Moving Forward

Writers: Suzee, Curious
Date Posted: 19th April 2024
Series: The Disaster at Dragonsfall

Characters: Naradis, Cyradis
Description: Cyradis and Naradis talk about recent events and what to do going forward.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 10, day 1 of Turn 10
Notes: Mentioned: R'lor

Cyradis

Naradis requested for her mother to speak to her.

That was all. She didn’t say why, didn’t give any clue as to what was
going through her head. And as she sat on the weyrledge, staring off
into the middle-distance, her face was as blank as a sheet of paper.

Cyradis knew she should not be putting herself or her baby in danger
by allowing her daughter to set her off. But while she was cautious
she also loved Naradis. So she retrieved a box from the dining hall to
take to her for her evening meal along with Naradis’ favorite drink.

“Naradis,” she said as she slid down Panitath’s bulk. The gold was
almost too large to be stable on the ledge and took off immediately.
“You wanted to talk?”

“Yeah,” Naradis softly said, not looking at her mother. “I... Haven’t
been doing good. For a while. But it’s been getting worse, and I
thought that m-maybe I should tell you about it.” She paused, glancing
at her mother briefly before abruptly looking away again. “It’s a lot.
I understand if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“But I do,” she said, placing the dinner items on the small table.
She want to sit on the bed and kicked her shoes off before putting her
feet up. “Sorry,” she added. “I’m supposed to be on bed rest. But
enough about me. How can I help you?”

“I...” Naradis’ voice cut off almost immediately. It was getting hard
to breathe. She was only talking to her mother, but somehow, that made
it worse. She drew in a deep, shaking breath before forcing herself to
start again.

“I don’t like boys. I- I like girls.” She was able to look at Cyradis
when she said that much, but the second the words were out of her
mouth, she had to look away. “I’ve been scared that I can’t impress
because no one can name any gold or greenriders who like girls. A-and
after that, recently, I started thinking about...” Her hands clenched
into fists. The words were there, but fighting her every step of the
way as she tried to force them out. “Other things.”

Cyradis slowly closed her eyes and opened them again. “Oh Naradis,”
she shook her head. “I’ve know that since you were six turns old and
told me you were going to weyrmate a girl!” She smiled and held out
her arms. “My love there are a lot of riders both male and female who
like their same sex though there are more that like the opposite.” She
scrunched up her nose into a funny face. “I prefer people with dicks
in my bed.”

“if you like I can show you in the archives where this is going on all
the time. We just don’t tell holders because of the plague and their
needs to procreate. However, you do know that when you Impress, your
flights will most likely be won by men. Given your history I wouldn’t
count on Kadira. So you need to decide if you can live with that.”

Naradis didn’t hesitate. She ran into her mother’s arms and hugged her
tight, squeezing her eyes shut to fight back the tears that threatened
to come up yet again. “Please,” she whispered. “I-I can deal with
flights. It’s worth it for a dragon. I-I just can’t handle not even
having a _chance_ because of something I can’t control. I thought--
With Kadira getting a blue, I thought that maybe--” She pulled back
from her mother and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t think I
had a shot at green or gold, so I wanted to see if I had a chance on
blue.”

“Well, I’d never have thought of it because there were none in my
records but it appears to be possible. I think you have what it takes
for either green or blue.” She pressed her lips together. “I wish
you’d come to me about this before you went to Dragonsfall sweetheart.
You really did help cause a big stink.”

“I didn’t want you thinking that I can’t impress, too,” Naradis
murmured. “I can’t... I don’t know what the _point_ of me is if I
can’t ride a dragon.” She paused, briefly glanced at her mother, and
then looked away again. “R’lor’s worried about that, I think. I still
want to keep standing. It means _everything_ to me. But... He said
that he wants me to make a list of crafts I would be interested in, so
I have something else to focus on.”

