A Shell on the Beach (4): I'm Not Whole

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 9th February 2006

Characters: Renner, Nara
Description: A mindhealer is sent to speak with Renner after his attempted suicide
Location: Dolphin Hall
Date: month 10, day 4 of Turn 3

Whatever was in the drink they gave him the night before had worn off, and now Renner's arms ached and itched. He wanted to be swallowed into the comfortable bed, swallowed up and never spit out again so he didn't have to face the residents of the Hall. Renner knew he had created quite a stir, and more than a little trouble. His face burned with shame and self loathing as he curled up on his side into a ball, wishing he could just fall back alseep and find that _this_ was really all just a bad dream.

"Renner?" A woman's low, warm, soothing voice called gently from behind him.

He turned his head towardss the voice almost reluctantly. "Yes?"

"My name is Nara." She was a woman in her mid-fifties, as the wrinkles and smile lines in her weathered face could attest to. Her eyes were clear and honest, and her smile was gentle and kind. Her movements were as slow and as smooth as her words as she sat down in the chair beside his bed. "I'm here to talk to you about what happened."

"You're a mindhealer?" Well, he should have known it would only be a matter of time until they were called up. He sighed and closed his eyes tight. This meant he would have to actually _talk_ about what happened.
Shards, but he didn't want to remember. He just wanted it all to go away. But when he opened his eyes again she was still sitting there, looking at him patiently, expectantly. "All right."

She waited a moment before asking him gently, "Why did you do it, Renner?" Her eyes trailed briefly over his bandaged arms before looking back up to his face again.

"I... I don't know," he said with a slow shake of his head. "I just wanted to make the nightmares stop. I just wanted to make the screaming stop. It all just happened to fast! I didn't want to die. I didn't, I swear!"

Nara soothingly murmured his name as she leaned forward. "You lost a lot of blood, Renner. Nearly too much. Had the journeywomen not have found you when they did..."

"I know. I know," he pulled his arms across his eyes, wishing that it would all go away.

If the mindhealer felt any pity, it was masked by soothing calm. "Did you ever want to do this to yourself before?

"Sometimes," Renner nodded. "Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if it were all over. But I remember how I used to be. I don't want him to die. But I am afraid he is already gone. I'm too lost to be myself again."

"You are not lost, Renner. Misguided, misled, but not lost."

Renner shook his head. "But I'm not _whole_."

"Who says you can't be whole again?"

"I don't know how," he groaned, his anger rising. How was he supposed to put the broken pieces of his life together when so many were missing, broken, misshapen? "I don't know how!"

"Given time, you could learn how," she told him gently. "There are people out there who can help you, Renner."

"Who?"

"Other mindhealers. At our Hall. If you'd let them, Renner, they could help you in the ways that neither I, nor anyone else here in the Dolphin Hall, can."

Renner looked at her, the shadows in his eyes growing deeper. "I have to leave the Hall?"

"I think it would be the best thing for you right now," Nara told him softly. "The others at the Hall can help you through your troubles. They can help make the nightmares stop. They can help you feel better -
feel _whole_ - again."

"For how long?" he whispered.

"That depends on you, Renner."

"And can I come back?" The thought of being denied re-entry into the Hall sent a chill down his spine. He might not have lived a perfect life here, but it was the only life he knew. And the thought of leaving the few friends he had made... but no, he had successfully scared them off the night before, he was sure. Who would want to be associated with him now...

"In time, you probably could." She gave him a gentle smile of encouragement.

Renner turned his head away from her. He didn't want to go. He didn't _want_ to go, but perhaps it was for the best. After the stir he had caused... maybe it was best for everyone if he just went away for a while. And if they could make the nightmares go away, if they could put all his broken pieces back together, maybe he could be like he used to be. Maybe he could be of _use_ to someone. And if they couldn't...
Well, then his friends would forget him and he couldn't hurt them there.
Hesitantly, reluctantly, he closed his eyes and nodded his acceptance before turning his body away from her. He'd wait till she left to cry...

Last updated on the February 9th 2006

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A Shell on the Beach (4): I'm Not Whole