A Shell on the Beach (1): Be At Peace

Writers: Eimi
Date Posted: 5th February 2006

Characters: Renner
Description: Renner slits his veins in a moment of despair
Location: Dolphin Hall
Date: month 10, day 4 of Turn 3
Notes: The night after "Don't Ask"

His eyes flew open, but he couldn't see. He couldn't move. He couldn't breathe. All he could do was hear - painful screams, keening dragons, dolphin's crying... Renner was tangled in the trapping chords of dreams, and even consciousness could not grant him his release. His mind was full of nightmarish sounds that pained and corrupted his soul.

He whispered names of loved ones lost into the chill night air, but no one was there to hear him. Renner was alone - all alone except for the shadows from the past that surrounded him. Through exhausting force of will he commanding his body to sit up. Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, he reached for light and comfort. Even the soft glow attacked his eyes painfully, and though it chased away the shadows, the sounds still remained. He could not escape the sounds! His heart sank and he held his head in his hands as he wept; wept for his friend, wept for his lover, and wept for himself.

Renner sat on the edge of his bed and sobbed, feeling the physical pain of grief anew. How long would he dream these dreams? How long would those faces haunt him in the night? When would the sounds ever leave his memory? It was the sounds... those were the worst. Faces could smile, but the sounds... They could only cry out in fear and pain. How long could this go on? When would the past release him? How long until his soul could find peace again? He cried until there was no more moisture left in his aching body. Felling numb and spent, Renner mustered what strength he had left and walked slowly to his closet to find a fresh shirt. There would be no more sleep for him this night. Pulling off his night shirt, he used it to wipe his face before he dropped it carelessly to the closet floor. His eyes followed the bunched-up cloth as it fell through the stale air until it came to settle next to a long ignored relic from the past - his knife belt. He was wearing it that day, that day when Finn died. Squatting down he reached for the familiar leather. Dusty, but still soft and pliable as the day it was discarded there.

Clutching the belt too him he took up his perch on the bed. Gently he pulled the knife from its sheath. He fingered the blade. Amazingly, it was still sharp. That was the knife he had cut the ropes with, frantically trying to free the tangled dolphin. He swallowed hard as he could see clearly once again the thrashing grey body in the murky water, the rigging ropes of the ship surrounding him in an ever tightening knot. Though Finn had struggled to free himself, he only managed to ensnare himself worse. As much as Renner struggled to cut them away, his frightened friend only blocked his own freedom, fighting his dolphineer as much as the binding ropes. And the screams of fear! Oh shards, those screams that invaded his sleep and his waking hours. Renner closed his eyes as the sounds echoed through his head.

He was lost in the memories until he felt a sharp pain on his thumb. Unknowingly he had sliced it open on the blade. He brought the wound to his lips, tasting blood and tears on his tongue. Pulling his finger away he watched as the blood once again spilled to the surface. Blood. The life force within us all. He watched as it slowly trickled down on his palm, following the contours of his hand. This was his life. The thought brought a sarcastic sneer to his face. Life? What life? "You call _this_ living?" he whispered.

**What are you doing, Renner? What are you trying to hold on to? You haven't been alive since Finn died. You breath, you eat, you defecate, you sleep and you dream. Why? Why, when it would be so easy do you hold onto this... existence? Why do you make yourself live every day in pain with no end? What good are you anymore? Who would miss you if you were gone? You are not alive Renner. You are a shell washed up on the beach, a hollow shadow of what used to live inside.**

Renner squeezed his thumb, forcing more blood out, and watched in fascination as it dripped off his hand. **What are you so afraid of? A little pain? See! It doesn't hurt! And just a few moments of pain and then no pain... ever again. You can join your friends in the shadows rather than chase them like a fool. Its time to go, Renner. You have suffered through enough long and lonely nights. What are you holding on to? Zanie? She doesn't need you any more. She will be fine. Its time to think of what _you_ need. And what you need is _peace_.**

Peace. Now that was a word that had lost all meaning to him. It was a legendary creature, like Flits once were believed to be. Peace... What would being at peace feel like? There was only one way to know. **What are you waiting for Renner. You were never a coward before. Just get it over with. Get it over with and be at peace...**

He did not so much as flinch as the blade sank into the soft flesh inside his elbow. All those years of first aid, he knew where the veins would be. He bit his lip as he pulled the knife along his arm to the wrist. Renner had not even realized that he had been holding his breath as it all rushed out his body in one powerful gust. Before he could think about it too deeply he repeated the process on his other arm.

So much blood... **_My_ blood...** Renner dropped the knife to the floor. His mind snapped to crystal clear clarity as he stared at the red rivelets running out of his body. Oh shards. What had he done? It would be over. His life would be over. _He_ would be over. Was _this_
how it was all to end? Everything he worked for? The career he built up over turns? Was this _it_? He had never been afraid to die. That was what he had been known for. But since when had Renner been afraid to live? "I don't want to die," he whispered. "Not like this. Not like this."

Somewhere from deep down inside him, Renner found a spark of life, a hint of strength. "I don't want to die... I.don't.want.to.die!!!" He picked up the knife belt, the start of it all, and wrapped it around his right upper arm as a tournicate. Flinging open the closet he found another for the left. **Help! I need help!**

One face flashed in his mind. Zanie. He needed Zanie. She would help him! He flung open his door and ran into the darkened corridor. **I don't want to die. Not like this. Not right now.** His legs carried him as he ran, not caring about the trail of red drips he left behind him or the pounding of his heart that only pushed his blood through his veins ever faster. Finding the women's wing he ran to her door. Salvation was behind that door! "Zanie!" he screamed as he pounded the door. "Zanie please! Open up!" He hit, he kicked he pushed at the door, but there was no sound from within. "Zanie! Help me! Help me! _Please_!" Renner stopped, unbelieving and stood staring at the door. "Zanie?" he whispered, for all strength left him with the realization that help would not come. "Zanie? Don't let me die alone!" He turned and slid down the door as his legs gave way beneath him. "Zanie, I'm sorry," he whispered in a voice choked with a threatening sob. "Zanie, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean what I said today. I didn't mean it. Please, don't leave me alone. I don't want to die." Closing his eyes he forced one last scream. "_I.don't.want.to.die_!!!"

Last updated on the February 5th 2006

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A Shell on the Beach (1): Be At Peace