“I never thought you couldn’t Impress darling,” Cyradis said softly.
“But there are far more people in the Weyr that _don’t_ ride dragons
than do.” She stopped a moment brushing her hand over Naradis’ hair.
“R’lor is right about crafting though. Do you remember N’vanik’s
former ‘second R’enh? He’s a smith and makes beautiful jewelry. Others
that I know do leatherworking and make their own straps and jackets
and that kind of thing. I make liquors and that is Vintner craft. But
that is just expressing your interests, not instead of being a rider.
I bet he just wants you to think about it to help you not feel so
intense about Standing.”

“I just...” Naradis struggled with her words, swallowing heavily
before finding it within herself to continue. “I don’t want people to
think I’m giving up, or to... I don’t know, take it less seriously.
When I think of a future where I’m not a rider, it doesn’t feel like
it’s worth _having_ a future. I don’t know how not to feel intense
about that.”

“I don’t understand why you’re stressing over what other people think.
You can’t control that and nothing you do or say will change their
minds. Especially when you don’t know what they think, you’re just
guessing and worrying about the worst possible scenario. You want to
Stand right? I get that and it’s important.” She half smiled inside.
She had once been a sixteen turn old girl on the Sands with
insecurities of her own. “No one really cares one way or another about
your sexuality at the Weyr. You just do your job the best that you
can. You know the saying. The dragon decides, the rider complies.

How to say this without raining on her self worth. “Sweetheart, you
are not the center of the world. Only your friends and family really
care what you think. The others don’t think about you at all. Unless
you do something spectacular like go a pick a fight with a new
bluerider. Then they care. and not in a good way.”

Naradis went quiet. She didn’t look like she was about to collapse in
on herself, which was something. After everything that had happened
lately, one could even say that it was quite a lot. After some
contemplation, she quietly said, “I know that, logically. But it
doesn’t feel that way in my head. And I... I _want_ people to care.
Not because I want the attention-” - even though she sort of did -
“-but because I want to do something worthwhile with my life. I don’t
want to just _be here_.”

She paused, sighed, and leaned against her mother. “What crafts do you
think I’d be good at?” she quietly asked.

Cyradis stroked her hair softly. “You know what I remember?” The smile
in her voice was undeniable. “A little girl that skipped and danced
and never walked anywhere she could run. She loved painting with water
colors and had the loveliest singing voice. You know you could carry a
tune and even sing harmony when you were only four turns old?” She
kissed the top of her head. “What does that sound like to you?”

“It would be fun to be a harper,” Naradis murmured, musing. “But
harpers need... I don’t know what to call it. Dazzle? _Shine_. Pull of
personality and all that shaffit.” Naradis peered up at her mother,
brows furrowed in thought. “Do I have enough of that to make it?” She
raised her thumb to her lips and worried at the nail. “I was
considering dragonhealing too, bt... you can’t be more than a senior
apprentice at that without a dragon, right? And...” That left her
back at square one: no point in existing without a dragon.

“You’re thinking of the performing kind, actors and musicians. What
about artists, they don’t dazzle, only their work does. Or archivists
who sit in rooms full of records doing research. But you, my darling,
can do whatever you set your mind to. Including riding a dragon. You
just need to start thinking with your head instead of your feels.”
Cyradis hugged her daughter. “I’m sorry you won’t be able to Stand at
the next hatching, but if you can make it through that successfully, I
promise you can Stand at the next one. So instead of dwelling on the
‘what happens if I don’t Impress,' Just make your feels positive and
loving and one of them will choose you.”

“Alright,” Naradis said, a little soft, a little subdued, but not
broken or furious. “I’ll try. And I’ll... I’ll try to think positive,
too.” After all, she still had several turns left to stand. Maybe
there was time for something to change? “Thank you, mom.”

“You can always talk to me sweetheart,” she said. “And I’ll tell
R’lor you’re ready to come back down and work with him. Is that okay?
Are you ready?”

Naradis gave a tiny nod. “Yeah,” she softly said. “I think I’m ready."

“I’m proud of you,” Cyradis said softly “i think you can too.”

Last updated on the April 24th 2024

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