,
but he preferred to make his own judgment of his patients. E'rae seemed
somewhat nervous, looking around like that, and he wondered how to put him
at ease. "So what made you choose Dolphin Cove?"

"I asked my Weyrleader for a transfer and we both agreed that the climate
and surroundings here would be most like what I used to at River Bluff.
So this is where I came." It was simple enough really.

"That does seem to be a large draw to here. Did you bring anyone with you,
or did you move alone? My sister came with me when I moved here," he added.

"My sister stayed but my daughter is here," he replied, glad that hadn't
gone as bad as he'd hoped. The fostermother was fine enough
and Werenn didn't seem to miss her friends too overly much.

"How is she settling in? It must be nice to have her here with you."

"I suppose she's doing allright. She only has one more turn with a
fosterparent before she can choose what she wants to do."
It wouldn't be long then. She was the only child of his that would.

"Sounds like you're a dutiful, family-oriented man." Zasek steepled his
hands together and eyed the man. "So what's been bothering you?"

He sighed. D'hol had ordered him to deal with this so he could fly. He had
to fly. That was his duty. So he might as well give it a shot even though he
was sure the man couldn't help him. His life was a mess. "When I was at
River Bluff, I got a girl pregnant. She lost the baby after she was tripped
and fell down some stairs. She became pregnant again too soon after. She
lost the twins too. So...I was grieving for the other one-our son. She left
me for a Wingleader who didn't even give a shell about her. When she was
hurt, he didn't take care of her, I did. I went to find her to see about the
second pregnancy and he wasn't even there. But she told me to go away. I
came here to forget about her and the first child. Then all of this happened
with the twins. I can't....stop thinking about it and I'm grounded until I
can get myself right." That was a lot and he immediately clammed up thinking
he'd said enough-probably the most he'd ever said at one sitting in
his life. He didn't envy the man-he'd probably never seen anyone with a life
like that before.

He nodded along as the bluerider spoke. It was a difficult story to hear for
a man who loved his own children and had been very happy watching their
mother carry them. His anger at the wingleader was concerning, but his
feelings for the lost children were more immediately painful. "So you feel
as though you failed in your duty to them?"

"I didn't protect her or them. I wasn't good enough for her. Never was.
Didn't matter that I cared about her or the children. And she... She's
blind." That made it all the more important that he didn't protect her. "I
couldn't give her children except dead ones."

"Not all of that is on you," Zasek said gently. "What happens inside a
woman's body - there's only so much we can do to affect that. You can say
you could have been there for her going down the stairs, but would you have
devoted yourself to caring for her every moment? You have a dragon to
cherish, a wing to fly in."

He had duties, that was true and he would always have them. "I can't
complete my duties because if I failed her, why would I not fail my
wingmates?" It was a simple question and something that he kept asking. "I
failed my son."

"Have you failed in flying Fall or at drills yet?" Zasek asked. "You and
your dragon have training for your drills that you can count on, yes? Thread
is something you can fight, unlike what happens inside a body. Even Healers
can't fix everything."

"Yes. I've been Scored once." And almost died. That was certainly a failure.

"You're afraid that your distraction will cause it again?"

"It well could, yes." That he was infinitely sure of.

"You need to rebuild your confidence," he said after a moment. "Focus on
what
you can do and change - not what you can't. That doesn't mean ignore it, or
suppress it, or pretend it didn't happen," he added. "But it means you learn
how to live with it. I'll help you work through it."

He had a dubious expression on his face, but he had to do this so he would
give it a try. If the man could do his job and fix him so he could get to
flying, then so much the better.

"After your score, what did you use to do to focus your mind in drills?"
Maybe being reminded of past successes would help.

"Honestly...after being laid up for so much time to heal, it was a matter of
wanting to work. I wanted to fly again, to do it better." He neglected to
mention that the Threadscore was more Leith's fault than his own.

Good information for Zasek to know. "Perhaps try focusing on that want to
do it better. Your concentrating and your flying is something that you and
your dragon are in control of."

"To be honest, right now I feel like such a failure at life that I don't
even want
to fly. I know I'll mess it up. I know I'll be a danger to myself and
others." His mouth
was set in a grim line and it was clear this was going to take more than one
day.

"So we'll work on that." Zasek made a mental note to speak to a dragonrider
about any type of solo drills. "In the meantime, how does the day after
tomorrow
sound for the next appointment?"

He was stuck doing this until he was cleared for duty so he nodded mutely.
Nothing
else to do.

Last updated on the July 1st 2014

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Taking Some Steps